You’re Canadian – shouldn’t that be “Your kilometerage may vary”?
No. The word “mileage” has escaped its unit of birh and now apples to distance reckoned in any unit.
Same with “footage”. While it was (and often is) still measured in feet in film, in video it tends to go by timecode (hours:minutes:seconds:frames), but we still say “footage”.
Didn’t they outlaw owning Canadians because it was found that most Americans had absolutely no idea how to properly care for one and ended up breaking all kinds of cruelty laws? I mean, consider that if you are going to keep a Canadian, you will need to prepare a considerable number of things:
- You will need to build “The Beer Store” and a “Tim Horton’s” in your back yard. If your Canadian is from the east coast, you may be required to learn how to make or obtain “Screech.” Do not attempt to feed your Canadian American beer or it will respond by attempting to return that beer to you in a place that beer should not go.
- You will need to keep on hand an assortment of toques and hockey equipment, and be available for all televised NHL games (which necessitates access to all televised NHL games). Depending on the Canadian, you may also be required to have access to all CFL and/or NFL games, too.
- Never mention “Bloc Quebecois” unless your Canadian is from Quebec. Even then you may still give offense. Similarly, and with the same caveat, “referendum” will still induce rabies-like symptoms.
- If your Canadian is from Newfoundland or Quebec, you may be required to learn its language. Similarly, if you are a native of Boston, Minnesota, Brooklyn, or the deep south, your Canadian may require education in kind.
- You must be fluent in both the imperial and metric systems of weights and measures.
- If you live in the southern US states, you must be capable of accepting ridicule if you complain about the cold whenever the temperature drops below 10°C/50F.
- Understand that your bacon is not real bacon, though your Canadian will still eat it because hey, it’s bacon.
There are plenty of other rules, but these are probably the most important to observe. You can see, then, why owning a Canadian is a considerable undertaking.
As well as the US system of measures.
But worth it. The winter plumage of Canadians is impressive; many in the south have never seen it in its full glory.
Fifty quatlus on the newcomer!
If you’re going to get a Canadian, go all out and get a fancy French Canadian.
“There’s no Canada like French Canada, it’s the greatest Canada in the land…”
You might want to look into used Canadians. The depreciation is pretty steep the first couple of years so if it isn’t important to you that you have the latest model Canadian it could be an option.
As a kept Canadian, may I see that anyone attempting to employ the term winter in the southeastern USwill be met with howls derisive laughter from the shorts and sandals wearing guy with the beer in his hand knocking the “frost” from the lettuce in the garden.
Canadians can be adapted to American beer quite easily. It is only necesssary to demonstrate the import markup at the local store.
Or you could just relax and and get a nice comfortable down-to-earth English Canadian.
the Scots are the only true Canadians, well, the Irish, too. The English have never been good for anything but creating paperwork and empires.
Is that the one with measurements such as “yea big” and “wide as a Chevy?”
This is quite true. There is no sight quite like a Canadian bearing a full winter coat, especially the Saskatchewan breeds. They puff up nearly twice their original size! They’re hardy, too, and make excellent workers in adverse conditions.
Sacrilege! The foulest word in my vocabulary – capable of inducing the most twisted grimaces on even the hardiest of men – is “Coors.” (Apologies to my fellow Canadians. If it helps take some of the sting away: “Molson.”)
You really have to be careful with French-Canadians. Many of them are notoriously finicky, refuse to acknowledge you unless accorded a healthy amount of respect, and when speaking to them, you have to say everything in French before repeating it in English. On the plus side, I understand a lot of women like it when you speak French to them.
[QUOTE=Mindfield]
Sacrilege! The foulest word in my vocabulary – capable of inducing the most twisted grimaces on even the hardiest of men – is “Coors.” (Apologies to my fellow Canadians. If it helps take some of the sting away: “Molson.”)
QUOTE]
Relax, Coors isn’t even beer. Terrapin makes a Golden Ale that’s like Joe Molson brewing in heaven.
Could I get one to drive me around in the “frost”?
I’m more of a wine drinker than a beer drinker. Would a French Canadian be more appropriate for me?
Well, I’m on a year-to-year work visa, so I suppose my boyfriend is leasing with option to buy…
He better not even think about trading me in for a newer model!!
Finicky? Please, we eat stew with pigs’ feet in it and have nun’s farts for dessert.
And railways. Don’t forget the railways.
shush.
The CPR was promoted by Sir John A. Macdonald (a Scotsman), built by Chinese labour, and completed by Cornelius Van Horne (an American). And the English did…?
One nice stack of pancakes for Spoons coming right up.
You can’t own a Canadian? Why, anybody can own a Canadian!
Because, folks, with deals like we’ve got here at Honest Dougie’s Used Canadians, Canadians are now more affordable than ever!
Check out this little beauty. Built in beautiful British Columbia, she’s only got 25 years on her. Skis like an angel, educated at a fine university, and looks great on the beach. Yup, she’s available right now at Honest Dougie’s.
Or how 'bout this guy? He’s got mover and shaker written all over him! From Toronto, he’s the Bay Street Businessman you know you need. Tell you what–buy him today, and I’ll throw in the Latte Moccacino and the Blackberry for free!
Or, look over here. Here’s a little exotic French number that’s sure to please! Montreal is her home, but she’s no stranger to travel, having widened her horizons as an Air Canada flight attendant over the past two years. We’ve grounded her here at Honest Dougie’s and she’s waiting for you!
Hey folks, there’s plenty more Canadians to chose from so c’mon down to Honest Dougie’s and check out just how affordable our Canadians are. Still too much? Don’t worry; on-the-spot financing’s available, and there are always free sodas and hot dogs for the kiddies. Honest Dougie’s–Your Tri-City Canadian dealer for over 40 years!
We managed it! So there!
(I knew someone would rise to the bait!)