Who has been intimate with polar bears?

Factual Questions
1

That is, who knows a lot about polar bear ancestry?

Within the past couple of years, I heard a fascinating hypothesis advanced. I must have been watching a documentary or reading on the ‘net. It was along the lines of: polar bears are not as closely related to true bears as once thought. They may be much more closely related to the weasel/wolverine/mink family. I thought this sounded pretty far-fetched, and then I began looking more closely at films of polar bears on television. By George, they DO remind me of big honkin’ wolverines at that. Watch the way they snake their long heads and necks from side to side, and how low the heads are compared to the rest of the body. I watched one stalking a seal, and the bear’s whole posture and facial expression strongly reminded me of a badger prowling for rabbits or prairie dogs.

I found a great website about bears and emailed the zoologist who created the site, but I’ve received no response. Have any Dopers who are up in their ursology heard about this?

2

The title of this thread is amusing.

My first thought was: “Not me! … Why, what have you heard?”

3

Reminds me of an old joke about a Texan visiting Alaska.

4

ey Boo Boo! They’re bears.
If you go down to the woods today
You’re sure of a big surprise
If you go down to the woods today
You’d better go in disguise

For ev’ry bear that ever there was
Will gather there for certain, because
Today’s the day the Teddy Bears have their picnic.

Ev’ry Teddy Bear who’s been good
Is sure of a treat today.
There’s lots of marvelous things to eat
And wonderful games to play

Beneath the trees where nobody sees
They’ll hide and seek as long as they please
'Cause that’s the way the Teddy Bears have their picnic

If you go down to the woods today
You’d better not go alone
It’s lovely down in the woods today
But safer to stay at home

For ev’ry bear that ever there was
Will gather there for certain, because
Today’s the day the Teddy Bears have their picnic.

Picnic time for Teddy Bears
The little Teddy Bears are having a lovely time today
Watch them, catch them unawares
And see them picnic on their holiday.

See them gaily gad about
They love to play and shout;
They never have any care;

At six o’clock their Mummies and Daddies,
Will take them home to bed,
Because they’re tired little Teddy Bears.

5

The real problem with being intimate with polar bears is lying naked on the ice floe afterwards, wondering how long you have to stay before you can put on your parka and go home.

6

Seconded! Especially if yuor hairy, and hopefully satisfied, partner is BI-polar! :smiley:

Nothing worse than a pissed-off, depressed, ursine!

7

… no polar bears, just ice weasels. Sigh. Hey, what number are polar bears, anyway? Maybe 250?

8

Re: The OP - I highly doubt it. The authoritative Walker’s Mammals of the World ( 1991 edition ) makes no such supposition. And it’s a fact that The Polar Bear (Ursus maritimus) and The Brown/Grizzly Bear (Ursus arctos) can hybridize and produce fully fertile offspring. They seem to be sister taxa.

I’ll agree that as bears go, the Polar Bear is rather weasel-like in appearance. But then I’ve always thought Wolverine’s were rather bear-like :wink: . I think it’s just a coincidence of ecology and convergent evolution.

  • Tamerlane
9

Tamerlane: Thanks, your reply clinched it. I never thought about hybridization! Wonder what a polar bear/grizzly cross would be called? A pizzly?

jti: PFFFFFFTTTTTHHHH! Or wondering if your girlfriend is going to smell the ringed seal on your breath.

10

I think that because polar bears spend much more time swimming - to catch prey - than other bears, they have a more stream-lined, weasel-like look.

11

while we’re on the topic of polar bear sexuality, I beleive that bears are one of the few mammals who have a bone in their penis.

12

Do I have to tell you pepole about the story about me and the bears… AGIAN?

13

A trivial problem, really. Just get you some DNA from polar bears, grizzly bears, brown bears and various members of the weasel family, sequence the parts that code for ribosomal RNA, and run them through a phylogenetic analysis program. If someone else hasn’t done it already, you can even publish the results.