Okay, I’m not sure where this would go, but IMHO seemed to make the most sense. Mods, please feel free to move it to MPSIMS or somewhere else more appropriate if necessary.
Hypothetical Situation:
You are dating someone, and things are going great as far as you’re concerned. You are really into this person. Then one of two things happen:
A) They sleep with someone else
B) They develop a deep, emotional bond with someone else, and although the relationship is platonic in the strictest sense, they feel more than just friendly affection for this person
In which case would you be more hurt?
In your answer, I would appreciate it if you included your gender. I have asked a few people and the answer seems divided along gender lines. Also, if the situation is unclear, I would be happy to clarify.
Thanks!
For me, a 19 year old male, I’d find her developing a deep affection for someone else, even if they’ve never slept together.
At least if she cheats, you call just justify it in your mind that she’s a dirty whore and move on. (You may not want my opinion because I’m kinda screwed up when it comes to relationships.)
If she develops a deep affection for the other person, then it basically destroys your self-esteem. Why did she fall for this person? Was it just because he’s better than your, or were you just worse? Was she thinking about him while with you? All these things would cross my mind.
“A” would be worse, because the way it’s described there’s nothing wrong with “B.” The relationship is physically platonic, and there’s no indication that I’m going to be dumped or treated poorly as a result of this “emotional bond” – which could very well turn out to be just a big ol’ crush. The actual cheating is what would hurt more: people can’t control their feelings, but they can certainly control their actions.
Best friends don’t count. A “deep emotional bond” with someone else is far more serious. Sex might be a one time “meaningless” thing. Emotional commitment is everything. If your partner is deeply emotionally involved with someone else, it’s time to find another partner.
What **keyja]/b] said. It’s the “deep emotional bond” part. A friendship? No biggie, but when you are in a life partnership with someone, well for me at least YOU want to be that person’s “deep emotional bond” and vice versa.
and hard to answer without a lot of “it depends”. Obviously I’d hope he’d have serious emotional bonds other than me. But if your asking what I think you’re asking…B. Definatly B.
I know my SO has had sex with someone else since we’ve been together. I was in the room at the time . Didn’t bother me. And he might have since we’ve been seperated (by that pesky ocean). That wouldn’t bother me. But that I had been replace as foremost in his affections…that would bother me.
He’s foremost in mine…it would hurt like hell not to be first in his. His getting his rocks off is something else.
In your hypothetical situation, you didn’t specify whether our hero has staked some sort of claim. If they’re neither living together nor engaged, he has no right to expect her not to date anyone else. If he’s serious, he should have let her know.
A would hurt me far worse than B. for me, physical initmacy requires emotional intimacy. To disrespect that connection would be far more devasting that if he were to have a close bond with some other female. Perhaps they share common interests than have no appeal to me. If I trust him enough to be intimate with him, I trust him to keep his other relationships purely platonic even tho the female in question may want more.
Which is not to say B wouldn’t hurt at all. Part of me would be feeling “what is he getting from her that I can’t give him” but I am *no longer * the type of person who has to remake myself into my SO’s ideal. Been there, done that, paid the emotional price for it.
B is only a problem if, simultaneously, the bond she has with you weakens. If someone is able to maintain that many meaningful human relationships at once and neglect none of them, my blessings to them.
What would be painful to me would happen if my partner was not being honest and open with me. If my partner was keeping a secret from me, B would be more painful. If he had a relationship that was very important to him but he felt for some reason that he couldn’t talk to me about it, that would wound me deeply. Then again, I have a hard time picturing my particular SO doing A without B . . . But if he did, I think I could forgive it much more easily as hormone-induced idiocy.
Disclamer: I wouldn’t be hurt by A or B as long as my partner discusses it with me and everything is out in the open, so feel free to drop me if I’m skewing your statistics. Female.
Thanks for the results everyone: this has been interesting and surprising.
I was actually figuring that the majority of females would pick b, while most males would pick a. The small sample I had previously asked fell along these patterns. I assumed it had something to do with men being territorial about their SO’s bodies, or something very unscientific like that. But the results here have shown otherwise.
I, a 21 year old female, would pick b, for the exact same reasons as betenoir. Also, AskNott , I don’t think you have to be engaged or living together for there to be a serious commitment, but let’s say there was between the two people. Also, I didn’t make this clear either, but let’s say in both cases your SO dumps you for the other person. Does this change anyone’s answers?
that changes everything - a “dump” hurts no matter the reason -
in your OP, you imply by omission that your relationship continues beyond the discovery of the other relationship.
There was a time I would have said “A”. Now I think it’s “B”.
I can understand a human weakness and moment of indiscretion. I don’t condone it, but I can understand it. Once. (We are just talking the one time and not a habitual kind of “A” behaviour, right?)
On the other hand, an emotional betrayal, “B”, will distroy everything over time with scortched earth results and will inevitably lead to “A” anyway.
Heck, A hardly bothers me anymore. If it happens, it’s a guaranteed break-up, but I’m getting to the point of almost expecting guys to cheat physically. Not that I excuse them for it. It just doesn’t surprise me anymore when it happens.
But B… I was gonna marry that guy. Then I found him writing love letters to another girl.
Anyway, 23 female. Yeah, lots of bad experiences in fairly a short time.
Okay, no fair changing the poll halfway through. Your initial post says something -completely- different from what this does.
I can only read the first version as saying a) ‘has sex with someone’ vs b)‘loves someone (without wanting to live with or have sex with them)’.
You did say it was strictly platonic, and implied it was in an emotional sense as well as physical: *‘More than friendly affection’ * does **not ** naturally translate into ‘sexual interest and desire to form a permanent pair-bond’.
Since I have no problem understanding that people can care for others beyond ‘just a friend’ (ie, classifying them into ‘inner circle of trusted people that I feel genuine love and affection for’) without wanting to actually form a *sexual * relationship, I could not and cannot see any problem with (b). I figured that the only people who’d fuss over (b) were jealous to the point of crazy, while anyone can agree that (a) sucks mightily.
However.
This is a WHOLE heap different from ‘Has sex with, then leaves you’ vs ‘Falls in love, then leaves you (and presumably has sex)’.
Either way, they’ve left you and are having sex with someone else. In this scenario, I’d guess the second one is probably easier to live with because if someone’s actually taking the time to scope out another solid relationship before ditching the old one, odds are the old one is over with already in all but name. However, pretty much whichever way you cut it, both options are nasty.
If I have to rate one over the other then I guess in either situation (a) is worse, but for completely different reasons.
. Didn’t bother me. And he might have since we’ve been seperated (by that pesky ocean). That wouldn’t bother me. But that I had been replace as foremost in his affections…that would bother me.