First I’d just like to say I love my boyfriend and I’m not planning to dump him. This is actually some research for something I am working on. No, REALLY.
So what’s the best way to break up with someone? Are there specific things you should say or do? Or NOT do? Are they good times and bad times to do it? Is the place you do it important?
Thanks in advance to anyone that responds.
“Please pass the potatoes. Now get out of my life.”
There’s a book on this subject:
How to Dump a Guy: A Coward’s Manual.
According to it, The best way/time/place to dump a guy is in person, in a public place that holds no special meaning for either of you, and between the hours of 6pm and 7pm on a Friday. (This assumes he works a typical 9-5 schedule. The idea is to not lock up the Dumpeeweekend.) Speak firmly but in generalities (an itemized list of his faults is quite unecessary).
Lets say you wait until Friday and invite him out to a new restaurant. First, he’s going to think it’s a special occasion because of the restaurant. Second, you have to go out with him until Friday, thus leading him on. At least allow him some time to make other plans for the weekend. If you do it this way…you better pick up the tab…or at least be prepared to. Personally I think the best way/time to break up with someone is to let them know the moment you know…dont go out with them for one moment longer after you decide its over. Forget the “rules” You don’t want to waste their time or your own. And be firm, letting him down easy is not easy for him, it’s just easier for you.
Right after you have sex with them.
madline I think you’re overthinking here.
A)most people go out on a friday night, it’s not that unusual.
B)You don’t have to go to a place you’ve never been to (and it need not be a restaurant) but merely any public location that is not special to the both of you. By “special” I mean you went there on a first date, exchanged a meaningful kiss, etc. You should NEVER dump a person in any location where they are dependent on you to get home. That is so wrong I shall speak of it no more.
C)Many times a week’s notice is needed to retrieve one’s personal effetcs. The Dumpee often considers such items trophies (I know I do – heck I still have my high school BF’s favorite Leonard Cohen tape… wonder if he’ll ask for it back at our 10 year reunion next week?) nor should a Dumper expect them to make any special effort to return them.
That the Dumper should pick up the tab goes without saying, I hope.
“I think we should see other people. Specifically, this is Cindy. Although her professional cheerleading schedule keeps her pretty busy, she’s looking for someone to have sex with who doesn’t mind if she occasionally brings friends along. I think you should see her.”
“Pleased to meet you Cindy. Here’s the key to my apartment, a toothbrush, and a dog collar. Would you mind showing me one of your routines?”
I think DreadChthulu has a point there. Unless your soon-to-be-ex physically repulses you or you suspect that they’re riddled with STDs, a last fling in bed isn’t a bad way to end a relationship. At least (hopefully) they’ll have one more good memory of you.
Option #1:
Attend a party with the SO, making sure that he/she gets drunk. Pay someone else to seduce the SO, and arrange to “walk in” and discover the infidelity in progress. Break up guilt free.
Option #2:
Have the SO killed.
Option #3:
If all else fails, terminate the relationship in a respectful manner.
Best for who?
First get a new lover. Then get rid of the old one by calling & saying you have a new lover.
Well, I can only suggest that the best/nicest way is not by e-mail
“Candygram . . .”
I would prefer not to be dumped on a Friday (actually, I don’t want to be dumped on any day–but if I have to pick one, Friday would be my least favorite). Finding out on Friday that you won’t have a date for the rest of the weekend would suck. Plus, many of my girl friends may have already made weekend plans and wouldn’t be available for the neccessary cry/eat ice cream/drink wine/bitch&moan-fest. Monday is too early in the week–if I’m really emotionally distraught, I don’t want to go through a whole week of work before I get my cry/eat ice cream/drink wine/bitch&moan-fest. So maybe a Wednesday or Thursday would be better.
I do agree about a neutral place–a nice restaurant (but not too nice so you think it’s something special).
And please tell me nice big fat lies about how it’s nothing I did and nothing is wrong with me. Even if I repulse you, tell me it’s just not there, you wish it were, but it isn’t. Maybe, after I’ve gotten over the shock, you can tell me the truth if I really want to know. But not right away.
Do make sure you are clear that it’s over. Don’t try to soften it by saying “I need some time/I need to think/I need some space” crap. Don’t say anything that can lead me to believe you’ll change your mind later. (Actually, I pretty much get it when I hear those things–but for your own sanity and to ensure you don’t get pestered by an ex, you should make it clear it’s over.)
Please don’t tell me you’re sorry you hurt me (it’s so patronizing) or that you hope I won’t be mad at you (of course I’ll be mad at you for a while–deal with it).
This is my wishlist. This from the woman who was once dumped in front of her parents! I don’t recommend that!
Just get on the bus, Gus.
Oh, this isn’t Cafe Society? My bad!
Um, post messages on a bunch of boards they frequent asking for advice about how to dump somebody? Maybe they’ll get the hint …
I like the direct approach, doesn’t matter where or when, just say something like, “I’m sorry, but I just don’t feel the same way about you anymore, and I’ve decided that it’s time to stop seeing each other.”
But if you’re one of those ‘pull the band-aid off slowly’ people, then you’ll have more success with one of these tried and true methods:
Stop returning their phone calls/emails. Change the locks on your door and don’t answer when your SO knocks. Tell your friends not to say anything.
Get pregnant by someone else.
Share a venereal disease.
“It’s not me, it’s you.”
“I don’t want you to think I’m breaking up with you; I just want to see other people, and I’m tired of seeing you right now. Can I have all of my stuff back now?”
“Remember how we spent that romantic evening talking for hours about possible names for a child we might have together someday? Turns out that was a complete waste of time.”
“Don’t call me–I’ll call you” (then don’t.)
Arrange to meet your SO somewhere for a date, saying, lightheartedly, “And be on time! You can bet I’ll be there, unless I’ve decided to break up with you” (smiling). Then don’t go.
Yeah, preferably more than once. Invite the guy over to spend the night, do it as many times as you can, then dump him in the morning (after doing it again).
That friday afternoon at a public place thing is a total load if you ask me. Don’t delay it any longer than you absolutely have to.
Ooh, I got dumped via email once!
It sucked.
Five words-
“Welcome to Dumpsville. Population? You.”
Sorry.
Whatever it is keep it short and to the point. Then walk away. Or hang up. Or hit send. Whatever.
When you dump someone, you have to be firm, you have to be kind, you have to not apologize, and the check is on you.
Just don’t do the “I’ll just stop calling, he/she will probably figure it out”. Always be honest.