I don’t have a rolodex of slights waiting to be brought up, if I am pissed off at you I tell you, we fight it out and that is it.
I did date a jackass who was like those women. I remember vaguely once at the beginning of our relationship in one of those infernal board games at a party choosing the option of something along the lines of I am fairly nice looking. Towards the end he was fighting with me and he told me that I had claimed to be beautiful … :dubious: I have never considered myself to be beautiful, I am more the girl next door type.
My ex-wife was really bad about this. And to be fair, I could halfway understand if the previous old shit had never been resolved but nnnooo.
With her: We would argue about “X”, reach a compromise about “X”, have make up sex and then wash our hands of it. Unfortunately, that was hardly ever the case. Next time we would get into an argument about “Y” she would then for some reason throw “X” in to the mix again! :smack:
This is a common habit, especially when people argue (when people get mad, they nearly always bring up the past as part of the fight). Even if you don’t “keep score,” all that comes out when you’re fighting.
My mom is the same way, except that as time goes by her memory of the original event gets distorted, so what was done in the past becomes worse and worse with each retelling, until it gets to the point where she’s pretty much just making stuff up.
She does this with both myself and her own mother and it’s gotten to the point where both my grandma and I have told her that if she doesn’t drop it, the conversation is OVER, even if we have to physically walk away or hang up the phone.
I know it sounds mean to do that to your own daughter or to your mother, but nothing productive can be gained from harping over something that happened in the '70s. My mother does not accept apologies either.
Generally, if I bring up old shit, it’s because that same shit is happening AGAIN, even though the offender has sworn that he won’t do it again. So if my husband decides to throw out some books today, I’ll point out that he swore that he’d never do that again, back in 1990, in 93, 95. 98…etc. And this time, I insist that he throw out something that HE loves.
Yes, it’s score keeping. Am I supposed to let him keep doing the same objectionable behavior?
Now if he’s apologized, and he hasn’t done it again, I don’t bring it up again.
I haven’t seen the show, though, so my behavior might be something different from what you’re talking about.
I think the OP is about rehashing old arguments, like “In 1991 you called me a slutty bitch, and even though you apologized at the time and it’s now 20 years later, I’m still upset that at one point you called me a slutty bitch,” or whatever.
I was talking about both bringing up completely unrelated old shit in a current argument and also just bringing up old (bad) shit out of the blue for no reason at all. There’s no reason to “clear the air” or “just get something off my chest” about shit that’s already been resolved. What’s the point of bringing it back up at all except to restart the argument (and ultimately create a fresh one as a result).
Well, if they are just emotionally-hurtful bad people being bad and emotionally hurtful, of course they are going to use whatever they have to pick their dirty fight.
If they are honest, emotionally stable people, they may still need to work through old grievances. If something is not really resolved and really is still bothering you, it’s much better to discuss it than to let it fester. There are occasions where it makes sense to say “You know, I know this was in the past, but for some reason it is still bothering me…” and work through something together.
If they were honest, emotionally stable people they wouldn’t have said that the matter was resolved after working through it together the last time, and then, in fact, let it fester without discussion until something else arose.
That last part is particularly telling. Is the old matter being raised again independently, on its own merits? Or is it being stockpiled for future engagements?
The OP hopefully realizes that these supposed “reality” shows are only a certain % of reality. The rest is set up by producers and edited for drama. Otherwise most people would not watch even extraordinary people’s mundane lives.
My aunt is a major scorekeeper. She will still without the least provocation go on and on about how much she sacrificed (sacrifices) for everyone, and how no one appreciates it, but that’s OK, because that’s her karm in life, she must have been a terrible person in her last life, but she suffers in silence, no one hears her complain, she just carries all of the weight and that’s the way it is blah blah blah.
I had some of these habits when I came into my current relationship. It’s hard to break the habit of years right away! But I outgrew it, eventually.
My father never forgot a slight or an insult or an out and out fist fight; he not only never forgot, he never forgave and if something reminded him of such an incident he would rave about it over and over. He lived to be ninety three and kept up the same behavior almost until the day he died. I’m also inclined to carry grudges but not for long; twenty to thirty years is about my limit. I do keep them to myself, however; my father would air his grudges to strangers if the mood hit him. I know I might have done the same myself if I hadn’t had his example to prevent me.
I would say no, but it sounds like that’s an unresolved issue that needs something a little more substantial than making him promise he won’t do it anymore. Like hiding your books.
I’m not all that familiar with the example in the OP, but from my own life I can say that the “bringing up old shit” was more a matter of tying together every bad thing I did with a common thread. So if I went out with my friends and left her alone on a Saturday night, that was just like that time I fell behind on the laundry, and also just like the time I didn’t record that show like she asked me to, and also just like that time I forgot her birthday.
In her mind it made sense, because they were all about a lack of respect, or whatever theme she used to tie them all together. Individually I think they were all things she was justified in being angry about, but I finally had to sit her down and tell her that I wasn’t going to stand a chance if every time I screwed up I had to face the entire 10 year catalog of my wrongdoings. That finally snapped her out of it, I think. Plus I stopped being a jerk so much. Marriage is fun.
I do think guys are less likely to get into this bullshit, but that may simply be because guys are (generally, there are exceptions, blah blah) less likely to talk about this sort of stuff in detail anyway.
I have a huge list of personal grudges and pissoffs I’ll never forget. I just don’t say anything about them because I just don’t feel like it.
My parents do this, my (crazy and toxic) mother especially, but I also don’t think it’s a gender thing. Just a crazy and toxic thing. My father refers to it as “warming up old soup.”
How about this: Mr. Sali sometimes brings up GOOD things from the past, over and over, regarding our now grown daughter. Same little memories, stories, anecdotes. This makes me really sad because he’s mourning the past, the best years of his life, when we were a young relatively happy little family.
Oh, that show on Bravo? Exaggerated, partly scripted, heavily edited. NOBODY’S life is all excitement all the time.
I’ve seen it in men as well as women. And while it may just be confirmation bias, I have seen it more in women.
My expressed opion whether it was directed at me or I’ve been the ear vented upon has always been the same. Unless significant quantities of blood or money were involved, it’s off the books at 6 weeks and any references to the event will be ignored.
I’ve always just called this “holding a grudge,” and I have to work really hard not to do it. I do the intentional forgetting thing, too, but I have to do it early on, or it’ll get stuck.