No judgment. I’m just curious and hope some people will be willing to take part in the thread. I realize some people might be uncomfortable sharing. We could always handle this like in the old secrets thread - you could PM me, or email me (omegaglory at mail.com ) and I could share it (or not, if you don’t want to).
I have not cheated on my current partner (my wife), but I cheated on my first wife and every girlfriend I ever had. I even cheated on the girlfriend I was cheating on my ex-wife with. In every case, the reason was the same - I wanted more sex than my current partner was willing to have and I was willing to take the risk of ruining the relationship to have more sex (though none of the breakups were due to the cheating since I was never caught). I’m not willing to ruin my current marriage so I don’t cheat even though I still don’t have as much sex as I would like.
I was 21 and stupid. We were drifting apart as it was, but he had been forced to leave school and stay home. We hardly saw each other. We weren’t married or anything, but I didn’t really even justify it in my head. I broke up with him officially in May. He did find out about the cheating. It was a bad breakup. He had also done many hurtful and wounding things.
Many, many years later I got in touch with him again over email. I apologized to him for cheating, and he quickly rebounded with apologies for his behavior. I like to think we’ve both put it behind us now. We were kids, really. 21 maybe, but we were much less mature than that.
I didn’t, but my first wife cheated on me. It took me years to figure out why (she finally told me, confirming things I had thought of but dismissed as utter bullshit), but there were many causes:
[ul]
[li]She liked to flirt. [/li][li]I didn’t get jealous, so when the flirt was reciprocated, she was more willing to continue.[/li][li]I was unemployed, putting a lot of pressure on her. She ended up taking an extra job, which added to the stress.[/li][li]She always felt I would dump her some day.[/li][li]She didn’t want kids. I did.[/li][/ul]
I was willing to try to work things out, but she refused. I thought it was because she resented me, but later learned she felt ashamed and couldn’t face me.
I wasn’t happy in my marriage and I didn’t see things getting any better. Innocent emails between me and an ex-colleague started to heat up. It was innocent at first, but very quickly things just spiraled out of control. I’ve mentioned this on here before. One day she emailed me and asked if we could meet at lunch. I said sure, why not? In her next reply I suddenly realized she said “at lunch,” not for lunch. Next thing I knew plans were made for a rendezvous at an isolated parking lot along the river.
It just sort of happened. And then it happened maybe another 8 or 10 times before I finally put a stop to it. About 10 years after this I inadvertently left my email open on our computer. All of the emails were still there. We tried counseling, but I’d damaged the trust too much and we couldn’t move on from there. I’ve been separated for two years now, but to be honest I couldn’t have continued the relationship with my ex. It’s better this way.
Not with my current partner, but my ex, many years ago. It was a Friday, and my 40th birthday was coming up, on Sunday. He gave me my gift, explaining that he’d be out of town over the weekend. Why? No reason, he just needed to get away. Couldn’t he get away some other time? No, his feelings were urgent. Where was he going? Anywhere.
I need to explain that this guy’s “feelings” were the most important things in his life, and needed to be the most important things in everybody else’s life. I should also explain that on his last birthday, I went out of my way to make it a memorable occasion for him, at great effort and expense.
I should also explain that this had been a monogamous relationship on my part, not his.
So he left. Sunday came around, and I celebrated my 40th by pigging out on all my favorite foods. Of course that made me feel worse. So I went out and met a guy, and we spent the evening together at his place. He was a wonderful guy, and it was a wonderful experience.
This is just one example of why my ex became my ex.
I received this via email:
I’d like to anonymously answer your question about cheating. I want to emphatically state that I know none of the following reasons makes it in any way okay, and I don’t do it anymore, but here you go, here’s why:
I have never been naturally monogamous, but didn’t realize it for many years. I always wanted multiple boyfriends regardless of how crazy I was about the one I had, and cheated a lot when I was in my teens and early 20s.
I got married in my mid-20s, simply because it’s what you do (I thought). I loved the man I married (though I’m not sure I was ever in love) and we make good partners in many ways. I made a conscious choice at that time to grow up and stop being a jerk, and for the first ten years or so we were married, I never even considered being unfaithful.
When the kids got a little older, I found myself more and more miserable with the concept of monogamy, and for the first time became truly conscious of that in myself, and did a lot of educating myself to understand how people can live happy, non-monogamous lives.
I first went to my husband about six years ago, and told him flat out that I wanted to sleep with other people, and that I encouraged him to as well. He wasn’t interested, and after a couple of years of discussion and couples therapy, nothing had changed and I felt trapped and smothered to the point of panic, and I had my first affair, with a friend. It lasted about three months, and another came shortly after, with a man I fell in love with (and still am) and lasted about 18 months.
By that point I was torn between how much more whole I felt, and how goddamn shitty I felt, and I broke it off and for the last four years have been completely faithful, though there are several men I am attracted to and have deep feelings for.
I’m unhappy being married, and want to be able to explore non-monogamy in a pure and fair way - what I did, the cheating, that is not the polyamorous life I crave at all. I want openness and honesty and am very aware of how wrongly I behaved.
So why don’t I leave? I don’t really know how. I admit I’m selfish and scared. I love my husband - he’s my family and my best friend. I love our family dynamic, and I love spending time with him both alone and as a family with the kids. I don’t want want to share custody of the kids, and financially having two homes would be almost impossible. I suppose I don’t leave because I’m waiting for some unrealistic moment where he says, “Hey, let’s do that thing you wanted where we date other people” and we continue to live as co-parents and friends (with benefits, if he wanted). I know that’s not going to happen, but still, I’m paralyzed - longing for a different life but terrified to hurt him or disrupt the stuff I do like about our life together.
I should mention that I’m deleting all the PMs/Emails as they’re copied, so they’re not going to be floating around in an inbox somewhere.
From a PM
I have two. The first one was a boyfriend. I lived with him and his brother out in the middle of nowhere. They both worked, but I had no job, no transportation, no life, no self-esteem. My boyfriend was mean, but his brother was kind.
The second one was when I was much older and married. My husband became unemployed and returned to alcoholism. He wasn’t helpful, civil, or even clean. Some guy at work was real fun to be around.
So I would say in both cases, I felt like I wasn’t being treated right and that justified my behaving badly as well. Not that I gave it a whole lot of thought. “It just happened.”
Only once in my life have I been in a relationship where I specifically agreed to the exclusivity thing. I cheated.
I didnt actually have sex with anyone else, but at the time I was a virgin and wasn’t having sex with my girlfriend either. I cheated in the sense that I definitely flirted with someone else though. (It was against the rules she asked for). Why? Because I’d promised I wouldn’t, and then I didn’t like how that felt. Never made that kind of promise again.
Only once*. I was out of the country and the opportunity arose. What can I say? It was exciting and fun, but didn’t affect my relationship at the time. Never say the other person again.
*Hookers don’t count as cheating, right? 
From email:
I’m male and married. I’ve cheated on just about every partner I have ever had. Or would given time.
I just don’t think I’m wired to be monogamous and I don’t equate love and sex. Cheating on any particular woman didn’t make me love her any more or less. I was once involved with a married woman while I was married (our spouses did not know each other) and nothing came of it, emotionally.
I think, ultimately, it’s just my self-centeredness. Being able to walk away from any relationship and deal with the pain is just something I’ve gained.
I don’t justify it, it’s just how I feel. I’ve been monogamous for better than ten years now. Not because my feelings have changed but because the society I choose to live in expects it.
I have never cheated on a partner. I think Robert Burns said it best:
The sacred lowe o’ weel-plac’d love,
Luxuriantly indulge it;
But never tempt th’ illicit rove,
Tho’ naething should divulge it:
I waive the quantum o’ the sin,
The hazard of concealing;
But, Och! it hardens a’ within,
And petrifies the feeling!
EDIT: Of course, this thread was not addressed to me; so feel free to ignore my post.
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On my first wife, yes. On my second wife, no.
Not enough sex and so boring as to make me not want to do it all that often anyway. She was the sort of person who thought that once a month was plenty. Also, I was deployed a lot and 6-8 months away is a very long time. But basically it was just a huge difference in libidos. That’s what can happen if you don’t live together first.