Whom shall we exile to the Phantom Zone?

Due to circumstances beyond my control, my Phantom Zone projector is nearly out of fuel. I can’t do anything to recharge it. Every time I start mining white holes, Manwë gets all pissy for some reason, as if it’s somehow MY fault that Vulcan* was destroyed.

Anyway, the projector has enough charge left to exile twelve† adult humans to the infinite formless extradimensional hell the Kryptonians thought better than execution for reasons that frankly I have never understood. Whom shall I use it on, and why?

And, of course, no Dopers.‡ I need most of y’all alive, hale, hearty, and on this planet.

Thoughts, anyone?

  • It’s not as if T’Pol or anybody hot was there that day. No more than 4 billion sentients were killed.
    † Nine if one of them is Rush Limbaugh. Seven if Oprah Winfrey is included too.
    ‡Except for that one guy with the hat. No need to name names; he knows who he is and what he did.

Sarah Palin. Just because.

If we are using body mass as the limiter, can we exile certain parts of people as long as we make the mass cut-off? Because that way we don’t need to send all of Rush, just his head.

Aren’t you just kind of guaranteeing that they’ll re-appear at the worst possible moment? I mean, it’s not like nuclear explosions in space are all that rare.

My nominees:

  1. Michael Vick–while I would prefer that he be stripped naked, rolled in hamburger meat, and the tossed in with a dozen or so hungry dogs, Phantom Zone is good, too.

  2. Vince McMahon–he destroyed the old school wrestling I loved, and drove the final nail into Kayfabe’s coffin.

  3. Jessica Lohan Hilton–yes, Oak has trouble telling the various blonde bimbos apart. Figure the three of them added together oughta count as one entry, and banishing them from the planet would be considered a public service.

  4. Ryan Grant, RB, Green Bay–he’s on my fantasy roster, but out for the season after week 1. I have no further use for him.

  5. Ron Moore–hey, not my fault. “God did it”.

  6. That fucking 'Lock that was GY camping in the battlegrounds last night. I hate 'Locks and GY campers. A 'Lock that is also a GY camper should not be suffered to live.

  7. Richard Simmons–dude is just annoying.

  8. Roseanne Barr–more annoying than Richard Simmons

9 & 10. The two guys that robbed the convenience store near my house, and shot the clerk. That store has excellent BBQ sammiches, and shooting purveyors of fine pulled pork products is intolerable.

  1. The Burger King mascot–damn thing is just freaky.

  2. A certain board member that’s been a pain in my ass for years. Really tired of dealing with that witch.

You can’t send part of a body. Long complicated technobabble reason why. You’ll have to enroll in the Kryptonian Science Academy to understand, which presents its own difficulties.

Anyway, it’s not body mass that’s the issue; it’s strength of personality + level of assholery + the X factor.

They’re not rare in the DCU. Do you live in the DCU? If you’re unsure, go to New York and jump off the Empire State Building. :slight_smile:

Yes, but if we remove them then the crazy stupid bimbo energy will just spill over into someone else. It might be Christina Aguilera and she does not deserve that. Worse it might be Britney Spears, and she already has so much CSBE as it is that she may explode, destroying the Earth, and all my stuff is here.

To clarify, this is a reference to a member of the Board of Directors of my employer, not a Doper.

  1. The FOX exec who killed Firefly.

  2. Rupert Murdoch - just because.

  3. Pope Ratzy - You and yours got a lot of atoning to do. Better count on eternity to get it done.

  4. 5 CEOs of major corporations that have out-sourced jobs, crashed pension plans, collected stock options and bonuses while laying off thousands, and otherwise proven themselves to be scum. That leaves 4 slots for future transgressors. If we make the punishment very public, maybe some will learn. If not, then ZAP!

If I can offer an alternate proposal, would it be possible to remodel the Phantom Zone into a nice place to live, complete with luxury accommodations, free gourmet food, and Wi-Fi? Because frankly, if I could bring my family along, an eternity of rest and relaxation free from the rest of humanity…well, I just might volunteer and solve the conundrum.

Which part of “almost out of fuel, no way to refuel, only enough fuel left for 12 building, or 9 if one is Rush Limbaugh” was unclear?

Besides, the Phantom Zone is basically Hell without the succubuses.

Please, please include Dr Phil!!

Are we going with canon Phantom Zone, or Smallville Phantom Zone?

I don’t know anything about Smallville. The person who plays Lana Lang vexes me. She shall be among the first cast into the Void, no matter what the rest of y’all want.

I read this thread in the morning and I still have no idea who to send.

Nobody likes Lana. But I don’t blame the actress. She is written to be a horrible person. She actually does a much better job when she is playing someone else.

Anyways, I’m only familiar with the specifics of the Smallville Phantom zone–you can send people there bodily, but the reason it’s called the Phantom Zone is that you normally kill the people, and then send the souls there. If they get out, they have to take over another being’s body. (If the phantom is Kryptonian, the being will acquire the appropriate powers under a yellow sun.) And I don’t believe that nuclear explosions are enough to open a gate. You need Kryptonian crystal technology.

Also, when you get there, the only thing that seems bad about it is that there are a lot of sociopathic phantoms in it. It’s not inherently torturous–more like prison. Of course, we’ve only really seen what life is like if you go their bodily. And these people aren’t Kryptonian, so they’ll probably wind up dead. (And I don’t know if death converts them into a phantom.)

So, if you use the Smallville Phantom Zone, you are pretty much asking who we want to kill.

Then I stand by my choices. :stuck_out_tongue:

Well, given that I was alerted to this thread by the Signal in the Sky, I propose… that preacher who wanted to burn the a competing religion’s holy book. Rubbing sand in social machinery that doesn’t work too well at the best of times is just wrong.

We wouldn’t want to make a martyr of him, though. I mean, there’s not enough dwarf matter left to exile all of Fox News.

Tell you what. I’m gonna leave the keys to the Total Perspective Vortex in your mailbox. What happens after that is up to you.

Hear, hear, I’m with Oak on this one.