Your sister’s an idiot. I have a three year old daughter, and I would skip her dance recital for a family member’s wedding. Have you seen dance recitals for three year olds? The kids mostly stand around, cry, pick their noses and yank at their costumes. Your niece won’t give a flying fart who’s there. I’m guessing this actually has nothing to do with the recital and everything to do with the relationship between your mother and your sister.
You sister is, shall we say, a bit batshit?
Wedding, for realz. There will be other dance recitals, grandmom is going to the five-year-old’s recital in the morning ALREADY, and weddings are fantastically important adult rites of passage for the people involved (in the best case scenario).
I can only guess that there is some long-established history behind your sister’s reaction.
Yeah that’s the first thing I thought when I read “3 year olds dance recital.” Have you ever seen the Puppy Bowl on Super Bowl Sunday? That’s what I picture when someone tells me there will be 3-year-olds giving a recital. “Here’s a bunch of tiny kids dressed similarly on a stage. Watch them mingle for 20 minutes.”
I also feel awkward about putting importance on 8th grade graduation, but that’s a different thread 
I have little to say that hasn’t already been said, but I’ll add my voice to the chorus saying that your sister is acting like a crazy person. It’s nice when grandparents can go to suff like dance recitals, I guess, but it’s certainly not a requirement. Your own kids may be the center of your own life, but they are not the center of everybody else’s life! So many parents fail to realize this.
That said, it’s probably not in your own best interest to take sides. At your son’s birthday party, you need to smile pleasantly and be excruciatingly polite to both Mom and Sis. It sounds like this isn’t the first time you’ve dealt wth situations like this. Sorry to hear it and good luck.
Best answer, if the sister will actually think about it.
I would probably pick the wedding over my own kid’s dance recital, given that the kid is 3 years old. She would just be one three year old who didn’t participate in the recital that year. There is no way I would expect my parents to miss a family wedding for it.
This. I love my 3 year old but weddings trump dance recitals. I agree that the 3 year old should skip the recital as well and attend the wedding.
Why not suggest bringing the girls to the reception after the recital? Surely the recital will be over by 7:30 or so? The bride and groom could make major points for themselves by having the girls’ music on hand and letting them do a little dance for the crowd.
I’m sure everyone would love it, and it wouldn’t take more then ten minutes from their evening.
I can see how Grandma attending one recital and not the other would be difficult to explain to a 3-year-old, and the little girl is probably heartbroken (which can make Mothers a little crazy). The smart thing would have been for Grandma to not attend either this year. But SIL really needs to model adult behavior for those poor girls, rather than joining in (and escalating?) their age-appropriate hysterics.
Everyone involved needs to get out of judgment and blame-oriented thinking and into a solution-oriented mindset. How do we minimize the hurt for this little girl and maximise the celebration for the bride and groom?
Is your sister a narcissist in general?
Whose dance recital is this, the 3-year old’s or her mother’s? :dubious:
I’m with SanVito. A wedding trumps everything but a funeral.
I voted for dance recital because not everyone has the available cash and supplies on hand for a destination wedding on the top of Mount Kilimanjaro. Besides, the three year old, with Arnold-Chiari Malformation, and chronic Klippel-Trenaunay-Weber Syndrome may not make it to her fourth year recital.
That was the situation, right?
Yes. Wait, no. K2, not Kilimanjaro. Easy mistake.
As to whether my sister is generally a narcissist, you know, I feel like I’m too close to her to really be objective. Our mom definitely has strong tendencies in that direction, and yes, there is a lot of history between my mom and my sister, much of it not really deserved on either side.
And regarding the supposedly heartbroken 3-year-old: Yeah, no. She’s 3. Unless someone specifically tells her “Grandma was supposed to be here but she’s not” she’s likely not even going to notice. Gestures like a bouquet of flowers etc. might be nice for my sister but again are going to be totally lost on the 3-year-old who is, again, 3.
The only reason a 3-year-old is going to care about whether Grandma comes to her recital is if her mother has poisoned her with, “Grandma thinks that Cousin Joe is more important than you are” crap.
Being a parent of small children is sort of insane-making, I will admit. I was not very rational when my first was that age, and now that she is older, I am not so obsessive about the second going through similar milestones. Sadly, right now, if you asked her if it was OK to skip her daughter’s wedding so that you could go to your own hypothetical 3-year-old grandchild’s recital, she would probably say that that was the right choice. I’m guessing she won’t make the same decision when her daughter is getting married, though.
I’m hoping the Nephew will remember to take up ballet and schedule a dance recital for himself on the daughter’s wedding day, just to make things fair.
Seriously? This would be my cue to head for the bar.
Wedding, no question. As others have said, I’d go to a wedding, especially of a close family member, over my own kid’s recital.
As to whether the little girl is upset about Grandma not coming to her recital: in this case, it sounds like the kid doesn’t care. However, some kids do take these things very seriously, even if they won’t remember it later. There are sympathetic ways to help a child learn to handle disappointment. Acknowledge the girl’s feelings, have Grandma gently explain why she can’t go, or have her or send flowers or watch the video with her granddaughter afterward, for example.
I think everyone is missing a very important consideration here.
Which event is likely to have the better food and booze?
I chose dance recital but that’s in large part because I mostly don’t care for weddings. I’d rather host or toast the couple some other way.
Don’t forget to tip the bartender at the open bar at the 3 year old’s dance recital.
Presumably the audience is made up of close friends and family members - people who actually care about these children.