This isn’t the place to say that they are both important in their own ways. That is self-evident. You have to pick one.
I have seen many different family relationships that valued one over the other. For example, I am 31. Last summer, I had an especially dire, potentially life altering crisis that I needed my mother to help me with. She lives 1,800 miles away. As it so happens, her husband, my stepfather, had an almost equally bad crisis happen almost simultaneously. She picked my problem and helped me through it. My stepfather talked to her about it later and said that because he was her spouse, he should come first. She basically told him that she her children always come first because he could easily be replaced and her children could not. I feel the same way. I have one child now and one on the way and I think that trumps all other relationships. I always hear about children having bad stepparents. God forbid, if I ever got a divorce and my new wife ever physically or emotionally abused one of my children then kids would be singing nursery rhymes about the bitch that flew over the moon.
This is a really tough one, although not as difficult for me as it would be for someone in a second marriage with kids from a first. My children are 15 and 11, and in reality, they would come first if both they and my husband needed me. He would expect me to take care of them first, and I would expect him to do the same - they’re both of ours, after all. Because they’re our children, we both feel the need to care for them first in any emergency.
However, when I think about relationships, I put my relationship with him before my relationships with the children, because I feel our marriage is the primary relationship in the family. I’m not sure how to quantify that without saying that they’re both important in their own ways.
I’m going through a divorce right now, but even when I still loved my husband, I knew if I ever had to choose between my husband and my kids, I’d pick my kids every time. I think it’s because while I loved my spouse, and he loved me, my kids need and depend on me. They love me unconditionally and they are so little and sweet and innocent. Also, I never felt like my dad loved me growing up, but he adored my mom, so I tend to overcompensate for that. My kids are the most precious thing to me ever!
I don’t have kids, a wife, or even a girlfriend but I have a hard time imagining myself putting someone ahead of my significant other if I were to ever get one.
Of course, not liking kids, that’s fairly easy for me to say. It might change one day but for the time being, I don’t see it happening.
I am presently single and childless, but I would put the children first. I just think a parent’s primary obligation should be protecting their children.
Interesting question! And I can’t help you, because I don’t have kids and don’t want any, but I grew up in a “kids first” household. (Sorta) like Shagnasty, I had an experience where my mom put me first. Not in the same crisis-oriented way, but when I was 15, I suddenly started being really mean to my poor sweet (and completely innocent) dad, as adolescent girls sometimes do. Because he and I had had the consummate Mutual Adoration relationship throughout my childhood, my mom thought there must be more to it than mere adolescent angst, and so sat me down and asked if he had engaged in any, shall we say, inappropriate activity with me.
Once I got over my initial shock at the question, I assured her that he hadn’t.
Only as an adult did I realize how difficult that must have been for her, because she was ready to pack us up and head for the nearest exit if I’d confessed any wrongdoing on my dad’s part. Granted, I think ANY parent should be ready to do that in instances of abuse by the other parent, but how often do you hear or read about a parent who kicks the KID out, or just floats on denial when these situations occur?
So I’ve actually thanked my mom for being brave enough to ask, and ready to do the right thing. She’s cool (though also highly annoying sometimes).
I think as long you’re still responsible for the kid it should always be the kid who’s most important.
When the kid moves out and is independent, it depends. There is a point where you’re simply an enabler, but sometimes the kid generally needs you, too, as evidenced in the OP.
You’d have to take it on a case-by-case. How could you decide at the drop of a hat which is more important when it came to crunch time?
My mother always put me first. To her I was the most important person in her life. Every decision she made in life she thought about how it would effect me first.
I will probably be the same way. I love my husband, but he won’t need me as much as our child will.
We had this debate a few months ago, but with a little more heat; the question was (I believe) along the lines of “If you were on a boat, and you could only save either your spouse or your child, who would you save?”
Of course “kids” always come first.
However, once you become an adult and move away that responsibility lessens.
Now that I’m an adult and live 300 miles away from home I would not expect my mother to run to my aid over my fathers. They live together and rely on eachother. I’ve choosen to move away, grow up, and take care of myself.
I am an adult, so I would have expected my parents to consider each other the most important people in their lives. And they did so.
My father has died. If my mother remarried, I would expect her to consider her new husband the most important person in her life. I would want that for her.
There needs to be a clear distinction between talking about the protection and well-being aspects and the primary relationship aspects of this question.
Of course, biologically it’s a parent’s imperative to “take care of” their children before anyone else, even a spouse. No one would dispute that. Naturally, I or any other decent parent is going to put their kids first when it comes to safety, food or drink, comfort, and nurturing, things like that.
However, I believe that the marraige should be the primary relationship. I believe that when you marry you become one in spirit and should stand as a unit. I wouldn’t want to be married to someone that didn’t put me first, nor would I marry someone I didn’t want to put first.
This does not mean I wouldn’t walk over him to save my kids in a fire if I had to.
There is no question here; my spouse comes first. And divorce has never been an operable option. In case you are wondering, we raised five (5) children and love each every one. We lost our oldest daughter to cancer and did everything possible for her while she was alive. Children grow up and you have to let go, for their good and for your good. That leaves the two of you and if you haven’t set your priorities by that time then you are shit out of luck.
