What does it mean when a man's career is more important to his S.O. than her?

Great Debates
1

Have I been imagining things? Or do someone women care more about their husband’s / boyfriend’s careers than their own?

Is this healthy?

What should a man do if he thinks the woman in his life is less interested in her career than in his own? (Now don’t look at me like that, I’m single; I ask for information only.)

What would you think of a woman who dumped her fella because of his career or lack of same? Again I might be imagining these; nobody ever said she got rid of him because his job was louzy, but I’ve heard lots of vague references like “I’m keeping him around because he’s going places” or “He doesn’t seem like he has a future”. That sounds like she’s talking abouÝ his job, but I could be wrong.

I’m just wondering if it is unrealistic to assume thåt a woman would judge a man on something other than his career. I mean, I’d prefer it if women judged men on their characters, just as I’d prefer it if men judged women on their characters. I’m just wondering if it is realistic.

2

Dagnabbit! I wrote the topic wrong. The last word is supposed to be hers, as in “her career is to her”. Sorry.

3

Well, as a woman, I regard me and my career first and foremost. Maybe I am the norm, or maybe I am weird but I can’t stand the thought of putting a man first over and above myself in anything.

Now, I do believe that a man should have some drive with regards to where he is headed in life. If that means I am dating a construction worker or a stock broker, the pride he places in is work is important.

I would rather date a man who wants to some day own his own construction company (or brokerage) than a man who simply wants to work there. This a strong characteristic. The motivation to do better rather than follow the status quo.

It’s not a matter of whether or not he’s going to make a billion dollars, it’s a matter of being with a man that motivates and helps me in my own life, and vice versa.

Any self respecting woman will have the desire to find a mate that is either her intellectual equal or better and find a man that has character enough to want to follow his dream rather than follow the dream of others. Any man should look for the same.

I will never settle for a man because his career is better and makes more money than me, I strive for the man who challenges himself to do better everyday, and I would expect him to do the same to me.

Does that make sense?

4

A person’s carrer is an important part of who a person “really” is. Certain personality types become preachers, others archetects, still others construction workers. To say a man (or woman) is “going places” is not merely describing thier potential income level; it is describing a type of person–driven, goal focused, materialistic, whatever. To look “beyond” someone’s employment choices would be like looking beyond someone’s religion or hobbies–it would be ignoring a critical aspect of who they are.

5

Are there women that will follow their husbands and forgo their own careers? Sure. Should they, well I guess it depends on the situation.

If he gets a job offer that is so good and she is willing to quit her job then fine but it should also go in the reverse. If she gets an incredible offer he should be willing to consider quiting his job as well.

As for the “He does not have a future.” Sure it could mean that she is looking at the job, but it could also mean that “He has no ambition and is going no where.” It may not be that she is looking for a doctor or a CEO, but is looking for someone who is doing or going to do something productive with his life.

I know I would not have married my wife if she had no ambition, I would have expected no less from her.

Jeffery

6

Well, many women are aware that sperm is cheap and eggs are expensive. They will have to devote a fair chunk of their lives to childrearing. It’s a good idea to mate with a capable provider.

This is by no means universal, as tech’s post shows. But I think it explains the situation you described, Boris.

A seminar on time travel will be held two weeks ago.

7

I find that defining oneself by career or even job is not as universal as you might think.

I’ve actually been to Spanish speaking parties where NO ONE talked about their job or career, although many of the people were degreed professionals.

Not to make generalizations (a positive one - I enjoyed talking about “life” instead). The issue may not be as “universal” as you think.

8

As Wally mentioned, this is basically nature at work. Women are attracted to men who are capable providers - for most of human history it was essential that men be capable providers. Women evolved a knack for discerning which men were the most motivated, and evolved a desire to be with those men. Studies in the last thirty years show that this still holds true: even successful professional women still tend to date men who have higher earning power than they do.

9

StrTrkr777

You might be right, but that is precisely the sort of amiguous language I don’t understand. I never hear women described that way. Granted, women get described in various objectifying ways all the time, but I’ll leave that to another thread. It’s just that words like “ambitious” leave me wary; is she saying she wants him to work 70-hour-weeks and climb corporate ladders to bring in money, or is she just saying she wants him to spend less time watching TV?

Manda JO
You make an excellent point. No one should overlook career goals. You also make interesting comparisons - hobbies and religion. Most women I know of have very little concept of their SO’s hobbies, beyond hating them. Among the men I know, it is a foregone conclusion that they have to keep their hobbies hidden from their SOs. I don’t know why, exactly; the women never say the men aren’t allowed to do whatever it is, but the men never get to do it when the women are around.

Perhaps I know a non-representative group; I certainly hope so. It’s just that I don’t have a good idea idea of what attracts women to men in the first place; the only thing that seems obvious is the men’s jobs. So I have made my assumptions, flawed as they probably are.

Wally and Cooper
Yes, you make plausible arguments about the sociobiology. I even heard one woman, new wife of my best friend, saying that it was her sociobiological duty to steal food off her man’s plate, to demonstrate that he was a good provider. Which made me think, Isn’t this sociobiological stuff supposed to be subconscious?

My question is more like, Is it really acceptable, in the modern day, for a woman to focus overwhelmingly on a man’s career.

Anyway, techchick gives me the most hope. It would be hard for me to take someone seriously who regarded her own career as secondary to her man’s. There might be great reasons in neolithic societies for a woman took judge a man by his ability to provide, but I’m not looking for a neolithic woman. It’s commonly asserted by women that it doesn’t matter how much a man makes, but I’m skeptical. If money matters, she should earn it herself; if it doesn’t, then how many promotions the guy has gotten shouldn’t matter.

10

techchick68 wrote:

But what if a man doesn’t have a dream? (Other than, say, to be rolling-around-in-piles-of-money rich.) Some of us are just plain sick and tired of feeling like, if we don’t go after that damn semi-mythical brass ring every single f*cking day, we’re “losers.” Not that I’m bitter.

The truth, as always, is more complicated than that.

11

“But what if a man doesn’t have a dream? (Other than, say, to be rolling-around-in-piles-of-money rich.) Some of us are just plain sick and tired of feeling like, if we don’t go after that damn semi-mythical brass ring every single f*cking day, we’re “losers.” Not that I’m bitter.”

Then for this woman, I don’t choose to be with him if he has nothing to inspire him.

You missed the point of my posting, totally.

I never suggested that a man should continue day after day to strive for what you call the brass ring. Personally, I prefer a man that has some drive, that helps me have some drive and I hope to offer some drive in return.

To have my intellectual equal or greater means I am not willing to settle for a man that sits on his ass whining about how terrible the world is and brings me down with him. My father brought me up better than that.

I have been there. I have dated the sweetest and kindest man I have ever met but his lack of drive to do better dragged me down. I left that relationship and although I cared about him, I felt stronger after I left the relationship. He was not my intellectual equal and never challenged me. I felt awful over it, but knew in my heart it would have never worked.

I am very strong willed, and there’s nothing wrong with wanting a similar mate.

There are some women out there that would be more than happy to take on the role of provider. There are many men out there that prefer to be the provider. Me, I prefer to be a contributor to the relationship in all parts.

But that’s me, and I am 31 never been married…so read into that what you will :slight_smile:

12

I think that you will find age has something to do with this topic also. Being a middle-aged divorced woman (single by choice) at this point in time it is more important to me that a man strive for the same goals as I do…to me a career is not as important as having a job that I enjoy…I’m not trying to climb the corporate ladder at this stage. I would like a man who enjoys his work…leaves his work at his place of employment…and comes home to enjoy his off hours with me…or in a leisurely fashion that is relaxing to him. You learn with time…the material stuff is nice…but it can cost more of your life than it is worth…and you sure aren’t gonna take it with you.
But again…younger couples…still with families to raise…probably look for a different standard.

13

I think that you will find age has something to do with this topic also. Being a middle-aged divorced woman (single by choice) at this point in time it is more important to me that a man strive for the same goals as I do…to me a career is not as important as having a job that I enjoy…I’m not trying to climb the corporate ladder at this stage. I would like a man who enjoys his work…leaves his work at his place of employment…and comes home to enjoy his off hours with me…or in a leisurely fashion that is relaxing to him. You learn with time…the material stuff is nice…but it can cost more of your life than it is worth…and you sure aren’t gonna take it with you.
But again…younger couples…still with families to raise…probably look for a different standard.

“Do or do not, there is no try” - Yoda

14

:o geesh guys…I must have hit the button twice…sorry

“Do or do not, there is no try” - Yoda