I THINK my kidless status was not a consious decision. However, since college, I’ve seemed to surround myself with other women who are also kidless. Peculiar, eh? I have a theory that many young women get pregnant when their peers do because that’s “the thing to do”.
When my first marriage when sour, it was a major blessing to not have children.
When I met Mr. Ruby, it was also a blessing to not have kids. Then the procreation gene kicked in and we started the infertility rituals. When that didn’t pan out, we decided to give it up.
Now I am VERY grateful that we don’t have children. We’re in our mid 40’s and have a life of just us time ahead of us.
zero maternal feelings. seemingly from birth. even at 2 and 3, according to my parents, i shunned young babies and kids who misbehaved.
my reasons are purely personal. i dont have any illusions that im doing my country a huge favour by not breeding, because im not.
i dont want kids because:
i like things quiet.
if i dont want to have to get up in the mornings then i shouldnt have to.
i like my food on the plate and not rubbed into the carpet.
i like money.
i love my partner and if i breed hed leave me.
posting for my sibs/step-sibs/half-sibs/fribs who aren’t on the SDMB
deceased
only child deceased, after that weighed pros/cons, decided no more
no maternal instinct, always ‘knew she’d be a terrible mom’, now married to a guy who has grandkids (enjoys being a grandma)
also on SD, but no kids (she might or might not come answer this)
also won’t answer for him (but he has one kid)
me (2 kids)
does not want to give up lifestyle for an unknown + no desire for kids
3 kids
1 kid
1 kid
3 kids
probably will never have kids, pros/cons (likes the aunt thing, too)
probably will have kids
adopted sister’s kids when they were abandonned, never wanted his own
1 kid
At least there are enough of us not having kids that collectively we’re below replacement value (especially when spouses are added in).
BTW, a childless friend of mine recently questioned whether she made the right choice. I told her two things:
That huge amazing transition that parents talk about when their first child is born? Responsibility, awe, humility, a sense of connection to the planet? Most childless people have the same transition, just more gradually and with less trauma. Often, they got there way before the parent types, and that is why they chose not to have kids.
Most people’s biological clocks shut down eventually, regardless of childbearing status. Eventually, even parents get to the point where they’d never want to deal with diapers/crying/whining/expense/etc. ever again. Have you noticed those grandparent bumper stickers that say they’d have had grandkids first if they only knew how much better it was? Well, childless people just figured that out without having to run the alternate experiment.
:eek: LindyHopper, take me, take me now! (xthread)
I agree with all his reasons, except I like to play the ‘Why?’ game when I can send the kids back to their parents to finish it.
I know I wouldn’t be a good mother; I haven’t had any close examples of that to work from in my life. Also, anytime I get the ‘baby urge’, a few hours spent with anyone under the age of 20 quickly chokes, folds, and puts that urge to quick and utter death.
I’m always relieved when it goes away again, too. That leads me to think that parenthood is just not the way to go, in my life.
At one time I thought I wanted to have a baby, but then I realized that what I really wanted was the attention that comes with it–the baby shower, etc. That’s a pretty poor reason for wanting to have a child. Since then I’ve never had the urge again, & I’m pushing 40. I just don’t like kids.
I think I’ve griped about this in other ‘why I don’t want kids’ threads, but why do people think that wanting peace and quiet is somehow selfish? I mean, sure, I’ll grant that some people that don’t want kids probably are selfish, but most of the descriptions sound like a lot of you are just introverted, or satisfied with your lives as they are.
‘Selfish’ to me implies that in wanting to do whatever, you’re willfully denying something to someone else, or sucking resources, or something like that. I’m not sure how this can apply to the decision not to have kids, unless you think of yourself as somehow denying existance to an unconcieved child. I just don’t see how spending money on cars or travelling or whatever is more selfish than spending it on your own kid (assuming it’s either/or, as opposed to if you had the kid and it was starving so you could have a nice car).
If you like quiet, don’t like pain, like to travel, enjoy partying and staying up late, don’t have a lot of patience, or whatever… then being aware of that and deciding you’re not parenting material is pretty reasonable to me.
As I read through this thread, I see many things that I myself have said over the years. What it all boils down to is that I really value my free time, my peace and quiet, my freedom to come and go more or less as I please, etc. I might give some of those up some of the time for some things, but definitely not for children. Simply put, I just don’t like them.
I’m not that fond of adults, and children seem to personify (and magnify) many of the traits I don’t care for in adults. They’re loud, they’re obnoxious, they’re inconsiderate and they’re just not that bright. Sure, they have a built-in excuse for most of that, but having an excuse still doesn’t make them pleasant to be around.
This thread is somewhat timely for me. In three days, I am getting a vasectomy. I would have done it when I was 15 if I could have. (I am 30, for the record.)
My dad wasn’t very good at it. Strike that; he was a terrible dad, and he knew it wasn’t working. I remember the pain in his eyes as we didn’t turn out to be dream children. I believe, when the chips are down, you’ll react to a crisis just like your parent of the same gender did. I could not subject a child to another generation of my father.
When nosy people ask why we never had children, I tell 'em it was because of the dry cleaner’s bag. It said, “To avoid danger of suffocation, keep away from infants and small children.” So I did. I got a vasectomy.
I’ve been a nanny all year, and now have decided to stay childfree. I don’t want to live anywhere that children rule, and they do take over wherever they go. If i end up changing my mind, i’ll adopt rather than procreate; i’d rather help solve the population problem than contribute to it.
Then there’s the issue of giving kids a screwed-up environment as a legacy.
There’s an amazing book on the maternal ‘instinct’ called Mother Nature, written by anthropologist Sarah Blaffer Hrdy. I highly recommend it to anyone curious about mothers throughout the world, throughout the ages, and throughout the animal kingdom. A VERY engaging/entertaining book, even though it’s really long.
I hate babies. Sometimes they’re cute, but usually they’re just filthy and irritating. When I’m sitting near a crying baby on an airplane or in a theater, I want to hop over the seat and smack it. I think that means I wouldn’t make a good father.
My girlfriend says, “When you say ‘I fucking hate kids’, it makes me feel like you don’t want to have kids with me.” Gee, you think?
I know this thread is for non-parents, so I hope my posting here is not totally inappropriate! I would just like to say that I’m grateful that people who have children are never (or almost never) confronted for that decision by non-parents the way that non-parents are confronted by people who chose to have children! I have three, and I love them, but I don’t believe that my choice to parent is right for anybody, any more than I believe that my decision to live in the country, eat meat, or follow my chosen religion is right for everybody! If I had chosen to remain childless, it would really piss me off to be confronted about that! I don’t have a problem with people who don’t want kids. I have much more of a problem with people who don’t want them but have them anyway!
Having said that, let me disagree with AskNott, who basically said that we are doomed to parent like our parents did. My mother was a lousy mother (I’m still in therapy), but I believe that we can choose to change that pattern, with a strong will and lots of hard work!
I am really amazed that no “breeders” have crashed this thread yet to tell us all how wrong and selfish we are and how differently we’d feel if we did have children, how great it is to be a parent, etc. IIRC the last few similar threads were crashed several times and then the nasty points and counter points broke out.
Like many, I had a particularly lousy childhood. My parents were particularly unfit for the task and at times downright evil. More than once I have heard very compelling stories about how my parents had set up little traps and situations for their kids such that if we fell for them we would most likely die but it would look like an accident. Nowadays, if people found out about such things they’d call DCFS.
Beyond that there’s plenty o’ mental illness, alcoholism and abuse in my family and what kind of legacy is that to give to someone? Course, there’s a lot of good stuff, too, but who can say which will dominate.
I have prayed to God about this very important decision for years and despite being married for the past five plus years to a wonderful woman with strong maternal instincts, have never have felt lead in the direction of having children. I trust God unequivocally.
Beyond that, I spent so many years as a high school and college student and single yuppie trying my darndest NOT to impregnate any women, it seems the switch is stuck. The thought of unprotected sex with a women during her fertile time seems like suicide to me, just the stupidest thing anyone could do.
I remember Bill Cosby’s book, “Fatherhood” and he begins with how only an insane person would have a child. I imagine most of the “breeders” reading the book thought, “Oh, that Bill Cosby. He’s such a card!” My reaction was different. This guy is right.
Lorenzo, not for nuthin’ but the term ‘breeders’ is not very respectful.
You can check with the OP Goo wrt my respect for those people who choose not to be parents.
She and I have discussed this issue at length. You can be a staunch Childless-by-Choice person and very well respected if you do not sink to the level of using negative phrases (like Breeders) to refer to those who have children.
Not all people with children are ignorant twits who run laughing through the fields harrassing those of you who have made the choice not to have children.
In summary, this post has nothing to do with being childless-by-choice or child-free or whatever. It’s about respect.
The same respect that prevented people (not myself) from coming in here and telling you to have children when you clearly don’t want them should be reciprocated to those of us who do have children and don’t appreciate being called ‘breeders.’
Echoing norinew, you have all the respect I can give you wrt to choosing not to have children.
Of course, as is the case with nearly everything in my life, it turned out to be more complicated than it was expected to be. Not everything went well.
To make a long story short (no pun intended, I assure you), my 48-hour recovery period is now up to two-to-four weeks and I’m on a couple painkillers. Everything should be fine once my body adjusts, though.
Having kids is a big responsibility. I am not sure I am up to it. Call it a feeling I lack the maturity. Saying that I think I would make a poor parent. I feel there are enough poor parents in the world. Why do I think I would make a poor parent? Because I could not put my child as my most important thing in life. I would resent the loss of freedom, and no double inwardly blame it on my child. That would cause many problems.
There are enough people in the world, enough certainly that this person here can afford to not reproduce. I have piss poor genetics anyhow. (of course that has never stopped anybody else)
I had no experiences with happy families as a kid. Not mine, not my neighbors.
I’m selfish, AND I’m terrified of being a parent. I think I would be a great parent at first, until my resentment would build into rage over not having any time of my own, not achieving my dreams, etc. I fear that I would end up hating my child, or acting in a hurtful manner. My father blamed us for some thing in his life. I think.
My failures and prides are my own, now. I prefer it that way.
Other reasons:
*I don’t like being around whiney children.
*I can’t stand being around my parents now. I would hate that if my kids did that to me when they hit their twenties.
*I don’t have the patience for kids.
*I have to deal with everyone else’s kids every day at work, don’t wanna have to come home and do it for free.
*Health concerns
(xthread)