"It's in the past."

The BBQ Pit
1

My in-laws are generally great folks, but every so often we’ll have a clash. Sometimes these have been so nasty as to make me never want to speak to them again, frankly, but then time passes, and everything seems normal again, and we get back to ‘normal’, and things are fine until the next time.

Last year when I was in the hospital with my pregnancy, I had such a clash with my mother in law. The nutshell version is that she believed I lied to her about something (I hadn’t - the reality is that I voiced my perspective on my hospital/going home situation, and other points of view were possible.) This, in her mind, justified her saying a great number of truly awful things about me, my parents, my husband, and all in anger…and all in front of my children (ages 5, 3 and 3).

Well, I was horribly upset. Terribly so. I had a lot of things I wanted to say back to her, but I wouldn’t say them in front of the kids even if she would, so they didn’t get said. Well, you know, I asked for an apology. I felt it was out of line for her to make comments about my parents, and about my children’s father in front of them. And I got the answer I have always gotten: it’s in the past, it’s over, we won’t speak of it.

Now, to me, this is a hell of a cop-out. It’s a very good way to avoid ever having to take responsibility for the things you say or do. It’s tantamount to pretending things never happened, shoving the anger under the surface to fester, and poisoning the relationship. Me, I want to get these things out, talk calmly like rational adults, and clear the air. But I’m not allowed. Over and over it’s been the same thing “It’s in the past.”

The time in question, my husband actually got involved, and talked to his father about the mess, and his father wanted to know why I kept trying to bring it up. Because you know, since I lied, I was the one who had done the offending and I ought to apologise. So, well, I tried. I apologised for the miscommunication, I certainly hadn’t intended to offend her (I didn’t know at the time I was considered a liar, which is probably just as well.) My husband tried to explain that for me, it wasn’t “in the past”, it was still present, today, unresolved and still a source of anger. His dad asked him if I had some sort of control issue? (Yeah, control issue, I’d been lying on my back in a hospital bed for nearly 2 months by that point, worried every day I’d lose my baby or have her so prematurely that she’d be sick and have to fight for her life.)

The upshot is that no, I never got an apology for the things said about my parents (which were inaccurate and uncalled for) or about my husband in front of his children, because she would not apologise, because she had done nothing wrong. And it’s all in the past. Bury it. It’s over.

It’s not over for me (as you can tell) because…it will happen again. And again. It always happens again. Maybe it will be a year or two before the cycle repeats, but it will repeat, and once again I will be refused any opportunity to discuss things. They happen, they’re over, move on.

So what I’m hoping for is an insight into this mindset. Where does this mindset come from, and how do these folks think, that they can unilaterally declare a subject closed no matter what harm has been done, or what things said that cannot be unsaid? I’d give a lot to understand what’s going on. One of these times, I’m afraid, I’m going to reach a point where there is no mending, and I’d rather not for my husband’s sake. And for the sake of my in-laws when we are on good terms, which is most of the time, and my children, who love their grandparents.

2

The subject is only closed so long as neither of you ever bring it up. If you keep asking for the apology, the subject is not closed, no matter what the MIL says. However, harping on this may not be the best tack for familial bliss and co-exsistance, and may lead to some huge fights and may eventually affect your relationship with your husband. I’m in no position to give advice on any of that. I’m just saying that it takes two to sublimate an argument.

And FTR, I agree completely that you deserve an apology from the MIL, for the venue and context in which she decided to attack you, if nothing else. Even if you were a liar of Presidential proportions, you don’t get into something like that when the other person is A) in a hospital bed and B) in the prescense of their young and impressionable children.

3

Oh, man, this is one of my pet peeves! There certainly are times to just let things go, but sometimes things just have to get resolved instead of just sweeping it under the carpet. It’s only happened to me in work situations, where we had difficulty with a project (we dealt with external clients), I typically wanted to go back and review what went wrong and what we can do in the future, and my boss would say something like “It’s in the past, forget it!” My attempt to argue with that stance is that if we haven’t learned anything from it or made modifications to correct it, then it’s not in the past because, as you said, It Will Happen Again…

It’s a simple way to shut down, not deal with your own faults, and not have further conflict about the matter. In your case, it also allows her to believe she’s right and not have to confront the possibility that she falsely accused you (which might make her feel guilt). Growth comes from conflict much of the time.

I wish I could tell you what to do in your situation, unfortunately, you can’t quit in-laws!

Best of luck to you!

4

~growls~

I know exactly what you mean.

I don’t grok that mindset even a little bit.

I think it’s equal parts being a rank coward and being intellectually dishonest with yourself.

If you do something horrible, and then get to say “ah well, it’s in the past, let’s just drop it.”

Then you don’t have to realize that yes, you were at fault, and yes, your thoughts/behaviors/demeanor were wrong, and yes, you do have to go through some introspection to find out how to behave properly.

Most people just want to sweep it under the rug.

5

It’s bullshit.

Now, it’s perfectly appropriate to say, “It’s in the past” when the thing happened 10 years ago and an apology (or some sort of resolution) has already happened. I mean, it’s not okay to keep dredging something up forever and ever. But that’s not the case here.

I think this is the purest form of gutlessness. Another version of it is to always be ready to dish out bullshit to others, but when it’s your turn to listen to it, or to have some bullshit dished to you, then that’s suddenly not okay. It’s all a one-way street, in other words.

This has happened to me more than a frew times. The other person is apparently tragic victim and I’ve done this and that wrong thing to her, but my gosh, never, NEVER has she ever done anything wrong to me! Which is bullshit. I can be wrong, I can be a bitch, but I also get bullshit, and by gum, I’m going to speak up when it happens. I certainly am expected to hear an earful when I’ve done something wrong, but suddenly I’m a villian when I feel justifiably wronged and I protest? Bullshit.

ahem Sorry, got carried away there. Coming back to the OP, I’ll repeat: it’s bullshit.

6

No no. Not ten years ago. Actually, I can’t remember ever getting an apology for a genuine offense. Certainly for small inconveniences - showing up late, for instance, or not being able to do such-and-such-a-thing as promised. But for things said in anger, or things said of a personal nature…no.

And at the time the aforementioned instance happened, I wanted to discuss it within a few days, and was told it was ‘in the past, let’s never speak of it again’. No resolution, nothing. Just…don’t talk about it, don’t bring it up. They wouldn’t talk about it no matter how often I wanted to. It’s simply over. At the time, I repeated the phrase ‘pretend it never happened’ a few too many times and irritated my husband, who sees it different (but he can’t explain to me how else to see it). But that is how it seems to me. If I can’t resolve it, can’t discuss it, can’t get an apology, can’t even ASK for an apology, then I must pretend as though it never happened. And I’m even being told that’s not right.

I am very confused.

And yet, you know, 99.9% of the time, these folks and I get along great, and I like them. It’s only the conflicts that are hard. When they’re hard, they’re devastating, and there is never, never a resolution I consider satisfying. There is only moving on as though everything is fine. And eventually it is, you know? Until the next time.

I really need to know a better tactic for dealing with this.

7

And that is gutless behavior, as far as I am concerned. Some serious problems there.

I don’t know what the best solution is, but the first thing that springs to my mind is that the next time these people are horrible and mean to you, say, right then and there, that you know what will happen next. That you’ll be expected to suck it up and never mention what they said, ever again, and pretend that it never happened. Say that you are tired of being treated that way and it’s getting tedious and predictable.

And then perhaps you could say something like, “I could say some very critical things about you and your family, but I don’t want to do that. But I suppose I could, and then use the same tactic you are fond of using—tomorrow, I can forget I ever said it, forget that it ever hurt you, forget that it ever offended you, and pretend that nothing ever happened. And then I can expect—no, demand that you go along with this. I can expect that you, also, will have to pretend that I never said the hateful, hurtful things that I said, and that it never hurt you, that it never was unfair or wrong of me to do that. You’ll never be allowed to discuss it again, because if you even try, I’ll cut you off and say, “It’s in the past.” How would you like that? Would you like being treated like that?”

I have NO idea if this would be useful at any time, but it’s just something that came to mind.

8

I disagree with those who say that she avoids the issue so she can keep believing she’s right and you’re wrong. I know that when I get like that sometimes, it’s because I know I’m wrong, but I’m too embarrassed and too proud to admit it. Obviously I don’t know your MIL, so I don’t know if that’s the case at all, but that’s my perspective at least.

9

Ugh, I agree. I despise having a big “owie” lilke this lie between me and a friend or family member. It’s like a dead elephant in the room everyone is trying to pretend isn’t there, but it STINKS. And I agree with whoever said it was a cowardly copout.

Even if you truly believe you didn’t do anything wrong, after a blowout like that, the LEAST you can do is clear the air and find out what caused the misunderstanding.

Otherwise, it never gets fixed, and the same thing that caused the last understanding will come back up and create more. (sounds like what COULD be happening with you and your in-laws anyway).

Unfortunately, all you can do, if the other party clams up and refuses to discuss it, it to forget about it.

However, ONE Thing you can do, is to write down your side, and send them a letter, that way, you can at least get your feelings and thoughts to them. They may never answer you, but at least you will have gotten to have your say.

10

That’s when it’s in the past. You have every right to be angry. IMO you have every right to show them how it feels. Not in a malicious way, but one in which the point is made none the less. Next time you do something that upsets them, just dismiss it as being in the past. Of course they’ll say “It just happened” to which you can reply “Well do you still feel bad about it?” The reply would be “Yes” to which you could say “Well, I guess it’s still unresolved then. Should we wait for a few days to pass so it can be in the past?”

This sort of tactic is admittedly childish, but I’ve found situations where it actually works. It lets the other person see the perspective of the person they’re bugging. That sort of thing may not be appropriate for your situation (it probably isn’t) but you might be able to modify it to suit your needs. Since talking like rational adults is out, you have to treat 'em like kids. Then again, there’s always years and years of ignoring the probleem, which your MIL seems to like doing.

11

Chotii, if I remember correctly, didn’t you write a Pit thread about what happened when you were in the hospital? (I seem to recall something like that)

12

I guess we all have our probleems…:rolleyes: I guess I only use preview to check my VB coding, I suck.

13

I think you’re husband has some obligation here too. I know he tried to talk to them but it sounds like he gave up without really imposing any sanctions.

If my mother had spoken to my wife that way, in those circumstances, in front of my child (which my mom would never do, but I’m just saying…), I would have pulled her aside then and there and told her she had two choices- apologize immediately and completely with no qualification. or say goodbye to any more relationship with me or her grandchild until she was ready to treat my wife with respect. I wouldn’t give a fuck about keeping any peace.

Your mother-in-law sounds like a real piece of work, and it sounds like she gets away with this shit because you guys always back down and let her get away with it. You should talk to your husband about really giving this bitch the 411 on what will or will not be tolerated and what will happen is she doesn’t toe the line. There is no reason to allow this kind of shit into your life and the lives of your children. If your husband isn’t willing to stand up for you like a man- and I mean really stand up, not just offer token resistance but take it to the wall- then that’s part of your problem right there.

14

Well, I did. And since then, things have been…back to normal. We go to their house for barbecues, the girls have had a couple of sleepovers, and we’ve gotten along great. But it’s more or less time for the cycle to happen again (it will happen again), and I’m still at as much of a loss how to address it the next time, as I was the last. I don’t know how to talk to people who apparently do not use, as a strategy of communication, a quiet sit-down where viewpoints are exchanged, motivations are discussed, apologies are made if necessary, and things are resolved to everyone’s satisfaction.

Now, you have to understand, my parents don’t do this either. But if I wanted to discuss something - if I got up the courage to do so - they wouldn’t tell me it was over, off-limits, done. It’s just I don’t usually get up the courage. :confused: But then I don’t have the same kinds of clashes with them, being as they are my parents.

I keep thinking there must be a way of seeing this strategy from the perspective of the people who employ it. I mean, nobody sits around thinking, how can I keep problems simmering under the surface until someday they go BOOM!

Perhaps…perhaps they have personalities such that after an initial clash, they literally do just let it go, and because the initial clash was unpleasant, don’t want to revisit it? I don’t know. Maybe for them, the clash itself was the resolution? I honestly don’t know.

15

I ask this question with all honesty, and not a shred of snarkiness because it is something I have truly never understood… what good is an apology that you have to ask for? If someone is truly sorry for their words/action/behavior they will apologize. If they aren’t sorry, they won’t. The last thing I want is an insincere apology to appease me.

I agree that sometimes people don’t REALIZE that they’ve hurt you, so you might hint at your hurt feelings and that might bring about an apology, but I think insisting on getting one will get you nothing but the feeling that you MADE someone tell you they were wrong.

I agree with Diogenes the Cynic that your husband has dropped the ball in this situation. Yes, they are his parents but you are his wife and you were treated horribly.

I wish I had some great words of wisdom, but as someone with no children, my point of view is different because I would only have myself to think of. I know that I’d tell them to piss off and be done with them, but you do have children who love their grandparents. It’s a tough situation you’re in, and I wish you the best of luck.

16

I don’t really have any words of wisdom for you, either. I recently ended an 18-year relationship over very similar issues. Our history was a lot like what you describe with your inlaws: things would go swimmingly for long periods of time, followed by some dustup that would involve her calling me everything but the kitchen sink, and then it would just…sort of die down. Sometimes I’d get a half-assed apology along the lines of “yeah, I said some bad stuff, but you really pissed me off,” but a lot of the time I wouldn’t even get that. If I broached the subject, I’d be told it was in the past, and I should let it drop already. She, however, had carte blanche to dredge up past grievances in perpetuity.

The absolute last straw was her meltdown at Christmas and resulting quasi-apology this April, followed by an email essentially saying “It’s in the past.” In short, she had no interest in actually fixing any of the issues we had, or trying to prevent these blowups in the future. I decided that I didn’t give a rat’s ass if she was trying to nurture her illusion of being the injured party, or if she was just too proud to admit she was being a jerk, or what. In any case, it was a cowardly, childish copout, and I don’t want or need the alleged friendship of the cowardly and childish. Between that and not caring to ride that particular merry-go-round again, I just pulled the plug.

Of course, this isn’t really an option in your situation. About the only thing I can see to do is the next time she starts this shit, send the kids out of the room and just absolutely rip the old bitch about fifteen new assholes. She’ll either have to just let it go like she insists you do, talk about this stuff after it happens and actually resolve matters like an adult, or stop saying such horrible things to you. I hate to tell people to talk shit to their inlaws, but sometimes it’s the only way to call these people on their shit.

17

Just turn it back on her. Next time she accuses you of some imagined behavior, just say, “it’s in the past, I won’t speak of it.” Don’t give her the satisfaction of getting under your skin.

18

“It’s in the past, just forget it” is a good way to accept an apology if you are the offended party, but to try to wave away an unresolved conflict, as the offender is just shabby and weak. It may be that the MIL in question finds it hard to face up to the awful magnitude of what she said, or it may be that she still thinks she was right and just wants you to back down.

I’m in two minds as to what I’d do; part of me would want to unconditionally forgive and forget, another part of me would want to scream “It’s not over until I fucking say it’s over!”.

19

Just my 2c.

I think you might to put those two in-laws on the “humor bench” and not really try to engage with them like adults. Humor them, process what needs to be processed, avoid as much as possible.

Some people are just dysfunctional assholes. They’re not going to change, so you’ll have to change your strategy.

As an example, every 2 months or so, my mom gives me the “People don’t like you, and you don’t even know you’re doing it” speech. That’s the simple version. I love my mom, but now when she starts up I don’t let her push my buttons with that. I just say, Mom, that’s your XYZ speech, and I’m not listening.

Maybe you could do something similar. If this ol’ bitch is really cussing you out, though, I doubt if she’s sophisticated enough for “I’m OK, You’re OK.”

20

First off, I want to say, Diogenes, you brought up some excellent points. Bravo.

Oh boy, deja vu.

The one friend that I’m thinking of isn’t always that bad, (in a lot of ways she’s a nice person) but I got sick of her manipulative bullshit.

This friend is always in “victim” mode. If she does something selfish or inconsiderate to you, and you call her on it, you are being “mean” to her and therefore she is a victim. If you try to cut through her whiny bullshit and tell her to stop whining and do something, you are being “mean” to her and therefore she is a victim. It’s always about her being a victim—her suffering and tolerating it and trying to keep a stiff upper lip while reminding you and everyone else how long-suffering and tragic she is. And no matter what, you are always the one that is wrong.

I tolerated this for a long while, because she didn’t do it all the time. And to be honest, I can be a clueless boor so there were definitely times when I tread on her toes and I owed her an apology. But it got so that every time there was a disagreement or some whiff of offense, it was assumed that it had to be my fault. She could pull some shit on me and that was okay, but if I pulled exactly the same thing on her? She was a victim and I was being horrible again.

This wore on over the years and I started seeing a trend. The thing that opened my eyes once and for all is when she did something inconsiderate to a friend of mine, some sweet fellow that she’d barely met. I could tolerate her pulling some of her stunts on me, (I’ve known her for years), but this poor hapless guy didn’t deserve her shit. When I called her on it (didn’t go ballistic, but I was pissed) she took no responsibility and even whined to all our mutual friends that I’d been horrible to her and I owed her an apology. It took me a while, but I finally figured her bullshit out. From then on, things haven’t been the same because I’m not buying her crap. I wish her the best, but I don’t need that bullshit—nobody does.

This may be what is required. (And I love how you express yourself, CCL. ;)) Confronting the witch and not backing down, not falling for her passive-aggressive bullshit, may put an end to this never-ending pattern.