I realised one day that, despite not living with him from the age of 11, I had “become” my father. I even look like him now, though when younger I looked more like my mother. Scary!
Although I think my decision not to have children was my own, it is the only revenge I can have on him, and his name dies with me.
That wasn’t the exact one I wanted, but couldn’t find it on the fly; I had looked it up once during a quibble about the meaning, and the one I’m thinking of said (paraphrased) “Doing one’s own thing at the expense of others.” Nothing specific about their needs or whatever.
Professional? Yes.
Religious? Nope.
Social? Modestly.
Hobbies? I read, travel, jump out of planes, and dive off boats.
Pets? Yes.
Age? I’m aging well, thanks. Please don’t stick me back in the barrel!
I love an uncomplicated lifestyle. It’s quiet when I need it to be quiet, and noisy when I want noise. I can pick up and go on vacation without putting too much thought or effort into it. That’s nifty.
A professional? Yes
Religious? Yes
Social? Not much
Hobbies? Too many to list (have to fill the time somehow)
Pets? Yes
Age? 44
I wanted children very badly and tried twice in my mid20’s. Took me forever to get pregnant. Success we thought in '92 but when I went in for my first ultrasound at around 6 months, the one where you get a video of it, she couldn’t find the heartbeat. The ultrasound showed my baby wasn’t moving and they told me my baby had died. I was sent to the hospital, induced, and had to go through labor and delivery. It was a total nightmare. I asked to be knocked out but they couldn’t so I remember every second of it. They did all kinds of tests but couldn’t determine what went wrong. I was an emotional mess.
But we did eventually try again 2years later I got pregnant. I was very paranoid. Doc said it could effect the baby so I needed to calm down. She had me seeing a problem preg specialist at a teaching hospital and let me come in for a recorded ultrasound every week due to my history and telling me it was good for my piece of mind. Around 15 weeks she noticed diminished fluid around the baby but I’d had no leaking. Every week it got a little worse. They had me go on strict bed rest and a special diet. No improvement. They put me in the hospital at 5 months. They were researching and trying everything. The neonatal pediatritian came and consulted with me about odds of survival if i could last just one more week and they could induce. They began injections to boost the baby’s lung development. One morning the heartbeat just suddenly stopped. The baby had died. The same thing had happened.
This time they got back a positive test result for something called Antiphospholipid Antibody Syndrome. My specialist doc had only had one other patient with it in his career. It was fairly rare. Prognosis to try again was grim. Heparin, prednisone, aspirin, bed rest, and premature delivery. Risk to me and the baby. I was pretty devastated so we took some time to grieve.
My mother actually offered to surrogate carry for us. But I was afraid it would happen to her and I wouldn’t risk that on my worst enemy. I know now it wouldn’t have happened. But I was pretty paranoid at the time.
We spoke to a lawyer a year or so later about adoption. We were a young couple with not a lot in savings, some heafty medical bills, and adoption can really be expensive. I was still feeling such pity for myself that I just couldn’t bring myself to “buy” a baby. I felt like why are WE the ones having to pay? People who plan carefully and lose get penalized while people squirting out babies irresponsibly are given my taxpayer money to do so. I just felt too victimized. So we decided just to not decide right then. Years went by and I still have such emotional baggage from it all that it’s probably best we just keep it the two of us. And my condition has now been further diagnosed as Systemic Lupus, which it is often related to. when it rains it pours!
So here we are facing a childless life. It’s hard during holidays, and when I go see relatives kids at their school plays, dance recitals, or graduation. Heck it’s hard every day. I was an only child so my parents have no grandchildren. I hate that! But I’m greatful that I do know the joy of telling my husband I’m pregnant, what a baby’s kick feels like, and the pain of labor. Some people don’t even get those experiences.
If you ask someone if they have children and they simply say no. Please don’t say, “oh you’re so lucky’. Mine drive me crazy!”. Or “want me to send you mine?”. You just never know the reason. Some of us aren’t lucky.
Annie-Xmas, YES!! Absolutely! But my siblings all had kids and went wayyyyyyyyyyyyyy to the other side, raising a bunch of spoiled, lazy, entitled brats.
But thanks for saying what I wanted to say.
I’m 32 and female. I decided I didn’t want kids long before I was told I was infertile. When the diagnosis was made, it was actually kind of a relief. The pressure was off of me. I had a convenient excuse for the family so they would leave me alone about it.
I am an atheist.
I have never been married. My parents went through a REALLY ugly divorce when I was 7 and that has made me reluctant to jump into that institution.
Most of my friends have kids - and they bitch about them CONSTANTLY. I mean, they never say anything positive about it after the kids hit age 3 or 4. Until then, it’s a non-stop inundation of everything their kid does, plastered all over social media. I find that pretty tacky.
Also, as other posters have mentioned, I am scared that if I ever had a kid with some guy he would force me to do everything. I am in grad school. I have a lot going for me. I am not - and have never been - willing to throw myself away just to say I’m someone’s mother. It’s so not worth it to me.
Like I said, infertility was a relief.
A professional? – No but married to one
Religious? – Not in the least
Social? – Somewhat. Not a party girl, but not a complete hermit either
Hobbies? – Training and showing dogs and horses, reading, sightseeing
*Pets? *-- 7 cats, 2 dogs, 3 horses
Age? – 51 (husband is 54)
When did you know you didn’t want children? – As soon as I grew up enough to realize that it was my choice whether or not to have them, that it wasn’t on the list with eating and sleeping.
What inspired your choice? – Nothing in particular, it’s just how I’m wired. I’m mostly a loner (though I’m married and I do enjoy time with friends etc) and the thought of being responsible for another human 24/7 gives me the heebie jeebies. Animals are easy (to me), people are not.