Why do you/did you stay?

we have alot of marital relations threads…and I would really like to know about they reasons you stay married.
Whether your spouse is the best or the worst, why do you stay?
And if you are divorced, what took you so long to do it?
What finally made you say “ENOUGH!!NO MORE!!” and bail?

I have tons of work to do, and I wont be online for the rest of the morning, maybe not till the end of the day…I am looking forward to hearing your stories, I find it makes me understand myself better.I am sure I am not the only one.
Have a good day guys!

“Screw you guys…I’m goin’ home!”

With my ex, the pivitol moment was when he suggested we leave the Billy Joel concert before the finale (Piano Man), so we could beat the traffic. What a loser.

But seriously, I knew things were not going to work because he was always waiting for “something” to be happy. A new job, when I finish school, when we move somewhere else…blah, blah, blah…each time one of those things happened, it was something else. He was commited to being unhappy. He also made fun of my charitable nature, to the point where I am embarrased to tell anyone of charitable things I do now (even my new husband). In the end, we were just incompatable and I wasn’t willing to lose my whole life dealing with his baggage.

My husband now is a different story. Very positive, taught me about Karma and why you should be good to each other. He is my biggest fan, and I am his. I won’t go on and on, but suffice to say- I made a mistake in my first marriage, and I’m glad I was able to just get out of it and move on. Life is much better now. Sometimes I forget that I was even married before. It was like a bad dream…

An optimist sees an opportunity in every calamity; A pessimist sees a calamity in every opportunity.

Sometimes I’m amazed I got the great guy I did. Not that I don’t deserve someone great, but that he puts up with me and is so affectionate, fun, and kind. I mean, here’s a guy who was raised by a family of very strange people with some serious issues to resolve (which they won’t) and they had two pretty normal sons. Also, his mom tried to keep him tied to her apron strings, he and his brother never had any chores/housework to do, were waited on hand and foot, and YET, he still does the laundry, takes out the garbage, vacuums, etc without me asking! Amazing! I asked him about it one time and he said,“It’s not just your job to do it”. I think he’s trying to be 180 degrees from what his dad is: the classic sit-in-the-lounger, feet up, “bring me my dinner, woman” guy. He made his wife quit her job at a retail store once because (and this is a quote!) “she wasn’t getting her work around the house done.”, which included mowing 5 acres of yard. Okay, you’d rather let her sit home and slowly become psychotic??? Of course, now she’s working at a day care which must be okay, cause it’s “women’s work”. Amazing.


bunny, your guy sounds like a gem.
unfortunately, my latest set of in-laws managed to do more damage on my ex than your hubby’s did.

“C” was always running home to momma…“Kelli’s mean to me, she wants me to get a job, stop getting stoned all the time and she expects me to talk to her too!”
mama would stuff his empty head into her tiny bosom and reassure him what a great guy he was…what a complete bitch I was for nagging him, how I thought I was better than them because I use big words…(I am better than them, but that is not why! They are inbred knuckledragging rednecks who think reading is a waste of time, and hey…desert your kids…no problem, just so long as you get to have fun!)
anyhoo…they finally convinced him…well, actuall it was boxing day, 97, and I had a headache or something…didnt help tidy up because his parents were coming over…had a fight ( not even a big one) he was gonna leave, we talked,he decided he would look for a job, but wanted a few days to relax (from what I cant imagine-hadnt worked for over a year)he said he would be back in a couple of days (before New YearsEve for SURE!) any way, the eve rolled around, and when I finally reached him, (730-8pm) he had already had a few drinks, and I told him, "if you are not here by midnight…dont come back.If I start the year alone…well, than I start it alone.
He thought I was bluffing…now, almost 2 years later and approx. 3 reconciliation attempts later…its really over, I have dated (meaning ‘got me some’) over the last 2 years, but now I am with someone, and I really have feelings for him…he makes me laugh…loves my kids…helps out when he comes over…he’s my best friends uncle, so I know the family already…and most of all, every time he talks to me, he * asks how MY day was!* how awesome is that?

now my first marriage was even more of a disaster! I was 20, he was 30, and he really knew how to manipulate me. he talked me into this rushed little wedding, I had just turned 21, and within a week, he turned crazy…violent, possessive, jealous. Sure NOW I know the signs were there all along, but I was stupid at that age, and I missed them.
I had decided to leave him (this was a couple of weeks into the marriage) I was embarrassed, and was trying to figure out the least humiliating way to get out of it…when I found out I was pregnant. Well, it seemed like the thing to do and I stayed…we lasted about 100 days.My aunt (bless her!) stopped by to visit in the middle of a screaming fight…he stormed out, and I looked at her and siad “I hate him, I really fuckin’ HATE him!” she calmly told me to get out BEFORE the baby…or I would never get away.I tried several times to leave, but we lived on a secluded country road, and if he thought I was going, he would pull all the wires on the distrib cap under the hood.once when he went out to do that, (he had already torn the phon from the wall) I locked the door, and tried to get to the other phone…he broke the door in, and pulled the other phone out too.
Anyway, I never got far…he always harrassed me into staying.
The night I left/escaped is a horrible blur…I was a my best friends place (yes the same one as above) watching movies with her & her mom…very innocent, he kept calling all night to check on me. around 10-11, he came to get me, and the screaming started befor we got off the street. He was driving like a madman, I was screaming at him to stop, let me out etc, it was awful.I started cramping, and I thought I was loosing the baby (whom I desperately wanted) and he showed no concern at all.we finally got to our place, and he got out of the car telling me I could leave if I wanted too.(he had the car keys) I sat and watched him walk to the door, and as he inserted the key to unlock it, I slammed down the car locks, and pulled out the spare keys he didnt know I had.
I swear…if I live forever, I will never forget the rage on his face…he ran flat out to the car ( it wasnt far) but the windows were up, and the doors locked so he stood behind me trying to prevent me backing up, I did anyway, slowly ( I wish I had gone fast though).
and I got away.
I hid from him for years…
Looking back now, I can see the hold he had on me, best shown the night after I got away…my parents took me back to get my stuff, and he was there, before he left, he said “well, give me a kiss,” and I did!—Fucked up!

well…Enough for now.

The grass is pretty damn green on my side of the fence…

My husband and I have been through more before we were married than most married couples have to slog through by the 25th year and dealing with aging inlaws and family tragedies. While we were dating his parents were in a terrible accident that left his dad paralized from the mid chest down and his mother nearly lost her left leg below her knee and she had some severe head injuries. I wasn’t going to ditch him because sitting at the hospital or helping out with the Insurance Woes was not as much fun as going out to the movies or the bar. I was there every step of the way ( as was his sister’s boyfriend-now-hubby) Sure, there was plenty of times I (and my brother in law) were fifth wheels and we wandered the hospital corridors or went back to their family house to clean and organize, but our own expertize ( or just not being personally involved with the entire affair and able to think more clearly) in certain areas really helped out when dealing with the doctors, lawyers and insurance buttwipes.

Long before this accident, I told my husband that I would be the one who would be taking care of my mother in her old age. I’ve known this since my brothers were given the death sentance of MD diagnosis when I was the age of twelve. I didn’t really like this thought at that age and it’s a pretty morose thought for someone who didn’t have any boobs yet, but what in the hell can I do about it? No one else will be around to care for Ma and she deserves the world after the heartache she has endured. He knows this was/is a part of the package plan. Just as I knew when he proposed to me seven months after his parents accident that his parents will always need extra help physcially around the house and mentally with either the GD paper work and the way insurance tries to screw them over or emotionally with his Mom who wears her emotions on both her sleeves and if she doesn’t take her prozac ( because of the accident) she cries at the drop of a hat.

After the above, it is kinda mute point to argue over the toilet paper/seat issues of life. I mean, after an accident/heart attack/near death experience, who in the hell cares which direction to hang the stuff as long as you are still around to use it!

Marriage is not all smooth roads. Any one who tells you differently has their head up their ass. You cannot always get your own way in a relationship and if you did, then you cannot possibly have any respect for your mate because you are stepping all over them. When you agree to marry, you agree to accept the baggage that comes along with your mate.Period. Some baggage will get smaller, some will get lost.Most, however, will stay with you forever. If you can’t deal with X issue(s) before marriage, then it’s really going to pucker your butt after a couple years of wedded bliss.

My only beef (baggage) with him, and I’ve never said this to his face ( but his sister agrees with me on one count), is that he is a total mama’s boy and a sisters boy. I never realized just how much of a Mama’s boy he was until after we were married. His mother is emotionally very weak and she does not receive any support from her daughter. Now if I tell him his sister is being a selfish so and so overa specific issue that his mother and I agree on, he always defends his sister. It took me nearly 12 years (it’s gotten really bad since his sister married four years ago) to figure out why this bothered the living crap out of me and I realized it wasn’t his position that I was annoyed with. (He is a neanderthal at heart and protecting his women folk in his life.) It was his mother not being able to stand up for herself and his sister using her family as she chose and THEM allowing them to be USED. Since I’ve realized this little nugget, it doesn’t bother me (as much) anymore. ( He does defend me too to them, but only if I am not around to defend myself. If I am there, I am more than capable of stating my point of view and sometimes I;ll do it nicely too.) He is really big on family loyalty, something that I think the Mob would appreciate, but this family uses his generosity, kindness and buidling skills too much and that’s where I step in to be the bad cop.

People change not because they see the light but because they feel the heat.

I left because one day I realized I was not happy, and - worse than that - I realized I couldn’t even remember what would make me happy. He wasn’t a bad man, he was just the wrong man for me.

The reason gentlemen prefer blondes is that there are not enough redheads to go around.

{{{And if you are divorced, what took you so long to do it?}}}—Kelli

I loved her, and had convinced myself that she wasn’t really cheating on me. I adored my children, and I still adore them.
{{{What finally made you say “ENOUGH!!NO MORE!!” and bail?}}}—Kelli

When I discovered that all of our financial assets had mysteriously disappeared. I investigated the matter, and hers was the only signature on the paperwork. I confronted her and she denied that she did it and suggested that I had closed our accounts and had forgotten about it. Right! Forget about the 80K? Not likely.

My brother talked some sense into me and I slapped a restraining order on her, restricting her travel when I filed for the disso.

She and her cop boyfriend tried filing spousal abuse charges against me. He was at the house, gun drawn and pointed at me, when I got home from work. I hadn’t seen her for more than a week.

The case was thrown out of court, and 3 cops ended up going to jail as a result–including her boyfriend of 2 years.

Two years later, after she had gone through 22 boyfriends, (No, I’m not kidding!) she wanted me to take her back. Best laugh I ever had! I turned around and slammed the door in her face.

(The Original EnigmaOne)
Common ¢ for all ages.

With Ferrous Wheel confessing and the above tragedies, maybe we need (someone call up the big shots) another forum, relationships.
I just read, I have no major dirt to report.

enigma one…jees…did you at least get the kids???

I am about to leave. I really am. I’ve been with this guy for 15 years, married for 11.
When I met him, I really liked his parents, they were professional people, well-to-do.
D. was a casino dealer with a bad back. His parents felt he wasn’t working up to his potential–that he should finish college–he kept changing his major and never finished. By then his back went bad. Now, I understand he was/is in pain a lot.But I guess I would admire a person more if they, when faced with a problem, would say to him/herself “I will not let this ruin my life.” He is now 46, getting SS disability payments and is a couch potato. Seriously, I work full time as a teacher and he sits around the house for hours at a time, watching tv. He even eats all his meals in front of the tv laying (lying?) down.
I decided I wanted a kid and we have a daughter. She is 5 and bright and wonderful. This is a decision I will never regret making. But see–he “let” me have a kid. So while I was pregnant, he was very negative and unsupportive.
Then, two years ago I decided to go for my Master’s. Since D. would have to watch our daughter one weekend per month, while I attended my classes, he was very angry and unsupportive. Because he said he values his free time and I guess one weekend a month would cut into his time getting drunk. Never mind that having a masters’ would help me make more money and get more retirement.
In the past 6 months I have read 3 books on verbal and emotional abuse. And I found out that I don’t have to be miserable. In the past 5 years I was in a close friendship with a guy who is 11 years younger than me. Now, this guy and I did not have a physical affair. But he was kind and respectful to me. He made me laugh and was constantly telling me I was smart and good looking. He is married and while, I’m not crazy about his wife and think he could do better, I am not trying to steal him away. I think this guy’s function was to show me how I should feel in a relationship.
I finished my Master’s and withdrew money from my Tax Sheltered Annuity. I am planning to move out in the next few weeks with my daughter and am looking for a house to rent.
As for relationships, I’ll probably change my mind someday, but I am presently in the love=pain mode.
And yes, my sig line does have a lot to do with my current situation.

“Any major dude with half a heart surely will tell you, my friend–
Any minor world that breaks apart falls together again…”
-Steely Dan

good for you gail…it is gonna be so much EASIER than you think! your daughter is not a baby, you only have the one…you are gonna be fine, no cancel that, you are gonna be SPECTACULAR!!!
and ‘little gail’, she is gonna grow up thinking women can be strong, successful, and that they can ‘make it’ on their own…
honey if you need any support, you’ll get it here!
good luck, I am rooting for you. :slight_smile: