I am asking this because the divorce rate in the U.S. is pretty staggering, and I’m curious as to what makes couples say “’‘Till death’ be damned!” and call it quits. (And maybe I’m a teeny mite nosy.)
Was the problem with you, him/her, or both? Offer as much or as little information as you please. Either way, you won’t be judged.
First time: we were going in different directions.
Second time: her OCD-level cleaning fetish, inability to control her spending, foul temper, and sharp tongue had me to the point where I woke up every morning hoping that today would be the day I would finally get hit by a bus.
I’m happily married, but my parents got divorced because my dad was fucking his secretary.
A follow-up question, then, for Scumpup and the future posters in this thread: Did you not notice the flaws and foibles of your ex when in the beginning stages of the relationship? What made you realize them?
She and her boyfriend were not meeting my discretion standards.
They let me find out.
The fault was completely that of my ex-husband. He entered the marriage knowing I did not want to have children. He thought he could change my mind. It doesn’t work that way.
During the courtship, no. She actually concealed huge consumer debt from me that I found out about after we were married. I knew before we married that she was neat, but she got progressively more obsessive as time passed. Unlike many people today, we did not live together before marriage, so things that one might find out about that way were not available to me.
Because we never should have gotten married in the first place.
I was young (22), out on my own for the first time and had never had a real long-term relationship before; she was older, recently divorced and had two small children who I absolutely adored.
In retrospect, it’s easy for me to see that I got my love for them, my feelings for their mother and a desire to “settle down” all mixed up. Things were already on the rocks just a few short years in when she cheated, and that settled that.
This often stems from ignoring Rule #1: “Whenever there is any doubt, there is no doubt.”
Stranger
This.
I honestly can’t remember the “being in love” part, if there was one. I know I thought he was a much better person than he actually was, and frankly, he could have said the same about me. We’d have been divorced sooner, but for a few years, adoring our accidental child together served to pass the time. By the end, we didn’t even respect each other, let alone like or love.
Pretty much what he said.
I’ve posted this before, but I REALLY wish one or more of my friends would have really had the “are you sure about this” talk with me instead of just acting so damned happy that somebody was willing to spend time with me. Folks, if you have a good friend, it’s a real favor to talk to him about this sort of thing before he does something he’ll regret.
My ex husband found his soulmate. It wasn’t me.
Yes, there were indications before we married. I broke up with him twice before - once during the engagement and took him back each time. I grew up with a mother and aunts who gave me bad advice - “all young men are stupid and they have to grow up a bit - but they will” - my father did. My uncles did. My ex-husband didn’t. I suspect that was advice for a different generation.
I’ve had this talk with two friends, and it didn’t really help in either case. All that happened was they got defensive about their relationship and angry with me. One of them didn’t speak to me for a year. Both relationships ultimately failed, and both of them told me that they realized with hindsight that I was right, but I think from now on I’ll just keep my mouth shut unless I’m specifically asked.
My ex smacked me once in the mouth and I left, forever.
You tell me, and we’ll both know.
Short answer is, my first wife wanted out, and could never articulate why. Oh, I can think of a host of reasons that living with me could be difficult, but she never cited any of those reasons. Or ANY reason.
All I know for sure is, after just over 6 years of marriage, she was bored and unhappy and didn’t wanted to be married any more. I finally got tired of trying to convince her to see a counselor and keep trying.
“I got divorced because I was tired of having stuff.” - some stand-up comedian I saw a long time ago, whose name I can’t recall.
I asked someone once why she didn’t tell me I was making a mistake, and she said, “You wouldn’t have listened.” I had to admit she was probably right.
Mom would have told me, but I kept it a secret from her until it was a done deal. Apparently some part of me knew I was fucking up the whole time.
I got married the first time because I was young, dumb, and full of it. I cared about her, but I didn’t want to be married to her. I knew that pretty much from the start, but I didn’t think anyone else would want me.
The second time I didn’t do the walking away she did. I had zero choice in the matter, she up and left me. I tried to do everything I could she just didn’t want to be there. She wouldn’t talk about it, go to counseling or anything she just wanted out. I wanted to have it work out, but I can’t do it alone. Oddly enough this was her second marriage too and she did the same thing, just walked out and never looked back.
First time: Husband left me for a friend of mine. Edited to add: That marriage was going nowhere fast anyway. We should not have gotten married–we were both 22 and right out of college and got married instead of living together because both sets of our parents were very religious and would have blown a gasket.
Second time: Husband had affair with a friend of mine (!) and while we stayed married for several years after that, I couldn’t see him the same way ever again. Also, he grew progressively bitter and unhappy and, I think, had a chemical imbalance because he rarely ate but drank and smoked a lot every day. Life with him became so miserable and I was so tired of walking on eggshells, waiting for him to crack for no reason, that I couldn’t take it anymore.
Did you not notice the flaws and foibles of your ex when in the beginning stages of the relationship? What made you realize them?
First guy, I suppose so. We were both 1,000 miles from home at college and had fun there. After we graduated and got married the mundaneness of life got to us, I think. We never should have gotten married, and I wonder to this day what my life would have been like if I’d stayed single, gotten a job, and lived the single life in my 20s instead of trying to stay married to someone I wasn’t suited for. I wasn’t even sure I loved him; I tried to break up with him several times when we were dating, but he always dissuaded me, once telling me he was literally going to go home and kill himself if I broke up with him.
We were young and naive.
I dated the second guy about eight months before we got married. He seriously changed over the course of our 13-year marriage from a fun and happy guy to a bitter, exhausted shell. Was it my fault? I hope not, but I don’t know. I do know the pressures and injustices of his job wore him down and created so much stress for him that he was often physically ill. The only time we had any semblance of fun was when we were on vacation. I like fun, and I missed it when I was with him. I missed it a lot.