Anybody want to share their thoughts on when to give up on a six-year, no-kids, no-sex, being-together-is-like-fingers-on-a-chalkboard marriage?
I want out but she doesn’t. I don’t want to just walk out and leave her alone, but I don’t want to spend my life in a loveless marriage, either.
So I’m curious when others decided the time had come to divorce.
A marriage isnt too different from any other longstanding intimate relationship.
If you dont feel that the effort that it would require to fix the marriage is worth the marriage itself, it’s time to walk.
Is it worth almost anything to you to fix it? If not, get out.
And ya know… sometimes getting out the mean way is the best idea.
I had a boyfriend just up and leave me once. I was still completely in love with him. and Boom. He was gone.
But it gave me a focal point. I hated him. It really discounted the time we spent together… which made it alot easier to move on… I mean… why would I pine for an asshole who obviously doesnt care about anyone but himself?!
(Sidenote: He knew exactly what he was doing. He’s a good guy… he figured it’d be easier if he could just be the bad guy so I’d have someone to blame. Weird logic. But it worked.)
The worst thing you can do is drag it out and give the other person false hope. She wont even start the healing process until things are over.
However, if its worth the effort to save the marriage… come clean. Be honest with one another. Talk until you run out of breath. Seek counsel if need be. Alot of times that “nails on chalkboard” feeling that you get when you’re around someone is bred of resentment. Over time the both of you might’ve just let alot of things go. Things that really bothered you… but each in and of themselves werent argument worthy… so you just sort of swept it under the rug… but now the rug is way beyond full and there seems to be dust everywhere around it.
If either of you arent 100% prepared to be completely honest, regardless of the outcome… I would also say that its over.
Just my $1.34 worth.
This is a real tough question, and IMO, can only be answered by you. I also had a six year marriage, the last year of which felt like I was living with a roommate instead of a wife. I figured we were in a rut. Then the Navy sent me away for a couple months, and when I got back, she told me she’d seen a lawyer. She’d also, I found out, been fooling around with another guy. That’s when I knew it was over.
I think the cheating thing was her way of getting it over more quickly. I have to warn you, though, while it may be a good idea in some circumstances, it may also piss your SO off to the extent that the divorce is ugly. Parting on good terms definitely has its advantages when it comes time for court. Parting on bad terms can make the legal process bitter, lengthy, and expensive. She may get over you more quickly, but she may get even with you in the process.
I’ve never been divorced, but a close friend is ending her marriage, and it’s been a real eye-opener.
What she gave as the deciding factor was the death of her father-in-law. She said she noticed an almost immediate change for the better in her mother-in-law. She thought, “Do I want to wait for my husband to die before I can be happy?”
They have three kids, 18, 15 and 10. It’s not going well for my friend, her husband, or the kids, but when it’s over, it will have been worth it. (The stuff she’s finally revealing about her husband is mind-boggling.)
If it’s not going to get better, get out. There’s no reason to wait. Your wife won’t be any less alone ten years from now.
Uh…when you catch your wife/husband in a gang bang. 
It’s doubly over when the family dog is involved.
Well, I got out of my first marriage when my wife moved to Minneapolis to take a job. I just didn’t follow her.
After a year, I called and asked for a no-fault divorce. Pretty simple.
A marriage exists when both people involved agree that it does.
When one of them no longer agrees, the marriage is no more. It’s that simple, and unfortunately, that brutal as well.
Thanks. I appreciate the comments.
AuntiePam, your remarks really hit home. I find myself wondering how long I’m willing to delay being happy. But, since this isn’t a case of adultery or abuse or anything that I believe breaks the marriage vows, I also wonder if it’s serious enough to divorce. I mean, I did make a commitment, for better or for worse.
Flyboy, I’m tempted to cheat, partly because it would be a quick and easy way to make sure things were finally over.
Have you asked your wife why she wants you to stay? Is she as unhappy as you are? Is the sexless, childless marriage the reason for your unhappiness? Or is it something else?
I’m with Drastic – it sounds like the commitment is already over. Even though you haven’t left physically, in your mind, the marriage is over. Especially if you’ve considered adultery.
I hope it doesn’t sound like I’m encouraging you to end it, but marriage is more than just two people living together and sharing expenses. If you aren’t committed to each other, then all you have is a partnership.
The advice given here is terrific and I have little to add except a suggestion that you both try one little excercise:
Go over the vows you two made when you were married. Ask each other if you still love and honor and cherish each other. Insist she be honest and answer truthfully how she really feels (you, of course, do the same).
And one more double-penny’s worth - get thee to a marriage counselor. I mean both of thee. That may prove very worthwhile and go well towards discovering what has changed so drastically to get you from six years ago being “I’m deleriously in love with you and want to spend the rest of my life with you” to today feeling “During my time with you I find myself wishing I was having root-canal work done”. Even if you think you already know the answer, it would be worth it to talk it out with someone. If she isn’t willing to go, go by yourself - you will still get some answers.
According to Richard Jeni:
[quote]
50 % of all marriages end in divorce. But, hey! The other half end in DEATH. You could be one of the lucky ones.
[quote]
That is a true mystery.
For one thing, I think she has very low expectations for marriage. Her parents’ marriage is terrible – full of hostility and distance. So I honestly think she expects us to be hostile and distant. It’s just the way things are, in her mind.
So while I’m frustrated by the gulf between us, she’s just vaguely dissatisfied. And I think the same is true about the lack of sex and affection.
Basically, she seems to be OK with things so long as we’re speaking, living in the same house and not violent. “Partners” instead of spouses, as Auntie Pam said.
We tried counseling once. She wasn’t interested. I went a few times by myself but found the process difficult. Forced me to think about too many touchy private issues. But I should give it another try.
I was married for a little over two years and we were more like roommates than husband and wife. He worked night and I worked days and he would stay awake until I got up to go to work, then he would go to bed so we never slept together. This was fine by me because the thought of having sex with him literally made me nauseous. It took me about 1 1/2 years to get enough courage to tell him I wanted him to move out and I wanted a divorce. He wanted to go to counseling and try to work it out but I told him I didn’t love him and I didn’t want to be with him anymore… I just wanted out. That was hard for him to hear but what would be the point of being married to someone who didn’t love you or care about you. My main concern was my daughter’s happiness and I’m sure that she wouldn’t be happy growing up with a mom and dad who couldn’t stand to be around each other, who weren’t affectionate to each other, who didn’t talk to each other, who basically didn’t give a shit about each other. I wouldn’t have been a good role model for her if I stayed in that marriage. I don’t regret getting divorced, I regret ever getting married. Hindsights 20/20 though… we all make mistakes. Fortunately, this was one I could correct.
My advice is to do whatever it takes for you to be happy. Life is too short to be in a miserable marriage. You should be with someone you’re totally and completely head-over-heels in love with. If you’re not committed to each other and you’re more like roomates splitting the rent, what’s the point of being married any longer? You don’t have children to consider so you can make a clean break and start all over.
When the pain overcomes the fear----that’s when it’s over.
He didn’t drink, he didn’t do drugs, he didn’t beat me up: he didn’t like me, we didn’t have sex, he didn’t work much.
It took me years to leave. But I decided to do it the hard way—no cheating. He wasn’t much, but I felt he deserved me to leave him with his honor, and in an honorable way for me. I told my mom just when I thought I was at the end of my rope, I’d find more rope and I wouldn’t leave him. She said I’d find the end of my rope. I’d reach and there’d be no more. The emotional process of leaving him took years, while we were still married and living together, so the night I ran out of rope, I went to bed and left in the morning. I was scared and uncomfortable—I’d never been alone, got married at 20, but I’ve never regretted it.
That was 5 years ago. I got a lot of counseling. A lot of sucky dates. Some good ones. I didn’t leave him for another man, but for the hope of another man. You have to go where there is hope. If there is no love, sex, friendship, laughter, goodness, productivity where you are, you will not get those things. You may not know where those things are, but they are not where you are now. And you can’t be the only one who wants those things. If your wife doesn’t want them, she can’t give them to you. It’s hard, but ask her. If she’s too afraid to find them with you, go find them for yourself.
Clark, haven’t gone through it myself, so can’t offer first hand advice.
Close friend of mine did, though, so I can offer second hand advice: DON’T CHEAT TO GET OUT OF IT!! That’s what happened to my friend - and it caused so much bitterness and hurt, much worse than would be the case if her hub had just told her he wanted out. There’s a reason it’s called cheating.
Having helped my friend on the recieving end, I highly respect Cyn and her approach: “I felt he deserved me to leave him with his honor, and in an honorable way for me.” Going through a divorce isn’t a pleasant experience, but you should do it in a way that you can respect yourself afterwards, even if that isn’t the quickest way.
You have to work to make a marriage work…and both people have to do the work. Sometimes, one person will work harder, and sometimes the other will, but both need to be willing to do the work to hold it together.
Sounds to me like your wife isn’t willing to do any work to keep the marriage together, nor is she willing to let it go.
Seperate. Move out. Let her think about putting some effort back into the marriage…if she isn’t willing to meet you half way (i.e. start seeing a counselor, making the effort for pleasant dates during your seperation) its time to talk to the attorney. But unless you do something, she likes the status quo. Seperation isn’t walking out a leaving her, its more putting her on notice that her performance needs to improve.
A marriage is over when one or both of you decides you no longer have the energy to put into it to making it work. My wife and I were about to throw in the towel after 10 years and two children. We found out about a special weekend for couple about to separate, divorce, move out of the house, etc… We attended and found we found out that we still wanted to have a go at it. I have not felt so in-tune with her as I do now in 4 years. Here is a link for what it’s worth. http://www.retrouvaille.org/
There is a ton of information on the site. It is Christian based, but it not required or shoved down your throat.
After the weekend, you both will know if is worth the work needed to have a good marriage.
It’s over when that witch starts sleeping with guys from the army post 'cuz she’s attracted to the uniforms.
Huh? Wha-’?
Oh, sorry.
Bad flashback there.