Getting Dumped - How would you prefer it be done?

In My Humble Opinion
1

So I got dumped last Friday. On short notice she’d asked to come over in the early evening for dinner, at the end of a work week when I hadn’t time to clean house and there was nothing in the refrigerator to speak of, so I scrambled to address those issues. Then when she arrived I did the introductions between her and my daughter since this was the first time they’d met (much less of a stressor - the kid was gold as always), then after dinner I got the ax.

Upon reflection, she obviously wanted to be decent enough to do it in person, and I acknowledge that it isn’t a pleasant experience for any of the parties involved. But all things considered, I was tired from work, given 45 minutes notice of the visit, and was under duress to prepare for it, which made it all the more difficult to deal with it’s actual purpose.

Please join me in reflecting on the drawbacks and virtues of the various methods of ending a relationship:

By letter I served overseas long before e-mail, so I’m familiar with the “Dear John” letter. But e-mails are essentially the same. I think a well-written one can be great. You can read it over and over, and work it out of your system gradually with each reading. Yep, when getting the gate from someone with a real flair for the literary, this is the best. Retaining the letter as a bittersweet keepsake is optional, but I recommend it.

In person Best done in a public place, so propriety keeps anyone from making a scene. As in firing employees and executing criminals, don’t draw it out: get in, get it done, get out. If you do other activities to lead up to it, hoping soften the blow, you’ll just make the activiite(s) part of the overall psychological taffy the other person is left pulling. This is especially true if the lead-in is sex (YMMV).

Third party this is for junior high kids, or in extreme cases where the person getting dumped is perceived as a threat to the other person. And if it isn’t the case, it still leaves ther person geting dumped with that stigma.

2

I got a real heartbreaker over the phone after many, many unreturned phone calls. Damn it…I was going to force him to say it if it was the last thing I’d ever do. I still get sad when I think about it, and it was well over 20 years ago. There’s no good way to do it…only *less bad * ways.

3

Oh, I agree. The worst way is the gradual or sudden cut-off of contact with no explanation.

4

I like to get dumped via letter. It means that I don’t have to put on a brave face and act like everything is okay.

5

I agree. I think if you’ve been in a relationship with someone – as opposed to just two or three dates – then you sort of owe it to them to break it off in person.

But I think the person who would invite themself to your house, eat your food, meet your daughter for the first (and last) time, and then break up with you has been quite remarkably inconsiderate.

But break-ups suck. :frowning: Hope you’re holding up okay.

6

So she invited herself to your house, made you cook dinner, and then dumped you. WTF?

It all depends on the length and seriousness of the relationship, but in person is almost always the best option. Be firm but gentle, direct but kind. Don’t leave any confusion about what’s happening, but don’t leave the dumpee feeling like it was all a giant waste of time either. Just show some respect for what you had together. It’s amazing how many people are unable to do that. Cowardice I guess.

7

Thanks Jodi but please, this isn’t a (another?) “poor Slithy” thread. I really think we as a society need to establish heirarchies of acceptable behavior. I totally spaced on the telephone method mentioned by Kahoun and am glad it was added to my list.

And that “ignore them and they’ll go away” method? People who are so inconsiderate in relationships as to do this are probably equally obtuse, and, while I won’t say they deserve bunny-boilers, I will say they’re probably too stupid to avoid involvment with them.

8

I had to dump my first ex by phone, out of fear of physical retaliation. His mother then muttered around town about how disrespectful I was for not having the guts to do it in person. Me, I still breathe without the aid of a tube, so I think I did just fine, there.

My ex-fiance broke up with me over stupid MSN messenger. I didn’t quite believe it, insisted he actually call me, or let me call him (since it was long distance, phone would have been the best way in that case) and he refused, claiming that by hearing me, he wouldn’t be able to leave me. Hmm. What I got was this: “Anastasia, I can’t marry you.” Followed by me asking many questions, asking if he would prefer to hold off, to maybe try dating a bit more, maybe taking a break, asking if he meant this was it, the end, we were over…? With no answers. He then moved in with another woman, which I had to hear about from his ex-best friend - my now-husband.

I would have preferred phone or even a well thought out email to that.

9

Whaaaat? It seems really weird that she asked for dinner if she knew that she would be dumping you. If I were her, I’d have said something like, “Can I come over? We need to talk.” to give you an idea of what was coming, and I definitely wouldn’t have lingered around for dinner. :rolleyes:

Anyway, for myself, I think I prefer getting dumped by letter/email, for the reasons already mentioned (it gives you time to accept it and compose yourself before you have to face the person). I definitely agree that it is despicable and cowardly to just start ignoring someone you had a relationship with. I would never do that to someone.

10

You’re such a hoot!

How would I prefer to get dumped? I think I’d rather it be in writing. I simply do not like awkward social moments, I’m not good at them. I tend to withdraw and go catatonic and, well, I guess that’s a little disconcerting to some folks anyway.

11

Could have been worse:

Boyfriend Ceremoniously Dumped

12

No particular preference over the method of delivery, but I think truthfully and straightforwardly is the way - none of this pussyfooting around trying to soften the blow and/or save face. Just say you’re doing it, say why and be done. Leave no false hopes, no need for the dumped party to go through all that handwringing and wondering if it was this or that.

13

How about the come home from work and find her and all of her stuff gone, no note or letter and her mother and sister have no idea where she went. I would take the OP’s method anyday.

14

Barring fear of physical violence, face to face is the way to go in my opinion. It’s about respect.

As for the worst way, I vote for an email, sent to your office,* cc’d to his new girlfriend*. And yes, that actually happened to me. Do I win? :dubious:

15

I know a guy who dumped his long-term girlfriend by SMS after he found out she’d been cheating on him.

“u r dumpd bye”

16

I agree with those who said that at least the “We need to talk” warning would have been better there. The “let’s have a date - now I’m dumping you at the end” method is annoying. But of course, it’s better than the “ignore them and they’ll go away” method.

I had the latter method pulled on me after dating the guy for years, so after attempting to meet up to no avail, I sent a letter. I figured he didn’t deserve a phone call.

17

I dunno. In person can be pretty painful. Depending. But the oly time I got seriously dumped, it was in person, in his apartment. I would have prefered in public, so I didn’t have to slump out of there. (I also would have prefered we wern’t talking about all the the things we were going to do together the day before. But I digress.)

I think a letter or even an e-mail would be better, assuming it was thoughtful, so you can absorb the shock in your own way. Then, unless it was a really bad realtionship, a phone call to see how they are. I believe in being friends with your ex.

18

Everything worth knowing about breaking up I learned from Old Yeller. You were just going along and you met this dog and everything was just fine, two peas in a pod. But that ole yella dog got bit and started foaming at the mouth. Now you love that dog, he was a good dog, but you have to be a man. You got to take care of business. A man doesn’t sit there dragging it out, doesn’t shoot Old Yeller in the paw, then put one through his ear just for kicks, and so on. A real man, tears streaming down his face, puts that yella dog in a reinforced wooden enclosure and puts him down with one shot. Mercy isn’t just for the weak.

That’s how I prefer it be done to me, and how I try to do it myself. No whining about how I-love-you-but-etc. stuff, do your cartharsis on your own time. Do a quick and no-nonsense kill so I can go up to doggie heaven.

19

And you don’t go over to Old Yeller’s house and make him cook you dinner before you shoot him in the head, either.

20

How about a Post-it note? I hear girls like that one.