Which would decompose faster: a Slim Jim or a corpse?

Factual Questions
1

Millions,

Last night, after a bandmate demanded we bury him in a coffin filled with Slim Jims, a discussion about the virtual indestructibility of Slim Jims began. We imagined a Thunder Dome-y, post-apocalypse filled with SPAM, cockroaches, Slim Jims, and Tina Turner. And then we wondered, apropos the original statement: “which would decompose faster: a Slim Jim or a corpse?”

I want to ask about a hypothetic unwrapped Slim Jim as well as the about the half-life of a wrapped Slim Jim. I realize there isn’t a whole discipline of chemistry devoted to over-salted snack 'ems, but if I can get this answer anywhere it’s the Dope.

2

The Slim Jim. It’s much smaller. Now if you had a corpse-sized Slim Jim…

3

Damn strait, 'cause there ain’t no such thing as a real unwrapped Slim Jim. There’s wrapped Slim Jims, and there’s empty wrappers.

At least, that’s how it is as Chez Knead.

4

I don’t know, I bet a Slim Jim has more preservatives than an untreated corpse. I imagine the Slim Jim would just dry out and still look pretty much like a Slim Jim, not so sure about a corpse (even an embalmed one).

5

That was my thought as well. Regardless of the size, I feel like the Slim Jim is, essentially, indestructible; borderline inorganic, even.

6

Are there any Brits reading the OP and thinking Slim Jim = crowbar?

7

God I love this place.

I was involved in the clean up and restoration of a convenience store my parents purchased in 1990. At that time, it had been closed for about 5 years. In the clean up I found an opened Slim Jim package with the delicious morsel still inside. Aside from the dust, it looked exactly ilke a Slim Jim.

8

…WELL?
How did it taste?

9

Precisely what I’d hoped he’d tell us. DETAILS, MAN. 'Cause you know you at least tried a bite.

10

He did say it was “delicious.”

11

They are equally durable, essentially. I’m pretty sure you could bat in a slow pitch softball game with a Slim Jim.

12

You’d pretty much HAVE to, no?

13

Uhhmm, I dunno. Kinda like mastadon.

14

No fucking way.

I won’t drink milk if it is day past expiration. Of course, Slim Jim’s have no expiration date, but I still wasn’t sticking that thing in my mouth.

15

Not too far off, actually.

For those of you who aren’t aware, Slim Jims are some kind of smoked meat-ish, jerky-ish sausage-ish extruded food rod. If you squeeze them, orange grease will ooze from the end

They actually don’t taste all that bad, believe it or not.

16

There is a rental house near my place. When walking the dog, I noticed an opened Slim Jim, with about 1/2 of the meat-ish goodness protruding out of the wrapper, in the front lawn near a garbage pile (the place is/was a dump, and the pile had been removed). The Jim remained behind, and I watched it for over two months, in the elements, and it didn’t change appearance at all. One day it was gone.

It was strangest to me that the Jim didn’t get eaten by an animal right away.

Interesting and repulsive.

17

Now, if we could get Twinkie’s filled with Slim Jim’s, we’d have the perfect post-apocalyptic meal.

Carbos. Protein. Preservatives.

:smiley:

And, to answer the O.P. I’d think we’d need to have two experts that I have not seen here as Dopers: A mortician and a meat packer.

Cartooniverse

18

That’s unfortunate. What’s highly fortunately, on the other hand, is that we don’t have a Doper who is both.

19

No, because I don’t think we’re generally familiar with that meaning of the term either.

Slim Jms are similar to the item sold here under the brand name ‘Peperami’, aren’t they?

20

Yeah, I just went to the Peperami page at Unilever’s website. That looks very much like the same thing.