My GF likes to watch a show that will remain unnamed because I don’t want to discuss that program but rather a particular behavior that is frequently exhibited on it. Let’s just say it’s on Bravo and there are like 6 different ones focusing on a group of women in a certain city.
The behavior I’m talking about is the constant bringing up of old shit. On an episode of this show one woman pulls another aside at a party to discuss some event that caused a lot of shit and the first woman just wanted to “get something off my chest” about it. I turned to my GF as we were watching this and said, “WHY would you do that?! The only possible purpose of doing that is to restart the argument, so why the fuck can’t they just let it go?!” Of course a massive fight ensues (on the show, not with me and my GF; she agreed with me), quickly degenerating into volleys of “What about the time you did X and Y?” and “I’ve always been there for you and you’ve never been there for me!” I also noted that their dates were nowhere *near *this argument; they actually showed the two of them standing together watching quietly and I told my GF, "You know what conversation just happened between those guys that they didn’t show?
‘You see what’s happening over there?’
‘Yup.’
‘Should we go over there and do something about it?’
‘Are you insane? No fucking way. They’ll just start yelling at us’
‘You’re right. Let’s get a drink!’"
Anyway, I’ve dated several girls in the past who did this pathologically; they seemed to be keeping a mental Rolodex of every wrong and slight done to them in their life, real or imagined (mostly imagined), and they would bring up random shit and blame it on me whenever it was convenient (often when they were losing an argument, but also often just out of nowhere).
I hope this doesn’t come off as sexist but IME this is primarily a female thing; most men only get upset about things in the present-- the past is the past and in the vast majority of cases there’s no good reason to be bringing up old shit.
What exactly is the purpose of this? Is it an inability to let bygones be bygones? Is it just a need for drama and attention? Is it a tactic stupid people use to win arguments? Is it just insanity?
I’ve had people like this in my life, both men and women (but I’ll concede that is does seem a primarily female trait). I call 'em “score-keepers”.
These types of people like to keep a mental record of “wrongs” (rarely ever the “rights”) you’ve done to them or in general, as you stated real or imaginary, and toss it at you like a lame grenade during an argument over something else. It’s to try to diminish your character and put you on the defense. It never matters if you’ve apologized for past grievances or behavior, they’re the unforgiving type and will never let you live it down.
I heard something on “Radio Lab” I think. That anger is directly related to the presence of a certain hormone. In men, the hormone peaks and recedes quickly, but in women it plateaus for a while. The theory is that women continue to feel angry, so even if the topic at hand is played out, their minds go searching for things to continue to be angry about. That’s why they keep bringing up old shit.
I know the show you are talking about and exactly what you are referring to, but that’s neither here nor there. This is definitely not just a female thing! I tend to forget (intentionally) the past if it’s possible, but when we fought or disagreed my ex-husband would bring up the tiniest detail that happened three years earlier. It was amazing to me. He’d bring up things I never knew bothered him, things he never mentioned until that fight years later. Made me nuts.
He was a major, major scorekeeper, while I tended to see scorekeeping as something that would never allow us to move forward and have a productive discussion.
One of the major signs that a person has reached maturity (IMO) is the ability to let things go. A person who is a “scorekeeper” hasn’t gotten there yet.
The big scorekeeper in our family was my grandfather, who was capable of bringing up years-old grievances. He was also an alcoholic. My mom never says “Well what about that time you…” because she hated it so much.
I guess it’s an inability to let bygones be bygones, yeah. But definitely not a women-only thing.
I’ve experienced this from both men and women, but agree with the OP that IME it’s much more common in females. I think it stems from the fact that some people are much more likely to take things personally, and tend to be more emotional (two common female stereotypes). Instead of sliding off their back, small slights or disses actually hurt them. The don’t make a big deal about it at the time because they realize it’s either small potatoes or wasn’t meant to hurt them at all. However the feeling doesn’t go away, builds up with other small slights and eventually reaches a critical mass at which point they really want to just get it off their chest. This leads to bewilderment on the part of the “insulter” when they’re confronted with an angry cavalcade of grievances, all of which they’ve either forgotten about or never meant in the first place.
I’m a bit of a scorekeeper. It’s really something I’ve tried to work on and I think I’ve done a decent job of it. It’s strange, but a lot of the past that I have trouble getting past isn’t things that were done directly to me, but things that were done to my family, particularly my mother.
The kids’ mom is exactly like this. She loves to hold over every wrong that’s ever happened to her in her life ever. It’s a victimization rationale. She’s had HR dealings with regard to “he’s boooothering meeee” type issues at every job she’s ever had.
As best I can tell, this was the psychology that led to my divorce. I didn’t ignore or forget about problems we had. I devoted huge amounts of time and energy to, I believed, sincerely addressing them. I worked at that marriage. Eventually some new problem would arise, and every past one would be recalled, just as if none of it had ever been addressed at all.
Heh. My first thought when I read the thread title was, “Yeah, why ARE you bringing up old shit, Camille/Taylor/Kyle?”
I have no idea why they keep doing it. There seems to be so little else going on in their lives that going on about who had whose back when and who called whom insecure is all they’ve got. I wish I had the luxury time and energy for that sort of thing myself…
ETA: Well, I mean, I don’t, really, but if I did, I’d hopefully spend it more productively…
My grandmother is a major scorekeeper. She is always talking about bad things done to her when she was a child, as if we could do anything about it - parental neglect, as well as her grandma liking her older sister better and making her (Grandma, not her sister) do all the chores, the way she remembers it. Also I think she has it in for me, to some extent, because I resemble her mother, who she didn’t get along with. She’s always picking fights with my mother over real or imagined slights, and every so often she’ll bring up the time in the 80s when I didn’t want to close a window because she felt a draft (I didn’t even realize that at the time, being self-absorbed as many teens are). I am trying very hard not to do this, but it’s difficult when it’s a behavior modeled since childhood.
Let me just say that after reading this much of the OP, I knew instantly what show you were talking about.
On the larger subject, I’m not so sure it is mostly a female thing. I think it’s one of the ol’ standby tactics of manipulative jerks, of which there are plenty of either sex.
My wife has a memory like an elephant. She brings up things that happened 10, 15, 20 years ago sometimes. She’s like the internet with that stuff. Nothing ever goes away.
It’s one thing to remember things. It’s quite another to keep throwing that up in someone’s face. It often means you haven’t worked through your feelings on the matter.
That being said, there are a handful of incidents from my past which I will probably never “get over” in the sense of being able to totally forgive/let go of. I don’t, however, bring it up with the offender(s).
This makes me crazy. I can at least kind of understand having a hard time letting unresolved stuff go, even if I don’t think it’s particularly healthy. But when you start bringing up shit that’s supposed to be settled, what am I meant to do about it? I’m not asking for a pass on everything I ever did wrong, but there’s gotta be a statute of limitations, ya know?
In the context of the OP though, that’s what passes for ‘continuity’ on reality shows.
Yeah, I think in this show’s case, this was an artificially-induced recaptitulation of old shit so that the finale would be sufficiently entertaining. Sadly, it worked.