You might be surprised. I’m not saying to go out and grab the first shrink you see, but a book about different character styles might be helpful to you. Not just in helping to understand yourself, but also in understanding why other people do the things they do. Like, we all possess personality traits that, when taken to the extreme, would classify as a disorder. They are not disabling or anything, but they can still tick people off. Knowing this helps me be more tolerant of people’s suckiness, because I realize that–like people with PDs–they can’t really help being who they are and you just have to take the good with the bad (although, for me, I don’t let myself get invested enough to deal with the bad. Which means any “friends” I have are purely superficial. But I’m fine with this.)
If it’s just an abstract feeling, then why post this thread? Why inquire why it’s so hard to find people to “hang out with”? It’s perfectly fine to admit that you’d like to have true friends. As long as you have the desire, you can find someone. That means there’s hope for you yet.
It doesn’t seem like you’re really searching, that’s why. I’m being real, now. It seems like you’re basing your futility on finding people who you jibe with on your high school experiences. People do change after high school. They change once they leave the teen years (which you’re barely out of). They change as they head towards their 30s. They usually become more attractive, believe it or not, and become better people. You work at home, correct? That probably means you don’t interact very often with people. Could it be that you just haven’t been exposed to enough people–and people of different backgrounds–to really get an accurate assessment of the full social landscape picture?
I just want to point out that it’s possible to let the OP know he has a problem without insulting him. Since Todderbob has been nothing but respectful to you while you’ve criticized him, I would give it a try.
FWIW, I really liked BigT’s post.
I agree. It isn’t the whole answer to a possibly complex problem, but its a damn good start.
I think part of the OP’s problem is boring people. Go join hiking clubs, ski clubs, astronomy clubs, boating clubs, rock climbing clubs, whitewater clubs, rock collecting clubs, white water clubs, car enthusiast clubs, sailing clubs, flying clubs…and so on and so on. Any activity/interest club that might possibly tickle your fancy. In this internet age there is no excuse to not be able to search out these groups in your area.
There is a strong correlation IMO between people that are interesting and people that have the drive to actually go out and DO interesting things. And, on the flip side, IME the most boring people are the ones that don’t (though there are obvious exceptions).
And, IME, most activity clubs are filled with older people, who are generally smarter, wiser, more experienced, and are just plain more pleasant to be around socially because after all these years they have learned to do so.
I wasn’t using moron clinically, I was using it colloquially – to mean someone who doesn’t possess their fair share of intelligence or common sense. Great person, fantastic to chat with. Tendency to cross without looking both ways.
Not a judgement at all.
I don’t think you really understand the point of this thread.
I want to find friends, but the people I have found this far aren’t suitable, hence the thread. Your statement is borderline threadshitting, in that you’re stating that I shouldn’t be complaining because I’ve found candidates, even if they’re not suitable.
If this is a gay joke, it’s not a very good one.
Nope, they’re pretty easily defined, and applied.
No, according to an old expression, the average is half a penis, one breast and one testicle. I used the expression in order to bring levity into a discussion which you seem hellbent on ending in the pit.
Perhaps it’s you who should find better friends, then.
Really? Most of what people have suggested has been followed up with more questions, or things that would make it difficult to apply to my life, and then questions about how to apply it in spite of that.
It’s pretty much only you, who’s failed to add anything of value to this thread beyond petty bitching, who’s been “pedantically countered,” and that’s only because your suggestions are shit.
That’s a lot of judgement to make from one thread. And other than the lazy part (and maybe a wee bit on the arrogant part) generally incorrect.
I don’t know about the likable bit, in fairness – I can only observe that people tend to like me, from my best guess.
You’re being a dick – which really isn’t a problem, but you should know – despite the fact that I’ve been nothing but polite to you. I get the feeling maybe someone has recently reject you as a friend, and you’re trying to take it out on me – I understand, that’s fine. It sucks that you got rejected, but you should look somewhere else to place your anger. If it really makes you feel better taking it out on me, though, go for it. At this point I’m paying very little attention to you. (If you really want to roast me, feel free to start a pit thread so you don’t get an infraction – just link me to it, I’d like to see what you come up with.)
That makes sense, I suppose.
I’ll admit this is true.
That didn’t occur to me. While I can see how I’ve been adversarial with some people – Bigfish, 6impossiblethings, maybe others – those who have responded in a manner that was consistent with the information I’ve provided haven’t been responded to adversarially at all. 6Impossiblethings seems quite adamant that I don’t have friends because I’m unlikable, despite evidence to the contrary (the evidence being my word, which is all the evidence you’ll likely get in this thread), and he’s let that obvious bias show through in his posts since the beginning. As have a few other posters.
Despite that, however, I’ve been polite – if firm – in correcting their misconceptions about me.
I hadn’t thought of it that way. I’m not sure, but I’m generally not adversarial unless someone instigates with me. I don’t take careful notice, but that’s my general perception.
However, I don’t see why people like me at all. I’m generally brisk and acerbic, and generally brutally honest with limited consideration for others feelings (a habit I developed in high school, in order to avoid being bothered). It hasn’t changed the fact that, even when I’m being a jackass (as mentioned in the 2nd post) people seem to like me well enough – or at least overlook it. And when I’m not a jerk, I do better.
It seems like it’s very helpful, BigT, thank you. I appreciate the advice.
It’s an abstract feeling, and the thread wasn’t meant to be all that serious – it grew something into a life of its own with my responses.
However, it makes a sort of poetic sense, in that way, doesn’t it?
You’re correct, I do work from home, and most of my experience was in High School and the few jobs I had that weren’t working from home, after high school before I started selling Advertising.
Where would you recommend looking for some of these clubs? Local Community Center? I live in a relatively Suburban Sprawl type area, so there’s no “urban center” within reasonable distance (I think?).
Astronomy is something I’d be very into, I’m a huge astronomy nerd (If I’m being honest, part of the reason I got an HTPC is so I could use Hubble Pics as a screen saver on my TV… heh).
It is. So accept that you’re an unusual sort of person. I honestly feel the same way you do, but it’s just who I am, and I’ve accepted that. I don’t want to like more people.
If you have a desire to enjoy the company of more people, you’re the one who has to change and make the effort. Meeting more people is the first step. The more you interact with, the higher the chances will be of finding one person you want to be friends with.
Place to try:
local Community Centers, for sure
The “local notices” section of your local or regional newspaper - often clubs announce their meetings in this way.
Parks & Rec for your county (probably has a a website)
Google “your town name” + “[interest]”. You’d be surprised - I used to live in a town of 9,000 and there was a running club, a hiking club, a knitters group, a general craft group, a road rally drivers club, and probably a few other things.
I’m agnostic (which I wasn’t when I was back in my 20s), but I sometimes go to a Quaker meetinghouse. It’s been almost a year since I’ve become an attender; my first meeting was definitely enlightening and has, in addition to other things, helped me reach out more rather than keeping to myself all the time.
Non-programmed Quaker meetings are totally not churches in the traditional sense. There’s no preacher or choir–just a bunch of people who sit in silence for an hour. Not even a plate is passed around. People sit and wait for messages to move within them, and then they stand and share whatever it is. The message might be as simple as “You know, I’ve never noticed how beautiful the light is when it streams in through these windows.” Or it might be something more emotional and profound. I’m a laidback type of person–definitely more of a listener than a talker (and I’m definitely not new-agey or spiritual…as I said, I’m completely agnostic). But for some reason–perhaps because of the things going on in my life–I have been compelled to speak on a few occassions. People have told me that my messages are so touching and inspirational, but still I’d much rather listen to the testimonies of other people. Unfortunately, they tend to be sparse on any given Sunday. So oftentimes, you just sit there in silence. It’s a hard thing to do.
So I had stopped going for awhile this summer because the sitting in silence thing was becoming really hard for me to do, with my tics and everything. I didn’t think anyone would notice or care, so I didn’t feel bad. But last week I came back and yet again I was compelled to speak. All sorts of people came up to me after service and embraced me (physically and metaphorically), telling me how much I’d touched them, how special my words had been. They shared their own stories with me. One guy said that I had the gift of honesty, which I’d never really thought I had before. One lady in particular took my hand and spoke to me for a good while, speaking so kindly to me that I made her a gift over the week and left it on her doorstep. I’m not really that generous a person typically, nor do I let emotions run the decisions in my life, but she had been so nice to me. It’s like she’d turned on the human switch in me and I wanted her to see it.
I left her the gift on Thursday morning. On Thursday evening, after returning home from work, I found a letter in my mail slot from her and her husband, post marked earlier that week, thanking me for my presence at the Quaker meeting and hoping that I will keep coming. Apparently, I had moved her enough for her to write me a letter. And she had moved me enough to make her a gift. Mutual reaching out, without the other knowing it was happening. A year ago, nothing like this would have happened to me because back then my entire world consisted of my apartment, the 3.5 mile-route that I walk back and forth from work everyday, and of course the office. My world is still small, don’t get me wrong, but now it extends to the Quaker meetinghouse just up the street. I know people’s names and they know mine, and they purposefully try to sit next to me when we have monthly potluck. And I actually like it!
I don’t need this woman to be my friend. Indeed, I probably will not even let her be my friend. But what has happened between us is how friendship is born. You have to give up whatever block is holding you back, and then people will reach out to you in a way that is not annoying or creepy. That person may be considerably older than you, or different in other ways. You just have to leave yourself open for it. And be accepting. That’s what I have learned, anyways.
I’m saying all this to you because I want you to take advantage of your young adulthood and all the promise that it holds. I wish someone had done that for me when I was 20.
For all those who found the last paragraph of my penultimate post insulting, including you, **Todderbob **- I apologise, though cannot see it as any different to the OP stating that he is “more intelligent than his peers” that “everyone is shit” “immature” or “obnoxious” and that his one-time friend is considered by him as a “borderline moron.”
By the way, there was no “gay joke” in that thread either. It was in reference to the brain teaser comment by Todderbob. I was inferring that a brain teaser generally requires no company, and that dick teasing often (though not always) does.
For the record Todderbob I have not recently been rejected as you surmise - and this did make me laugh - not at you, but because in RL this is really funny for reasons that don’t need to be explained here.
I think BigT and monstro have been very helpful, with much more patience than I obviously have expressed; I’m sometimes brisk and acerbic, generally brutally honest, and depending on what level I personally consider the ‘severity’ of a problem or issue - limited consideration for the feelings of others. Akin to what you have admitted to,Todderbob - the difference being that whereas you say that you don’t know why people like you (because of these things) I have no question as to why people like me because the sum of me is equal to more than just these parts. I’m not trying to be a jerk here - just pointing out that if you, as you claim, have no problem with people liking you, then it may be for much the same type of reason.
Maybe we’ve clashed a bit here (e.g my observation that you “pedantically counter” was not taken in the same way BigT suggested you were “adversarial” - same thing, to me) because, Todderbob, we seemingly have some (scarily!) similar aspects Something I had not noticed until comments were made in relation to the abovementioned thread.
A big difference between you and me though is that I really am having difficulty understanding what’s so hard about finding people you like because really, I pretty much like everyone for whatever reason - which may be completely different to why I like someone else.
So Todderbob, though I often like playing devil’s advocate, and I don’t mind offending people sometimes, I reallly didn’t intend to offend you as such - just maybe shake the shit out of you.
To get back to the point of your thread, and as most of the negative stuff you see in yourself has been laid out, kicked around, picked up, dusted over, scratched, bruised and still standing, what do you see that you do offer to a friendship? What are the things that you actually like about yourself?
First of all, let me just say, no one cares if someone thinks your behavior might seem to be that of someone (hypothetically) with latent homosexual tendencies. It doesn’t taint you, or make you gay for them to say this. It might even make you seem more interesting.
Second, you are twenty years old, yet you act like you know everything about the world and the people in it. You are young, and there are so many people out there. I agree with everyone who suggests you make friends around common interests. You seem to be arguing with every response people give you to your post. So what are you looking for with this thread?
Third, you say that your self-esteem is fine. Speaking for myself, I also have a very hard time liking people, and I have few friends (sometimes I say I have no friends), so I can certainly relate. For me, the problem very definitely is related to my feelings about myself and feelings of worthlessness. Just speaking for myself, maybe when I was 20 I wouldn’t have recognized this or admitted it. I still dislike people when they disagree with me, so I have to realize that there are other things about friendship than agreeing on everything all the time.
Fourth, the other thing you could do, is try to find something interesting about everyone you meet. Or some way in which they are smart, or have a quality you admire (pick one; it depends on your values). Then when you talk to them, you can try to find it. I bet everyone has something. It may not make you their friend, but hopefully it will make you appreciate them more.
I appreciate that, but the gay thing was (at least on my end) a joke.
I didn’t really see it as arguing – I certainly responded positively to those who offered constructive criticisms, and I thought my responses were measuredly negative to those who simply insulted or threadshat.
I don’t actually dislike when people disagree with me, but that reminds me of a follow up to an early post, which I answered ambiguously, so I’ll expand at the end of this one.
As for self esteem, I’ll take your statements into consideration. I genuinely don’t believe I have a self esteem problem, in that I don’t have negative self esteem or positive self esteem generally. I am, and therefore it is. I’m alright with me being me, and that’s always seemed like enough. Although I’m sure that makes very little sense.
This is advice I’ll attempt to follow.
Identify an individuals strong suit, and reenforce the identification of that over their weaknesses. It seems like it wont always – or even frequently – work, but I’ll give it a shoot.
The difference being that mine were objective observations or broad generalizations, where yours were actually personal judgements and insults. However, don’t worry about it – you don’t need to apologize to me (except maybe for spelling apologize like that). You’re fine.
Don’t worry about it. I prefer honesty, although I do tend to couch mine in construction, rather than petty, ineffectual, insults.
Interesting, although that still doesn’t explain it, frankly.
Whether it was pedantic, or adversarial, I still stand by my statement that I took constructive criticism to heart, while ignoring or offering statements to the contrary as why certain things wouldn’t work or weren’t applicable.
Standards, obviously. I have them, and you don’t.
Don’t worry, you were a long way from offending me.
Honestly, what do I offer a friendship? Fuck if I know, I’ve been in a scarce hand full of them, and I’m still fucking clueless as to why the other person hung out with me.
Objectively, I’m intelligent, reliable and honest, also being willing to help those who I have considered friends (beyond what’s considered normal – I was host to the previously mentioned friend, of limited common sense, for weeks at a time in high school when he was having troubles at homes, without asking questions).
I’ve got other good qualities than that, I’m sure, but how or why someone would stick around me long enough to figure them out, or to grow on me (like fucking fungus) enough to show them, is beyond me.
I responded in a trite way to you original, overlyverbose, and it wasn’t intentional, for that I apologize. I dismissed your question without giving it consideration because it seemed… vague, and still does to some extent. But reading this thread has given me some clarity on this topic.
I want someone who I can argue with, not just talk to. Someone who’s okay with insulting me when it’s necessary, or okay with my honest opinion on something. Conversely, I’m also looking for someone who’s willing to compliment me when due, or take a compliment when it’s due without an argument about it. Someone intelligent enough to hold a conversation, but clever enough to know when to shut the fuck up. At least, that’s what I’m looking for in a romantic relationship (hey, a great ass wont hurt, either – lets be honest, what guy doesn’t just love a great ass?). And yes, insulting me – genuinely taking my faults and showing them in a harsh enough way to get my attention – is almost a requirement.
For a friendly one, it depends on the friend. Some aspect of the relationship above is probably needed, with a liberal dosing of knowing when to shut the fuck up and some common interests.
This all sounds much more harsh when I put it into text than it did in my head. I’m not really sure how to explain it without watering it down entirely. I’ve never been overly fond of touchy feely emotional… stuff, but it’s not a dealbreaker if it’s in moderation. However, I absolutely can’t stand clingy, or needy. And sometimes, I don’t even want to be civil, I want to walk into the room, tell you how fucking retarded you look wearing that scarf, and walk away without having to apologize for it. And then I expect when I walk in wearing a Fez and Aviator glasses, for you to do the same for me, without beating around the bush or taking 45 minutes to get to the point.
Your ‘objective observations’ are presented more like a statement of fact; mine, as I stated in the post was merely an opinion, and when I offer an apology for it, you dismiss it (‘no need to apologise’ when you’d already considered it 'insulting’) and then tell me how I should spell. Thanks.
This is really passive aggressive. If you really didn’t intend it to be, it would have ended at ‘construction’.
I think the only honesty you prefer, is your own really.
This, is just insulting. And hypocritical - given your previous ‘observations vs personal’ reasoning.
It also indicates that your don’t-worry-about-it, no-need-to-apologise, and you-are-far-from-offending-me are not true; or possibly, a pattern of harbouring resentment.
Subtext: You are so beneath me, it is not possible for you to offend me but in retaliation, I will offend you. Your comment also flies in the face of your previous suggestion to me that my comments were pit worthy.
I can’t answer that at all because quite frankly, Todderbob I’m having a bit of trouble myself.
I would consider this ‘subjective’ rather than ‘objective.’
Yeah well, I tried Todderbob, really I did. But if all you want to grow on you is a ‘fucking fungus’ then you’re probably right on track.
Actually, I wasn’t attempting to offend you at all – the “standards” statement was a joke.
The rest of it, well, man up. If you can dish it out, you can take it. I don’t harbor resentment to you at all, 6ImpossibleThings. In fact, in the spirit of this thread, I was giving you a chance to not be annoying and grating on my nerves. You were insulting, which like I said earlier isn’t a problem, and while it wasn’t perfect, it was alright. You seem intelligent, which is a plus, and you obviously share some interests. Perhaps you should re-read my previous post (/edit/for clarities sake – I was giving you a go at friendship/edit/).
So far, you’re not proving yourself well.
Maybe I’m just cooler in real life?
No, that’s objective. I am actually am of above average intelligence (by a safe margin). I’m also reliable (and punctual) to almost mechanical precision, and quite simply – Honesty isn’t a subjective matter, either one lies, or they do not. And I simply don’t.
What did you try? And the “fucking fungus” thing was meant to be taken lightly, as in, “slowly and steadily.”
Get a part time job at a decent restaurant, not to nice so it’s fun, and definitely not fast food. You will meet a lot of people in your age group, within a month you’ll be sleeping with a waitress, and a few nights a week you’ll go out drinking after work. Within two month you will have friends, not good friends, but someone to watch the superbowl with.
As for really good friends that takes luck and time. The last good friend I made was in the last few years. We were friends like above, then he started to build a house. I wasn’t doing much at the time so I helped him out, the hours we put into together drywalling, painting, putting in tile made for a great friendship. The house has been done for a year but the friendship will always be there.
Okay, Todderbob - I’m not going through the multi-quote thing because it’s tedious - both to do, and to read - and it seems you and I are all that’s left of this threadbare thread. So think of this as a PM; only it’s not private, and there’s probably not much of a message in it.
“And sometimes, I don’t even want to be civil, I want to walk into the room, tell you how fucking retarded you look wearing that scarf, and walk away without having to apologize for it. And then I expect when I walk in wearing a Fez and Aviator glasses, for you to do the same for me, without beating around the bush or taking 45 minutes to get to the point.”
***If this is the kind of stuff you want, then you want family. This is what family do: friends who do this with each other are also ‘family’ - and it takes a lot of something to get there. Whether that something is history, related interests, same sense of humour (and don’t fucking tell me how to spell that), the same survival stories, convivial competitiveness - whatever it is, it takes that something, and usually some time to get there.
Certainly it takes effort, thoughtfulness, interest in the other person, and respect for them as someone you value. Friendships are reciprocal and it’s not uncommon for one to put more into it than the other, or to be mindful of things the other isn’t - but among it all is a balance. It’s that balance (which is not necessarily 50/50 - but an equality) that makes someone a friend rather than an acquaintance (or a total arse).
It seems there are incongruencies in some of things you say, and some double-standards (“man up” etc etc) but I guess that comes from being a complex human being. I consider myself complex, though not particularly complicated.
To have a high IQ is a useful thing - but it’s not a necessity in the realm of friendship seeking as you know from experience. What is more useful I think is to have a high emotional intelligence - and I know you’re not stupid, so there’s no reason to explain to you what that is.
When I said “I tried” in my last post, to be more concise, I tried understanding what specifically it is that you want from this thread, where you felt not having a friend was important, how it is that you find it so difficult to not be ‘annoyed’ by people, why it is that you don’t see yourself as ‘annoying’; I was observational, assertive, conciliatory, constructive, (inadvertantly) insulting, and aplogetic.
For this, I get mixed messages and an invitation to shape up in the Pit. And I’m still as confused as hell by what is interpreted by me as some kind of offer of friendship; but it probably isn’t it and I think you’re just fuckin’ with my head.
Anyway, I’m not clear on what you want, but I’m sure I didn’t help.
Your original question, "Why can’t I find people I like?’ makes me want to answer, “Why can’t you like the people you find?”
I dunno Todderbob. You’re as intriguing as you are annoying.
That might be your first problem. When I was 20, the most intelligent, dynamic, interesting 18-25 year olds were not living in the suburbs. They were off at college or perhaps the military or something. And after college, most of them moved to cities like New York or Boston or whereever.
I meet cool people all the time. Still I keep most people at arms length and only a few get to be close to me. Where do I meet interesting people? Online, walking my dog, at the ice cream place, coffee shops, at music concerts. I like “real people” that are honest and funny. People of this type are hard to find but they are the diamonds in a world full of coal. None of them are perfect as I am not perfect. The last line is the key.
How we feel about others is a mirror of ourselves. I know your going to hate me for saying this but I am old and a little wise. You can’t like other people if you don’t like yourself. You can’t be open to new people if you don’t have access to them. It’s almost like a defense mechanism. If I find them annoying then I don’t have to get to know them. I can push them away by beiong annoying which is completely defeating the purpose. I have a friend who is a nuclear engineer and absolutely brilliant. We can have long conversations about things that interest me but then he gets annoying. He has a bad habit of being a racist. The minute the conversation goes south I’m headed for the nearest exit. I enjoy him to the extent I can. Nobody is perfect. He knows it pushes me away and yet he does it to himself.
It’s as effective as shooting himself in the foot! You need to go out on a limb sometimes to find friends. Outside your comfort zone. You need to take people as they are, not as you would want them to be. You can’t change anyone in the world except yourself. First you have to stop pushing the prospects away.
There are people who are afraid of being close to others because they were once hurt. I have been hurt many times in my life. I thought I was mortally wounded a few times but I just kept getting back up and brushing myself off. I am not letting a broken heart or two keep me from the life I have left.
If you are in your 20’s I think you are just learning about life on life’s terms and how to take a sucker punch to the stomach. You will get burned a few times to get to the teddy bear on the top shelf. If you want something badly you need to keep going for it. Do you have the courage to keep trying? You may fail? Still… Are you just going to give up? I doubt it.
BTW, Intelligence is a curse when it comes to emotions. Emotions are not rational so you can’t think your way out of them. Feelings are not facts but without feelings you will never fall in love. We are human and this is what separates us from the lower species. Love doesn’t make sense at least to me when I see the futility of it… I fall for absolute jerks every time. My rational mind knows these guys are bad boys but good guys don’t attract me. So I have to accept that going into any relationship I am trading comfort for excitement. I’d rather be alone than with someone that doesn’t excite and interest me. This is my flaw, that I must bear. Once I admitted it to myself and accepted it I could live in peace.
Still looking back it was worth the pain to have loved like I did. It doesn’t make sense but love is like that. When you get old you can look back and laugh and smile at how good it was.
Honestly, it never occurred to me to get a job somewhere for something other than the income. I’m well enough off working the way I do, although it leaves me enough free time to work almost a full time job. I might do this, thanks for the tip.
It seems to be a recurring theme in this thread, that you start off not liking, even if you don’t immediately dislike, the people you end up being friends with.
Is this really how most people operate?
I’ve never had any sort of relationship like that with my family. I couldn’t imagine having that sort of relationship with any of them, either.
I don’t like people who play mind games. I was being legitimate. Although I wouldn’t really define it as friendship, since the internet is one of those odd mediums where friends are more like people who share some interest or another.
You didn’t hurt, either. You ended up bringing clarity – even if inadvertently, so thanks.
Because the people I find suck?
Then I must not be very intriguing.
As an interesting aside, one of the guys I hung out with in high school (not the one who lived with me) called me today, out of the blue, and asked me to hang out. I would probably have put him off for a week or two, and then said yes after he kept bugging me (as he’s prone to do once every few months) but I said yes off the bat today. See, growing moment, go me.
You really cannot find out if you like someone or not if you DONT GET TO KNOW THEM first. That requires you to give em a chance to suceed or fail. You don’t have be in love with em to start with. But you do at least need to tolerate em for awhile to find out whats what.
Sounds to me like you find any old little something to not like about someone and thats it, game over. That game plan just aint gonna work.
And lets go even further. Take an issue or behaviour. With many such things, a good fraction of the population will be okay with it, and the rest against it.
Now, lets say you are intolerant of said behaviour.
If one thing is deal breaker, you’ve already eliminated 50 percent of the population. 5 such deal breakers and your down to 1 person in 32 being even possibly acceptable. 8 of em and its 1 in 256. 10 and its one in thousand.
If your “not acceptable” list is more than a couple things, you better be ready to either be lonely or willing to filter through a shitload of people to find even a few that meet your standards.
I only ask because I discovered in my 30s that once I moved away from a geographical area I loathed, I suddenly didn’t hate everyone I met.
I moved from an area where I hated the politics and consequently disliked most of the people I met because we had little in common. When I moved to another part of the country where people were more like me, surprise…I met people I liked. Now I’ve moved to another place where there are a lot of people who are much like the ones in my hometown and surprise, I’m having to search very hard to find friends again.
I think it’s really cool that you took up that invitation Todderbob - it’s so easy not to; and as corny as I know you’ll think this is - it takes some guts. It takes a conscious mind to start changing the habits we have that don’t work for us anymore.
You should be proud of yourself for doing it. (God knows I am - but I’m keeping that to myself.)
It does make me a bit sad (yes, I am a sad case) that you don’t have the kind of family that can (and does!) say to each other, “Ronald McDonald wants his fucking scarf back” and “You look great!..for an asylum inmate…” and all the kind of stuff that is so one-dimensionally insulting, but comes from a deep place of knowing and (dare I say?) loving someone.
Be assured that when you know what you want, you can find it. Just know that as long as you look, it’ll turn up - more often than not, in the least expected places.
So try not to chuck the baby out with the bath water (hell, you might need that dirty bath water). Just as an interesting exercise for yourself, see what it’s like to just let people ‘in.’ They don’t have to stay for a long; they might even find their own way to the door. But you don’t have to chuck 'em out.
I hope you have a really good time with your high school buddy - and that you find him intriguing, rather than annoying
I think it’s an interesting observation by Acantha about not liking where she lived. I certainly couldn’t live where I grew up without being all stabby. So that might be something you wanna roll around in your big brainy 'ead. (One smilie is enough. I’m not putting in another one.)
I fall for absolute jerks every time. My rational mind knows these guys are bad boys but good guys don’t attract me. So I have to accept that going into any relationship I am trading comfort for excitement. I’d rather be alone than with someone that doesn’t excite and interest me. This is my flaw, that I must bear. Once I admitted it to myself and accepted it I could live in peace.
