This thread was partially inspired by Why Scumbags? over in IMHO. It was also the subject of discussion at a BBQ I was at yesterday (all three in the stories below were there). Let me explain, no let me sum up.
Me: After 8 years of what I thought was a succesful marriage, my wife left me. I’ve allways worked and she’s never had to. We’d agreed to her staying home for our kids. This year I’ll probably gross somewhre between 50 and a 100k ( i also get comisions, that’s why I can’t nail it down yet). I made mistakes, including the biggie (that being I had a brief affair when she was pregnant with our first child, she never found out about it, I ended it after realizing how much of an asshole I was being)and Im sure I worked too much. But overall, no real hints of problems, at least none that I saw. Anyway two years ago she left me for a guy who’s a convicted dope dealing felon, and has never held a steady job. The guy has tried to set their (used to be our) house on fire, and has been arrested at least once for domestic violence, since they got married last April.
What was she thinking?
My best friend G: They were married 6 years. Have one little girl. Gerald makes about 50K a year. He’s a great cook, and I could depend on him with my life, and I mean that. Last year his wife also asked him to leave. She’s getting married this August. The groom? Sporadically employed, also in and out of jail. Known in the neighborhood as a never do well.
What was she thinking?
Another good friend H: Married 12 years also 1 daughter. H makes approximately 60K, and works for the same company that I do, he’s been here 8 years. They owned a house here and in France. Earlier this year, his wife asked him to leave she wants to see someone else. The new guy, a temp worker at her job. Doesn’t even own a car let alone any other indications that he’s financially secure. According to H, at least he’s not violent. Though don’t know about any criminal history.
What?
Now if there’s any common thread here, it’s that we all probably worked too much, to be good providers. Is this our reward? Does this say something about women? Is it us?
First, let me say I’m sorry you’ve had to go through what you did. That sucks!
Now, to the subject at hand:
Women, like all people, can be fickle. They get bored. They want something new. They start to see how staid and routine their life is and they get a hankerin’ for something new and exciting. Even the most wonderful, loving, consistent, dependable man can get boring after awhile - its just human nature for the routine to be taken for granted.
One common thread I’ve noticed in all these women is that they did not work outside the home. Maybe they all started to feel their “youth” slipping away from them, trapped in the “mommy, housekeeper” mode. Now, some men may think, “Sheesh! I was providing everything for her - she didn’t have to work; all she had to do was stay home! How easy”. Well, all she had to do was stay home was exactly the problem. Unfortunately, her need for some variety didn’t lead her to the local community college or to a job outside the home or even to volunteer work - it lead her to another man. She didn’t recognize her need for a variety adult social contact to be as important to retaining her sense of self as it truly is. So, when “the other guy” came along and got her emotions all riled up (remember the excitement of new love/lust?), something she probably hadn’t felt for a long time, she probably figured “it was just meant to be”. This was the classic example of a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. You were the two in the bush: stable, loving, good provider, good father. She was going for the excitement she could get, even if the guy was a dirtbag. Of course, in the beginning, all he is is exciting and dangerous. The rose colored glasses of lust kind of block out the fact that his protectiveness is truly insane jealousy and his “cute little temper tantrums” are really an explosive, abusive temper.
Men are just as susceptible to this as women are, usually in the form of a mid-life crisis. you’ve seen them: red corvette, trophy girlfriend, big long comb-over flapping in the breeze of the covertible.
Just my $.02. Sorry you had to go through something that sucky.
I think you may have hit on part of it- in your descriptions, you emphasis the wages earned by each of the men in question. Certainly money makes lots of stuff easier, but, it’s not the #1 thing - certainly after a certain level. Time as a family member is a very important consideration, and often men who focus on income will also spend little time with the family as such. Don’t know if it’s true. but lonlieness can do some odd things.
sorry you and your friends are going through bad times.
Bunny makes some very good points…now to fill in a bit…these “scumbags” or “ner-do-wells” you speak of…they are very likely much more than that. They are opportunists, perhaps even parasites. People like your domestic violence fellow are often very adept at zeroing in on the most vulnerable. They can sense the angst in these women and know exactly how to play on it. They are often very charming and speak to the very needs of their target. Later of course, they are usually revealed to be exactly what they are manipulative, controlling and domineering. If these women have been married to slightly overworked, just a tad boring, nice guys then how is it they will be equipped to recognize one of these manipulating types? I think time will tell on your x wife and the others. I don’t imagine they will be happy quite as long with these losers as they were before.
Funny, of the 5 recent split ups in which I know the parties involved, 4 of them involved the woman leaving her husband. The common denominator here was that they were all working women,though.
I guess that’s where women’s liberation takes us. We now have the socioeconomic means to tell our spouses to get lost when the mood strikes, just like the men used to.
My divorce was mutual and I can’t say I’ve noticed a change between who initiates the break ups around me. I have to say, I noticed the weight you seem to place on money. When I divorced, I was much poorer than before. It wasn’t about money, it was about ME and being happy, or content in my place in the world. Staying in a relationship because of the money is rather…whore-ish. There wasn’t anyone else involved for either of us, so maybe that makes the difference. As for me, I’d rather be alone than in a relationship with someone I didn’t really want to be with. And would you really want her to stay if she didn’t want to be there?
OK-Listen Up!
The hoes is bored! The hoes need they ass wupped. Wup it good at the first sign of unrest! Unfortunately, she will sock yo’ ass in the gray-bar hotel! You will become very exciting at this point. She will cling to your side forever! Unfortunately you will also cling to a wife-beating charge! Circles within Circles. Life goes on. Live or live with it.
Maybe I was wrong to include money, again, I was merely using it as a comparison. Dragonlady, I understand where you coming from and understand what you mean. It’s more a, how could she dump me for this loser, kinda thing I was getting at. But I can see where you and the other posters who mentioned it may have gotten that impression.
I guess my main reson for bringing it up is this. My ex appreciated the money and things I could buy her. Never once did she say, “oh don’t buy me a new car, just come home”. Hell G’s wife got him to spend $2000 on a diamond just before she dumped him. I understand how this could be viewed as whining(sp?). But which is it women want?
I think every situation is different, although there are probably some common denominators.
My first husband and I both worked full-time, and were the parents of three small children. His idea of marital bliss was to come home from work and park himself in front of the television for the rest of the night. When I would ask him to do some of the household chores, he would tell me “I don’t care if they get done or not. You do, so you do them.”
His idea of money management was to buy whatever he wanted with his paycheck, and pay the bills if there was any money left over.
But it wasn’t always like that; something changed along the way. I think he was having so many emotional problems (he is one of those people who, in his forties had falshbacks and finally began to piece together the evidence that he had been sexually abused) that he was unable to deal with everyday life, and tended to blame everything that went wrong on whomever was closest.
We get along much better now, fifteen years after the divorce, than we have for many years. It could be that if we had stayed together, things might have gotten better, but I felt that I was allowing myself to be used by staying with him.
I don’t think it’s ever as simple as more money or more time. If there is enough money to pay all the bills, there is less to fight about in that arena. But if you don’t spend enough time with each other, there can come a point when you don’t think you know each other any more.
It still makes me sad to think about it. I’m sorry that this happens to so many people.
OK, money aside, maybe she sees something in the loser that you don’t. The kindest, most patient man I’ve ever known, the one who kept me alive after I was widowed, was a meth addict and as such, a dealer. A character flaw, to be sure, but it wasn’t ALL he was. Everyone around me was shocked that I would keep him around (he stayed with me for over a year) but he was my stability at the time, and his drug use happened outside of my house and outside of my world. I am the person I am today because of him. Not every loser is what he appears to be.
I lost him about 4 years ago when I moved to Northern California from the Bay Area. Last I heard he had gone back to Missouri, where his parents were. Druggies don’t usually stay put for long, so I have no idea what happened to him. He had my address and phone and I hope to hear from him someday. Anyhow, he is perfect example of judging a book by it’s cover. I’m glad it made you think, he’s worth it, where ever he is.
Spidey I hope it’s alright to call you that. What you said about drug users has merit. I don’t try to lump them all together if I can help it. But in this situation, it seemed all the worse because we have children together. But maybe you’re right, I mean she must see something in him that I (and her family for that matter) don’t. Bunnygirl I was thinking about what you said last night and it makes a lot of sense, in fact i said as much to H when he first separated.
MjollnerI could have done without that mental image, but thanks for sharing
