Hero and Leander have known one another for six months, been dating for five, and dating exclusively for four, and fucking for three. The sex is great and they get along fine, but Hero is nonetheless ready to end it. Not only is Leander far more into Hero than the reverse, but Leander’s also interested in marriage and kids, both of which give Hero the ick. They don’t work together or share living quarters, and the city in which they live is large enough so that they’re not likely to accidentally see one another once Hero calls it quits.
In your opinion, which of the poll options is an acceptable, ethical method for Hero to use in breaking things off?
Hero has to (wo)man up and tell Leander in person, in private. Breaking up in public seems like it would be safer but it never works and is tacky as well. Anything involving social media should result in Hero being tarred, feathered, and ridden out of town on a rail. (I’m a traditionalist. Sue me.)
Changing email address, phone number or physical address should only be done after the third harrassing contact by the dumpee.
Hmm, not sure how to answer the poll. There are some that are clearly unethical, some that are clearly ethical… but then there are some that could be either, depending on extenuating circumstances.
For ex, breaking up via voicemail? Only after multiple voicemails already left saying “Hey, I need to talk to you” with no response from Leander.
Breaking up in person in public? Only if 1> it would be reasonable to believe that Leander would react in such a way to prevent Hero from easily leaving a private venue, or would refuse to leave himself if it were in her place, and 2> it can be done as privately as possible in public, such that they have an out-of-the-way corner of the coffeeshop all to themselves with no one near enough to eavesdrop.
Basically, if the method is designed solely to prevent HERO from feeling bad/awkward, Hero just needs to wo/man up and be an adult about it. It should be done as “in-person” as possible, so face-to-face is preferable to the phone, phone is preferable to voicemail. Email should be an absolute last resort only if the universe conspires to utterly prevent them from seeing each other or speaking on the phone – there needs to be a balance between doing it in person and not dragging it out, too. Anything that’s an overt public spectacle is right out, so no yelling it at him on the street, and no social media revelations.
Oh, and Hero should absolutely NOT have sex and then dump Leander right after. What a dick move.
Face-to-face in person in private is fine. On the phone is okay if that’s the kind of thing Leander is okay with (I would really prefer to be broken up with that way and I can’t be the only one, but some other people would be really bothered by it). In public is only okay if you think the person might get violent or something. Otherwise that’s fucking mean.
Okay to offer sex one more time under some circumstances. Not if Leander is crying hysterically. Fine if Leander is like “yeah, you’re right, we should break up”. And definitely don’t do it RIGHT after having sex one last time. But if Hero decides to break up with Leander pretty soon but not that day or anything, then I can’t fault Hero for that.
I think I have a double standard that I need to deal with. For some reason, if Hero delivers the news over the phone, or even by email, then that’s OK, she’s an empowered girl and doesn’t bother with sentimentality. However, if the roles were switched and Leander was the one doing the breaking up, he would be an insensitive asshole. I would want him to do it in person.
Similarly, if Hero offers sex one last time, that just seems like a nice thing to do, but if Leander was breaking up with Hero and pulled that, it would make him seem like a dick.
I’m not supposed to have double standards. I need to go work on this. :dubious:
I realize that you realize this attitude is problematic, so please don’t take my asking for a follow-up as a criticism. But can you explain why feel as you do–particularly since Hero’s reasons for breaking up is that Leander is too serious for her taste?
With a breakup like this, I would hope it’s not a surprise. By five months in, you should be aware of such basic incompatiblities and moderating your implied commitment level to reflect that.
Ideally, sure, but humans being the messy things that they are, it’s very common for the less-invested party to not actually tell the more-invested party about how they feel, because, well, they’re not that invested and they don’t care, and also why have an awkward conversation over someone you’re not that into? It might put a damper on the sex. They’ll just ride along passively so they can get their boinking until they get bored, then quit; so no, very often it IS a big surprise.
If you are old enough to be in a semi-committed sexual relationship, you are old enough to break up face to face in private. The only exception is if you are breaking up because you just discovered s/he tried to kill or injure the last person who broke it off.
Should always be done in person in private, unless the person has some sort of violent tendency or mental issue, or if the relationship is long distance. I can’t imagine even getting that deep into a relationship with someone in the first place if they don’t have this basic respect for me and communication skills.
Anything that offers the possibility for interaction and exchange is acceptable. Public is acceptable as long as you’re not making a scene. Social networks are not appropriate, as it amounts to making a scene. Text messaging is, I think, unacceptable, but I might just be out of touch. Instant message is okay, provided you’re in an active conversation (and not leaving it to their away message). Phone is fine. In person is the best, but sometimes that’s just not feasible. Offering sex is okay if and only if you know the person well enough to know they won’t freak out about it. Changing your number/email or blocking right at the outset is a dick move. Changing/blocking after asking for no further contact is not.
You forgot the option of “making a series of increasingly disgusting sexual demands until Leander enters the witness protection program” and/or telling her her ass is too fat.
It could well be a surprise. People have an amazing capacity for self-delusion and Hero might well have not been as forthcoming as he could have been. But you’re correct in that it shouldn’t be a surprise.
At this stage in the game it should really be done in person unless their are weird extenuating circumstances. The one time I broke up with a woman over the phone after we had been intimate and together for a few months it was a long distance thing. I thought that a seven hour train ride just to get dumped was a bit much.