I like #1 and #3 but not so much #2.
Now, for the sort of stuff I’ve seen you write, I think #3 would be most appropriate. #1 is sort of Pratchett/Adams-y and appropriate to that kind of work, whereas #3 evokes the storytelling Southern Gothic you are so good at.
The only one that made me laugh out loud was 2. But each is admirable in its own way.
Amen! #1
1 sounds like a book of humorous stories. It’s good and snappy, although it reminds me of Erma Bombeck for some reason.
2 sounds like “CSI Mobile.” Not that that’s bad.
3 sounds like the excerpt to a book taken seriously in the review section of the Sunday paper. If I were a reader of fiction, I’d probably go for #3.
I’d go with #3, not least of the reasons being that it places the reader so completely into the situation - with characters beginning to be defined. It also seems, to me, to be more representative of your writing style than the other major contender, #1.
I like 1 & 3.
For #1 I’d suggest you try to find a way to cut out at least a couple of the little words. Like my last sentence, so many little words muffle the message. The idea is strong & catchy - punch it up & it’ll really sing.
e.g. In space, no one can hear you scream; tain’t so in Kroger’s produce.
#3 is perfect as-is.
#2 just has me baffled. If “body” at the end is supposed to mean a dead body, it needs a little more introduction.
I followed the idea of Mom dressing up the boy as a pretty-boy, ie. growing her own son up to be gay. So when the word “body” came along I was stuck interpretting it like [gay hardbody] or maybe [girl personality in boy’s pre-pubescent body] or maybe even [git a picture before his body grows distinctive sex-related traits, ie while he still has the little girl body.]
Eventually I decided you meant “dead body” but by then all the drama was gone & it was just an awkward & jarring construction.
Heck, even adding “before the coroner gets here” at the end would help a bit. My idea’s too wordy & artificial-sounding for dialog, but at least it sets the situation unambiguously.
I like #3. I was thinking, “Man, that sounds like a Sampiro post; I wonder what book it’s from, and whether it’s available.” Then I went back and saw who the OP was. 
#1 sounds like Dave Barry. Still good, but a different book.
I’d go with #3.
#3
The first sounds like the title of an Erma Bombeck book, whom I adored as a humorist, nut her books won’t be the humor your going for.
I like the third the best. The first one is overly cute, I think, and the second one not as grabby.
I like #2 as well. It has a distinctive voice that you think you’ve pegged and then it takes a sharp left. It has the jarring juxtaposition as in #1 (which is my second favorite), but takes you more by surprise, because it took a little longer to get there and seemed to be going someplace else entirely. I was getting all comfortable and then, whoa. #3 is my least favorite. The woman is already tiresome and I don’t want to know any more about her (as a character in that paragraph, mind you, not as a real mom. From reading your other stuff, I know for a fact I enjoy the stories about her and all the rest.).
Drop the apostrophe, and ditto ;). I’d also drop the “North Carolina” from the first sentence, since it can be explained later, and it’d further concisify that first sentence, concentrating its impact.
Daniel
1 is a good punchy start and would draw me in.
2 would need more context up front. I almost didn’t get the punchline due to focusing on your cute lil curls.
3 was good.
Especially with this being the case, I wouldn’t pick the opening line at all. You said these each go with a different story, so decide which of the three stories is the best for opening the book. A good opening line is important, of course, but I’m going to read more than the first paragraph before dediding to continue with a book. But in a book of annecdotes, I might decide to put it down after the first one, if it hadn’t grabbed me by then.
I agree with Chronos, we need stories 2 and 3 to make up our minds properly.
By itself, I’d go with 3, it does match your style of stories best.
Major thanks for all opinions. (Not telling the story is intentional- I wanted to see which would grab people most without knowing what’s coming.)
A tangentially related favor please: I’m scanning old photos and uploading them onto the web and burning them onto disks for preservation. The below is a photo album that contains most of the people mentioned in my tales, but I can’t tell if the link works as I’m automatically admitted to the site and it’s in my cache history. Could somebody please click this link and let me know if the pics come up and what the name of the album is given as?
I go for #1. It’s shorter and lets the reader visualize their own “grocery aisle”. Stories that get overly descriptive leave no room for the imagination.
Yupper.
“Weoka…[something] and Billingsley.”
My vote, too. The first sentence of #3 is a great attention grabber.
It works then- thanks. (Weokahatchee- from the Creek Indian words meaning “the hatchee of Weoka”.)
#3 is best.