Off the bat: I’m not pregnant, nor likely to be in the near future (I’m on BCP).
However, the boyfriend is talking about moving to a different place (we do not technically live together currently, partly because we both hate moving), and is looking at different areas. One of the criteria he’s using is that I might decide that it’s time to start reproducing - at which point I’d tell him, and we could talk about it.
I’m still in school, but I’m also 32. I think I probably want to have kids, but I’m completely terrified of the whole idea. I definitely don’t want to wait until I’m 40 if I want to have them, but…dealing with schools, bullies, weird friends, etc. - let alone the personality disorders, etc. I remember what my sisters and I have put my mom through…though I’ve made up for it later…
I think my boyfriend would be an awesome and loving dad, and I think I’d probably manage to squeak through as a mom, but damn thinking about it scares the hell out of me.
Being a parent is the most fulfilling job in the world. It’s not for everyone though. Kids are a lot of work. My wife and I were in our early to mid thirties also when we had kids. I cannot imagine life without them now.
You don’t want to “squeak through” as a mom; you want to provide the best possible environment for your kids. We’re not “super parents” by any stretch, but we’re doing a great job, IMHO.
Be prepared for a shit-load of work for 5 or 6 years, followed by (hopefully) a lifetime of rewards. When you’re in your 40s and getting old and grey you’ll appreciate having a family to call your own.
No one is completely prepared to have kids; they don’t even come with an instruction manual. Lots of decisions need to be made based on your own intuition and upbringing.
I think I probably just scared you away from the idea.
Scared? Heck yes. Going to? Heck no. Parenting is genetic slavery. If I wanted kids, I’d get them served a la king. Human stupidity has caused the virus to spread nearly 7 billion strong; we’ve long outgrown our host and we don’t need more mindless bunny-rabbiting. Meh.
One thing I point out to people who mention fear of parenthood based on other peoples’ kids - you get yours from the start. Theoretically, there are no bad habits, so you can teach your child starting day 1. Or day 2, if you’re too tired…
The point is, you’re learning as a parent as the kids is learning as a kid - you make the journey together. And you deal and do what you have to do sometimes. Kinda like life in general.
I have friends who decided immediately that they didn’t want kids. 30+ years later, they seem content to have just each other. They didn’t hate rugrats - they were always generous to my daughter - but they knew they didn’t want their own. I don’t know if it was fear or some other reason. But it works for them.
And you’ll figure out what works for you. Just try to see all sides as you make your choice. Your fears may or may not be justified. Only you can figure that out.
I think everyone is terrified about it, because it’s a huge, time-and-a-half-for-18-years undertaking. If you don’t want children, don’t have them. But if you do want children, the terrified feeling is pretty normal. You get over it, for the most part. Your life will be a roller coaster of emotions for the rest of your life. Boundless love, fear, anger, joy, worry, pride…it’s all in there.
I’m a parent and it still terrifies me. When you have kids, you become hostage to the world. But that kind of thinking is big picture. The day-to-day stuff, what life mostly consists of, is surprising, frustrating and amazing. Kids are quite the adventure, no question!
That’s how we are. We borrow our friends’ kids and take them out to have fun with them but then we can give them back at the end of the day. I’ve never wanted children - even as a child and teenager I didn’t fantasize about being a mother and my partner had a vasectomy before I met him. I don’t think that either of us are scared, we just know that for a variety of reasons we wouldn’t be happy as parents or be particularly good at it. Until I was about 30 I was far too irresponsible and loving it, and after that I wanted to pour all of my energy into nonprofit work and community organizing. I get frustrated just thinking about having to make all of my decisions based on what’s good for children. I’m impatient and I’ve never felt the need to be conventional unless I feel like it. I doubt I would be a very good role model for a child that wants to fit into mainstream culture. I would be one of those weird, wacky movie moms that embarrass the hell out of their kids by being so eccentric.
Yeah, being a parent is terrifying, no doubt about it. Any sensible person would be frightened. Pretty much everything on the list of “things I am really scared of” are things about my children (except drowning). It’s possible that not being frightened sometimes by the prospect of becoming a parent is a sign that you aren’t ready to be one.
Parenting is also even more rewarding than it is scary. The bad stuff is pretty intermittent, but the joy is almost daily. You don’t get a big prize if you don’t take a big risk, I guess.
I know I’d make an absolutely-appalling father–I can’t even hold together an adult relationship with one other person–so it’s just as well I haven’t had and won’t have kids, even if I weren’t too old to start. There are times when it’s best to break the pattern.
That being said, I do enjoy my friends’ kids. But I get to give them back at the end of the day.
matt_mcl, ‘demystification of homosexuality workshops’? Who gives these? Are they any sort of official thing?
I’m terrified of being a parents and for this reason I don’t want kids.
People always tell me that I would make a great mom because I’m thoughtful and caring, and my dog is absolutely well taken-care-of. But I personally feel I ignore the dog too much and am too lazy.
That sort of thing, coupled with things I read/hear about kids with some mental disabilities or behavioral problems that take a lot of time and effort to resolve (like this)…that scares the shit out of me. You absolutely can’t plan for that, and you can’t get rid of your kid.
After recently being passed over by a great guy AGAIN based on my wanting to remain childless, I gave some deeper thought to my decision. I decided that part of my problem is that I haven’t ever been in an equal, loving relationship ever in my life. So any time I imagine myself becoming a parent I am in it alone with absolutely no help from a loving father. I cannot even fathom having someone there who loves and supports me and my child (whatever the kid’s problems may be). I think that is actually a major roadblock to me not being terrified.
Being fearful of having kids at least demonstrates enough maturity that you can rule out blithe idiocy as a reason to refrain. If you were raised OK, (regardless how you responded to that rearing at the time), then most likely you will be a decent parent and if the BF would be a wonderful parent, then at least you do not have to worry about going it alone.
I do not recommend for or against–that has to be your decision–but don’t let the fear of failure stop you unless you have a specific reason to expect that failure.
I am the mother of a 7-year-old girl,and am still terrified on some level. The prospect of her going through puberty scares me. I know I will handle it when it happens, as I’ve handled every developmental stage of her growth so far, but I still freak out when I hear the horror stories about pregnant 12-year-olds and remember the kid (he couldn’t have been more than 13) I saw years ago at Knotts Berry Farm with a cigarette in his hand. The thing is, I am one of those wacky movie moms, as referenced by a previous poster. I like anime and reading, and share my hobbies with my daughter. I enjoy taking her to all kinds of places and having discussions with her about religion and politics and whatever she brings up, on her level. We play ninjas and artists and fashion models on weekends. I don’t bake cookies or go to PTA meetings. Hell, I can’t even drive. But somehow, my daughter gets three square meals, clean clothing, and a place to sleep that she doesn’t have to share with 4 dogs and a pile of laundry, and lots of love from me and her dad. What I’m trying to say is, most parents worry that they will be lousy parents at first, on account of whatever shortcomings they feel they have, but somehow, their kids turn out OK. I’m pretty sure mine will.
If you’re NOT scared of having kids, you haven’t really given it much thought. This is, after all, a whole other human being that you are responsible for not only keeping alive, but actually molding into a reasonably sane, competent, contributing member of society.
My daughter will be 18 in a couple of months. She is, on the whole, a great kid, and STILL I at least daily think to myself “Exactly what kind of stupid am I unleashing on the world, here?” Of course, I also see reasons every day to be proud of her. She’s made me more happy and more miserable and more thrilled and more terrified and more compassionate and more frustrated than anything or anyone else in the world ever could. Neither of us would be who we are without the other.
I think there’s a huge difference between “I’m scared to have kids” and “I don’t want kids”. You’ll figure out which of those applies to you when the time comes.
Of course I’m terrified - she’s terrified, too. I think that’s sane; it’s a huge undertaking.
But we went into it with eyes wide open and I’m sure that it’ll feel natural soon enough. Plenty of folk with apparently fewer resources and less native intelligence seem to come out of it relatively unscarred. I think we can manage it.
I strongly dislike children - did as a child, still do. They fucked me up, my mom and dad, but they are loving parents and mostly did their best; I could imagine myself going through the same effort out of parental obligation, but only with great resentment. My genes are crap - cardiovascular disease on both sides of the family, migraines and depression (both inherited) from mom’s. On top of that, getting run over has left me semicrippled and terrified of driving.
My SO wants to have kids. Murphy giggles somewhere.
I will reread this thread more closely after the coffee kicks in, but thank you all so much already. Lucky13 and DianaG hit on some of my issues in particular - that I feel I have shortcomings. I think I would do better than “just squeak by” as I said above, but part of me fears I’d be just horrible.