Something I’ve always wondered. Baring some sort of abuse or infidelity, how do people in a relationship for 5, 10, 15 years or more decide that it’s time to divorce / split up?
Do they just get bored? Do things suck at year 10 but inertia keeps them together for another decade? Do they feel like a domesticated house pet that no longer has the tools to survive in the wild? Or do one of them usually meet someone new that all of a sudden makes their current situation not seem so great?
I can’t speak for all people, but I can say that for myself, I’d never divorce someone or leave a long-term relationship because I got bored or wanted something new and exciting. If I were married, I’d make every attempt to stay together, as that kind of lifestyle (long-term commitment) is something I value, and because I have children and I value it for them.
There would have to be something very drastic, such as abuse, or something very insidious and slowly hurtful, like fighting all the time. Fighting all the time wears me down and can definitely cause me to fall out of love with someone and rethink my commitment. I’d still try to work it out and go to counseling and whatever it took, but I can not stand to fight with someone on a daily basis.
I’m still happily married, but here are a few things we’ve seen (along with abuse and infidelity) among our friends.
Drift. One person starts spending more time on his/her career, gets wrapped up in being a parent, gets interested in something the other person doesn’t care about, etc.
Bad habits. Poker night with the boys turns into high-stakes wagers with bookies. Shopping turns into living beyond your means. Drugs and alcohol go here, too.
Money. Being poor when you’re starting out can be romantic. Being poor on your 10th anniversary is just sad. Nothing can kill a marriage deader than a high-earning spouse suddenly becoming unemployed.
Trauma. I read somewhere that the highest correlation to marital breakup is the death of a child. I’ve seen marriages break up after one spouse has a disabling injury or illness, or even because of a parent’s death.
Unwanted change. I’ve seen at least two marriages break up because one spouse was offered a great job in East Timbuktu and the other had no intention of moving to East Timbuktu. I’ve seen a couple of other marriages severely strained because one spouse resented the other for vetoing the great job.
Boredom. A lot of couples really don’t have that much in common, and once the novelty of being married wears off (or sometimes when the last kid leaves the nest) they wake up one morning and realize they don’t have much invested in the relationship.
Of course, while these things may trigger a breakup, they’re usually just the last straw.