Rather than being buried with Slim Jims, I want to be enbalmed like a Slim Jim: treated with salt, sodium nitrate and a blend of spices (somehow turning me dark red), then encased in a hermetically sealed single serving container. Anyone who chose to do so would be welcome to snap into me.
[QUOTE=OneCentStamp]
Yeah, I just went to the Peperami page at Unilever’s website. That looks very much like the same thing.
[/QUOTE]
I concur. I found this pretty amusing, from their website:
Slim Jim = seriously healthy. Understood. Next stop: Baconator.
[QUOTE=Cartooniverse]
And, to answer the O.P. I’d think we’d need to have two experts that I have not seen here as Dopers: A mortician and a meat packer.
Cartooniverse
[/QUOTE]
Until a mortician checks in…
Does anybody here recall a news story almost 20 years ago. I don’t read the morticians trade magazine, but when this particular story came out it made the AP and a number of Disc Jockey show prep services.
Anyhoo… a morticians trade magazine compared practices of over 100 years before with today (which would have been around 1988). One of the little surprises was how fast the 19th century undertaker had to “undertake” his job compared to the late 20th century mortician.
In first world countries the average body has been exposed to enough food preservatives to keep approx. an extra 24 hours compared to the 19th century human.
[QUOTE=Doug Bowe]
In first world countries the average body has been exposed to enough food preservatives to keep approx. an extra 24 hours compared to the 19th century human.
[/QUOTE]
Snopes has nothing, but I’m sure I’ve seen that debunked as a myth somewhere.
[QUOTE=Mangetout]
Snopes has nothing, but I’m sure I’ve seen that debunked as a myth somewhere.
[/QUOTE]
Snopes does have a message board where the posters seem logical and decently well-reasoned. Discussion here, which is mostly full of debunking. It’s no SDMB, of course.
Interesting thought for a thread… One might say: food for thought.
I’m going to be contrarian and a say the Slim Jim will go first. Slim Jims are food, and something is going to eat it. Your flesh and organs might go pretty fast, but your bones could last quite a long time.
Of course, we are all assuming a corpse with no breast implants, ceramic hips, knee replacements, silicone veins, metal cranial plates, false teeth, etc, etc, etc.
[QUOTE=Sapo]
Of course, we are all assuming a corpse with no breast implants, ceramic hips, knee replacements, silicone veins, metal cranial plates, false teeth, etc, etc, etc.
[/QUOTE]
False teeth decompose at a different rate? How fast do real teeth decompose? 
[QUOTE=Sapo]
Of course, we are all assuming a corpse with no breast implants, ceramic hips, knee replacements, silicone veins, metal cranial plates, false teeth, etc, etc, etc.
[/QUOTE]
I’m also assuming none of these were pressed into a Slim Jim either, which is just barely less plausible. But yes.
[QUOTE=Contrapuntal]
False teeth decompose at a different rate? How fast do real teeth decompose?
[/QUOTE]
er, good point. I think I will put my money on the false ones, anyways.
[QUOTE=Contrapuntal]
False teeth decompose at a different rate? How fast do real teeth decompose?
[/QUOTE]
Slower than any other part of the body. It’s not fer nuthin’ that we often find only teeth of our ancient hominid ancestors. As for dentures… well, if they’re made out of wood like George Washington’s allegedly were, they’ll be gone in a flash.
[QUOTE=OneCentStamp]
treated with salt, sodium nitrate and a blend of spices
[/QUOTE]
Add sugar, and you have gravlax, which is amusingly close to “grave.”
…is probably enough to preserve them. Come to think about it, my wife makes great salt cod dishes (fritters, bolinos de bacalhao, etc.). I’ve noticed that salted cod is pretty near indestructible-I’d be willing to bet that preserving a human body with salt (like codfish) would make a near-perfect mummy. The main thing is removing the water …“water is a sore destroyer of your dead body” (from “HAMLET”-the gravedigger’s speech).
[QUOTE=plnnr]
No fucking way.
I won’t drink milk if it is day past expiration. Of course, Slim Jim’s have no expiration date, but I still wasn’t sticking that thing in my mouth.
[/QUOTE]
Sure they do, look close on the wrapper. It says “You should live so long.”
[QUOTE=Sapo]
Of course, we are all assuming a corpse with no breast implants, ceramic hips, knee replacements, silicone veins, metal cranial plates, false teeth, etc, etc, etc.
[/QUOTE]
Or Robocop.
I’m also dubious about the preservatives/delayed decomp phenomenon. Perhaps it’s more related to factors like air conditioning and dehumidification, improved hygiene, and modern antibiotics (a great many people die while taking antibiotics, not just for disease but post-trauma and post-op patients).
[QUOTE=OneCentStamp]
Rather than being buried with Slim Jims, I want to be enbalmed like a Slim Jim: treated with salt, sodium nitrate and a blend of spices (somehow turning me dark red), then encased in a hermetically sealed single serving container. Anyone who chose to do so would be welcome to snap into me.
[/QUOTE]
This is the second time I’ve opened up this thread and read that, and it cracked me up just as much the second time. Maybe because Slim Jim-embalmment jokes don’t degrade any faster than Slim Jims do? 
I’m cracking up over it too. And I’m trying not to audibly exclaim in a Rowdy Roddy Piper voice “SNAP INTO IT!” Because I’m reading this at work, and I don’t even want to try and explain this whole thing.
Err, I have just been informed that it was an entirely different wrestler. WELL THANK GOD I DIDN’T EXCLAIM OUT LOUD THEN.
[QUOTE=scout1222]
Err, I have just been informed that it was an entirely different wrestler. WELL THANK GOD I DIDN’T EXCLAIM OUT LOUD THEN.
[/QUOTE]
I was going to save you the embarrassment, but it seems some good Samaritan already did. It was the Macho Man Randy Savage, by the way, who is certainly no less ridiculous.
[QUOTE=scout1222]
I’m cracking up over it too. And I’m trying not to audibly exclaim in a Rowdy Roddy Piper voice “SNAP INTO IT!” Because I’m reading this at work, and I don’t even want to try and explain this whole thing.
[/QUOTE]
A complete and utter hijack, but I’m pressing ahead full speed ahead:
My freshman year in college I had a poli sci proffers who looked very much like Roddy Piper; however, he was flamingly homosexual. My classmates refered to him as Rowdy Roddy Piper’s Sissy Brother.
Continue.