I liked #3 after a few rereadings, but #1 grabbed me right away.
I think I may not be in your target audience, as none of them interested me much, but I would say that I would be more inclined to read the next sentence after #1 than the others. The others sounded like they would be some kind of thelma & louise/rotten green tomatoes…er, fried, whatever/steele maggot…er, magnolias type stories. Not something I would ever read. #1 at least was funny-ish.
No offense of course if the other two would be those type stories – I just don’t like stuff like that. Opinions and assholes, ya know.
I’m really, really torn. The first one grabbed me right away, but it also struck me that what comes after it has the potential to be extremely corny.
The third grabs me in a completely different way. Not with the same speed, but with a very “This American Life” sort of introduction. “Welcome to my dysfunctional family; come on in.”
The more I think about it, the more inclined I am to vote for #3.
If getting-to-the-point fans were any less my target audience, one or the other of us would be filing restraining orders. 
That’s the title of the book, actually.
There’s a (very rough early) version of the one that begins with Option 1 here (followed here and concluded here).
It’s interesting: I thought 2 would be the most popular, but the three groups I’ve asked for opinions have resoundingly found it their least favorite. (The words are from a senile babysitter who liked taking me to funerals.)
Definitely not #1. It’s funny, but if it was the first line of a book, I’d already be thinking “Are pop culture references all he’s got?” The others are much more original, and of the two, I’d say #3 is more compelling.
…You know, I thought you meant ‘opening line’ as a pick-up line, and then read the OP in a very strange light…
I’m with everyone who says #1, but #2’s intriguing, too.
What can I say, I’m a damn Yankee.
I think #1 is a better opener, if not a better sentence than #3.
And better goddamn well let us know when this book comes out. Wang-Ka bailed on his, and you better not do the same!
The first one is concise but has impact. It implies a shorter story than is typical for you, but I like it and want to read the story.
The second one is the story I most want to read, but I’m already familiar with your “voice” and still had to read it twice before I caught the significance of the last sentence. (So please, please include the story. I just don’t think it is the best opener.)
The third one is harder for me to judge. I already know the people in this story and understand what’s going on, so it caught my attention right away. But, I can’t predict what someone who’s unfamiliar with your work might think about it. It might come across as so callous that the first time reader is instantly offended. While I know you have the skills to turn that opinion around, some people will just refuse to continue. (Of course some people are going to find something to be offended about no matter what you write, so I hope you don’t let that have any major consideration in your decisions.)
I think the first one probably has the most potential for catching a reader’s attention. I have every confidence that that is all you’ll need to make another fan.
So just pick one and publish already! 
ETA Autumn Almanac makes a good point (the pop culture thing, if I got the name wrong). I hadn’t thought about that. Hmm.
#3. And I do believe I am your target audience. I think it would set the tone well for stories about your life.
I guess im really swimming against the tide to say two.
One is funny but but a little too silly for your voice.
Three is more of a story.
Two is a sort of surreal introduction to the author (I’m assuming that’s you). Your birth and the reaction to such makes a good beginning (“Call me Pip. Or Sampiro. Whatever.”) “Let’s get a a picture of him with the body”? You can’t buy lines like that.
I think it makes a very good induduction to your voice.
But that’s just me.
I like this gem from a few years back:
I liked #2, actually.
I prefer the third.
Of the other two, the first strikes me as being a little commonplace, which is misleading in terms of the contents of the book overall. The second, meanwhile, makes a good story opening after we’ve been introduced to the figures in the book, but is somewhat jarring as an introduction.
I like #1 or a shorter #3.
I would vote for a shorter version of #3.
I would consider the first to be my least favorite of the three. #2 is so weird it makes me curious about what the story is about. The first one really isn’t all that weird in comparison. 
I was thinking along similar lines, but also that it sets up a science fiction theme which isn’t really representative of Sampiro’s writing style. I’d read the book expecting a lot of Star Wars references and the like.
#1 is kinda trite by itself, but might just roll along well with what comes after.
#2 is a great quote, but confusing to start. I had to read it twice to let it get my attention. Perhaps a more solid opening sentence to lead into the quote.
#3 I love it. Makes me want to pull up a chair and hear the rest of the tale. I’m a fully rooted transplant to the Loquacious South, and this sentence just strikes true to me. Starting with a direct quote in your Dad’s voice would make it stronger, to my mind.
For a collection of your wonderful writing, Sampiro, #3 definitely is the winner. It sets the tone of what’s to come. Plus, it’s like the car is all packed up and ready to roll, like your amazing book will be.
At least somebody else here likes #2. I was afraid I’d be the only one. betenoir has fairly well described my reaction to it.
#1 seems kind of lightweight. I wouldn’t put it as the first line of a book, unless the whole thing has that tone.
#3 felt a little too familiar in a certain way. While the details are unique, it somehow has the same feel as a lot of writers. Asimovian’s comparison to TAL seems apt (but I don’t necessarily feel that to be a great thing - it doesn’t really differentiate you). Also, as someone unfamiliar with the story, I find it more unsettling than intriguing. #2 is unique and way more interesting to me.