I can remember one time I wanted to break it off with this one girl but I was absolutely dreading it. She was such a nice girl and felt incredible guilty about it.
Let me tell you something: I can’t tell you HOW happy I was when I went to work one day and read my Email only to find out that she broke up with me first!!
That said, if I do find myself in that position; I’d say phone is the best way to go for me. That’s if I’m being dumped or I’m being the one doing the dump’n.
Face to face (barring threat of violence as above) and without dragging it out.
I have, quite seriously, been dumped by every man I dated by them not calling me back. I then spend the following month calling them, sometimes chatting on the phone at first, only to be ignored completely until I realize that it’s over. It’s humiliating to be in that position, because everyone seems to know it is over except you.
The only one who hasn’t dumped me like that was the guy I dumped, and I learned not to do it in private because he clung to me and begged me to not say it’s over. At least semi-public means allowing both of us to keep some dignity.
That happened to me once, except that she broke up with me in her apartment after we woke up together. I was planning on breaking up with her that night by phone. We both pretty much knew it during the entire preceding weekend.
I’ve been feeling mopey because the woman I’m fascinated by turned down my offer of a date with the “Let’s just be friends” thing, followed by several invitation to do friends things.
You just put it all in perspective. Yes, you win.
On an answering machine or voicemail is not a good method either, as done in a funny/sad episode of How I Met Your Mother.
Oh good lord yes. My last break-up was a bloodbath I’m still reeling from. If I’d had this, things would’ve gone -so- much better.
I got dumped by the ex’s new girlfriend (actually it had been going on for over 9 months). He had been transferred to a new locale. After we move in, I take 2 weeks to go home, visit family, help his mother paint the house, clean out the pool, and retile a bathroom. I call him at home to arrange a pickup at the airport, and she answers. “oh yeah, he was meaning to tell you we were together. We’re in loooove. Sorry 'bout that.” His mother went immediately to visit him and came back with “divorce his stupid ass.”
I actually preferred it over the phone. Quick and saving the drama for after you hang up.
Jeez, no wonder you’re angry.
The worst I ever heard of was a girl I knew who got a “X has canceled your relationship” message on a Facebook-type blog community from her then-boyfriend. What a douchebag.
I think I prefer a face-to-face, straightforward break-up. Or perhaps a letter (I have a weird aversion to emails, although basically they’re the same thing, I suppose). Not over the phone. I’m not much of a phone person. Something about talking to a disembodied voice bothers me.
In person for anything past high school relationships. By relationship I mean more then a few dates, and more then just having sex. If you have an expected date on a weekend, then you are in a relationship.
If you are in a relationship then you should be adult enough to tell it the other person’s face. This can be done in public, your place, their place, wherever but it should be done face to face. I was dumped after a 2.5 year relationship over the phone. I still am a little annoyed by her callousness.
I think I would like a straightforward email, so that I can deal with it on my own. I’ve done the in-person thing, it sucked. I cried and I didn’t want to, etc.
Worst way: Don’t clean up well enough after your new girlfriend comes over. When your old girlfriend notices little things and tells you she feels like something’s wrong tell her she is paranoid and that you love her. When she finally cannot ignore the signs and demands to know what is going on, tell her on Valentine’s Day that you’ve been sleeping with someone else. Later, tell her that the reason it happened is because she could not attain orgasm during coitus with you.
Oh no, I’m not bitter at all, why do you ask?
I just read that out to WriterChick and she was as incredulous as I am. She wants to know: did he really mean to BCC her (“look, I did what I said I’d do”) or was he just being an utter, utter bastard?
When dumping another person I prefer to just let them figure it out.
When being dumped by another person, I prefer it to come in the form of a suicide note accompanied by whatever item they held most valuable, which I’ll then give to a homeless person.
Last time I got dumped, I got home after being away on business a couple days just in time to see her come out the door to put the last of her stuff in her car. She said “You’ve never been anything but good to me,” got in her car and drove away. Never saw her again. Despite a certain lack of closure, it was refreshingly free of drama, so I guess I’d go with it again.
As someone who just got dumped by someone I loved very deeply, I can tell you that the ‘face to face’ method is the only way to do it. She was classy enough to do it that way and even though it hurts still (a lot), I am very appreciative of that.
Of course, I went on an epic few weeks of boozing, whoring and otherwise despicable behaviour. Knocked down several very good looking women. One of whom wanted a relationship whereas I just wanted sex and more sex. I actually learned something from my ex because instead of doing the fade away (which is a miserable thing to do), I sat her down and told her that my heart was broken and I was just in a mysognistic phase of boozing and whoring. She was disgusted which I think made her feel a lot better about not being with me.
Life’s funny that way.
I don’t know whether he intened to blind copy her or not. I do suspect that he wishes he had, since he wound up with neither of us. Either way, he was being an utter bastard, which frankly I find less contemptible than that he was also being a coward.
And that’s the thing, isn’t it? If you’re breaking up with someone, be a grownup about it, have a little respect for both yourself and the other person, and do it the *right * way. Anything less is just cowardly.
My most traumatic dumping was probably the sweet one. A crying ex told me he loved me very much as a friend but he didn’t want to be half of a couple because he was hearing “the call of the wild” and didn’t know that he could remain faithful, and he knew that infidelity would end our relationship and that he didn’t want to lose me as a friend because “I always want to know you”. In other words, let’s break up but still be friends, which you know what that means…
However, unfortunately perhaps, he meant it. We went to a movie the next night- a rather awful choice for a movie for two gay guys who just broke up: WILDE (the story of Oscar and his disastrous relationship with Lord “Butt nekkid Jude Law” Bosey). We saw each other every single day. For years. He’s still my closest friend. I love him dearly and he’s lived at my house twice now while between disastrous life-choices. It’s finally gotten to the point where we’re just friends and there’s no sexual tension (though there is jealousy when we’re dating others) but for the first couple of years it was extremely awkward.
My first major break-up was the opposite. It had the first “argument about nothing” that evolved into a nasty loud scene-making breakup, then had the reconciliation and the ALWAYS INADVISABLE Hundred-Days period that led to the even more disastrous Waterloo/Postcards from St. Helena period, a couple of ice cold chance encounters, return of gifts in somewhat lesser condition than when given things, the whole “Heaven hath no rage like love to hatred turned” phase where all these things that you knew you knew about them all along but suppressed just come bubbling up and you wonder how in the hell you ever felt anything but utter revulsion for them, then the really dark moments when you’re alone and you remember the things that didn’t repulse you and that’s even worse than the bitterness and hatred.
But in a way that one was the easier breakup. The friendly break-up was like seeing a loved one drift away in a narcotic induced anesthetized haze over a 2-3 year period and occasionally entering remission just enough to keep your hopes and other things up. There were the ‘Are we a couple or aren’t we?’ moments, the ‘We don’t have sex anymore… except some occasional SEXUAL HELPER [i.e. sex minus the meat]- but then neither of us will move onto other people- except for when we do and the other goes nuts… so we really shouldn’t see each other… but I really do love him as a friend… hmmm’ times. Ultimately it worked itself out but I’ll never go through that again with a person- if we break up we break up and leave each other’s orbits.
The fiery break-up was far more intense emotionally but way shorter lived and more cleansing. Rather than the up and down long illness it was more of “the passionate relationship we once had was just pulled by khaki clad stormtroopers from the back of a modern car driving down a road where chickens and goats rambled between windowless ancient stone houses and while terrified people with bad teeth and very colorful impoverished folk clothing shielded the eyes of their naked children said passionate affair was forced to its knees, shot three times point blank in the head and neck, kicked square in the face, and finally shoved nose down into a mud puddle as said khaki clad stormtroopers drove off, running over its legs on the way back to their citadel”. True, it lived for a while, but there was never any doubt whatever that it would be back to normal or even out of bed again, so there was a lot more finality and closure, and best of all an excuse to use 3rd world political assassination imagery.
Bravo! BRAVO!
Face to face, preferably sitting down at a table or on a couch, as quickly, quietly, and seriously as possible.
Ideally there should be lots of alcohol, ice cream, and/or sappy movies on hand afterwards.
I have to disagree with the OP on most counts.
By Letter. I was handed my hat this way and it totallly sucks. Yes, “flair for the literary” is nice and all, but most people don’t have this skill, so what you’re left with is a few scribbled pages that leave more questions than answers. So for her, there’s “closure” since she got it out of her system and has moved on. But for you? No opportunity for rebuttal, for venting, for clearing the air (because let’s be honest–anyone who would break up with me via Dr. John I wouldn’t trust to read anything I might write back).
In person. In public? Are you fucking kidding me? Nothing could show me more disrespect than that. “I don’t trust you to not make a scene, and I’m dumping your ass in a situation where all you can do is take it and not get what you’re entitled to: the opportunity to show real emotion, ask sensitive questions, or exhibit a genuine personal reaction.” That’s almost as fucked up and chickenshit as a Dear John. Sure, break-ups can be ugly, but if it’s a relationship that mattered to you, nothing can diminish it more than to have it treated like some ho-hum conversation. If she’s going to dump you, you deserve the dignity of having it be done in private, free of distractions or easy outs. It’s one thing to have it string along over the course of the evening; it’s another thing to have it executed as if it were just another line item on her Blackberry.
Third party. I’ve never had this happen to me, but I think I’d prefer it to the Dear John or the Public Place. There isn’t necessarily a stigma to the 3rd party break-up, unless it’s someone who you barely know. But if it’s a close mutual friend, they can be sympathetic and some assistance to process your immediate emotions without necessarily taking a defensive position automatically. Not best-case, obviously, but it actually can have a human dimension that the other two sorely lack.