For those of you have been through it, how did you know it was time to call it quits? How long did you give the relationship before the desion was made? What was the basis of your decision? Do you have kids? What, if any, adverse affects have they shown?
Do I ask too many questions?
First off, Welcome to the boards. I am assuming you are not as old as your name implies. 
I have been divorced 2 times. Both times it was not hard to make the decision. First marriage, wife ran off with another man. Second marriage, wife had no less than 20 affairs with different men. I have absolutely no idea what she thought the other men had that I didn’t have, but oh well. Possibly one thing, but we won’t go there. Good riddance (sp?) to both of them.
They say that the third times’ the charm. Well, if I could only find #3, I’d know if that were true.
Kids? Yes. First marriage = 2. Second marriage = 3. Note: second marriage, I raised the kids from 1st grade to present. (Boy now 20. Twin girls now 18). Wouldn’t have had it any other way, just for the record.
For Christians, there are basically two times:
[list=1][li]Spouse commits adultery.[/li][li]Unbelieving spouse departs.[/li][/list=1]
Neither circumstance requires divorce. God prefers reconcilliation.
An excellent website to visit is Marriage Builders. It has special forums about divorcing, resolving conflict, infidelity, why women leave men, etc.
Or when one spouse is emotionally/mentally/physically/sexually abusive. I don’t care what the reasons are. Repeated abuse should not be tolerated, by either person in the relationship. Especially if there are kids involved or present.
how did you know it was time to call it quits?
After 4 1/2 years of him cheating, being abusive, etc. I begged him to give our son (at that point 14 months old) a bath. Ben (the baby) was screaming (he didn’t like baths) I heard a slap. and went in to see a huge handprint on Ben’s back. I demanded he hand Ben over. He said to me “maybe you should divorce me, then” I thought “Yep”.
How long did you give the relationship before the desion was made? I had tried for 4 1/2 years to make it work. put up with alot. that was the final straw, and there was no way I was going to subject either of us to any more from him.
What was the basis of your decision? He was abusive to both me and now my son, He cheated. He did not pull his share of responsibilities (financially, housework, child care etc.) Why stay?
Do you have kids? one.
What, if any, adverse affects have they shown?
when we first separated, (Ben was only a baby), he wouldn’t go to sleep alone anymore. This lasted for about a year, then one night he just said “I go to sleep in my own bed” and did so ever after, There have been some other issues with his dad since then, for which I’ve taken him to counseling. For example: Twice he told Ben, when Ben was 3 and again at 5 that his dad was going to get custody, each time, there was some fallout with Ben; when his dad went through his next divorce, it was even more abusive, I found out that Ben would hide beneath his bed during their fights, and he told me that it was a good idea for his step mom to leave since “it wasn’t safe for her there” - he was six.
Before anyone asks, no, there was no way that I could deny visitation. Even the one slap I witnessed wouldn’t have been sufficient cause to deny visits.
Other ramifications: Our son is now 16 and because I’ve had to financially struggle to raise him, I will be unable to help him financially to go to college.
Positive ramifications (you didn’t ask, but I feel obligated):
I have a terrific son, and an enviable realationship with him. Without having married the guy, I wouldn’t have had this experience. The dynamics of mom and child alone are very different than if there’s another adult around.
Because both my son and I exited that place relatively early in his development, we avoided potentially serious damage to both of us, physically as well as emotionally. This is not to deny some of the issues my son has had to deal with. The fact that he only spent, on average 40 days a year with his dad was better than if we’d been there full time.
If you had a chance to talk to my son, you would be amazed. He’s 16, and already has some highly developed, and ethical stances regarding relationships, how to treat women, how to raise kids. Because of the dichotomy of the two households and the differences, he’s developed quite a stance on these issues. Also, because he has gone 'tween two households consistently since very young age, he has never had difficulty meeting new people, learning new situations, spending time away from parent. He’s a very outgoing and friendly person, enjoys new experiences etc. Emotionally very healthy.
When you reach the point of no return - you will know it. When I told my first husband to leave it was because I didn’t want to deal with the emotional abuse anymore (which included everything from cheating on me, to doubting that our dauther was really his baby, to accusing me of being a lesbian because I wasn’t interested in having sex with him anymore, as well as a host of others). Our daughter was 2 years old and he helped very little with her - refused to help bathe her, feed her, change diapers, etc. I held a job and he sat on his rear end all day and night, and always complained if I asked him to help me with anything.
My daughter is now 10 and is (as any mother would say) a wonderful child. She’s smart, talented and very creative. She visits her dad every summer (he moved out of state) and absolutely hates every minute of it. Like Wring’s ex, he is in a very volitile relationship - not married thankfully - and this past summer my daughter witnessed a lot of fighting, both verbal and physical. She begs me not to send her to him, but I don’t think I can do anything about it.
I couldn’t imagine my life without my daughter, but I hate the fact that I am forever bound to this person that I was once married to and, frankly, never loved.
I have been remarried for almost 5 years to a man I love very much. I hope that my daughter is learning more from our happy relationship than she is from her dad’s bad relationship.
Anyway, sorry for rambling…
Maybe she’s learning a lot from both. The right way and the wrong way, from which she’ll be a better person and spouse.
Welcome to the Straight Dope, Father Time. Since this question defies a definite answer, I’ll move the thread to our forum In My Humble Opinion* for you.
Good luck with everything.
Welcome aboard, ** Father Time. ** You are going to get so many various answers, and the only one that can answer if for YOU, is you.
If there is addiction, abuse, or alcoholism, the person is choosing death over you, which is no marriage at all.
If it is just the deterioration of a relationship, you keep trying, till you can safely say, that the partner ISN’T participating. Then I’d begin discussing a separation, if there aren’t kids. If there are? Are you fighting a lot? Is there so much tension, the kids would be better off with just one parent? Are you ever afraid for their safety or yours? You then get out.
HOWEVER, there are cases, and this is mine. The ‘husband’ simply doesn’t want to be a husband, but he doesn’t want to leave either. He decides he only wants to think of his work, and himself, and that’s it. I’ve got two sons with this man, and I home schooled them both. One is twenty and in his third year of college and needs his father’s financing, my youngest is sixteen and still has a few more years to go. When THEY are gone, I’LL BE GONE.
But, there is no fighting, he only writes me notes left on the kitchen counter when he has anything he wants to say. Is this destructive for my kids? It certainly isn’t the healthiest thing for them to see, and it’s a gamble, judging it to be better to educate them and get them off on their own, but hey, that’s what most of life is, a gamble.
Good luck, whichever way you decide.
Judy
Dear Judy-
If you don’t mind, I am going to start praying for you. You are a really wonderful, witty lady, and you deserve better. You are also intelligent, so I trust that you know what is best for you and your kids. I pray that someday you will have the relationship you deserve, after you have given your children the educational start in life that they need.
Here’s the best hug I can send in this medium, wish I could give you one IRL.
((((((((Judy)))))))
Cheri
Father Time, I have no wise words for you, just warm wishes that you will find the right answer for your future happiness and that of your family.
Scotti
I think that when it becomes more painful to stay than to leave, it’s time. Others were right when they say you will know. No one else can tell you, you will know.
[slight hijack]
Scotti, I’m not moved to tears very much, but you got me! Thanks for internet hug, it means a lot.
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Cheri}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
Judy
[/slight hijack]
FatherTime, welcome and thanks for asking the question. I think the abuse/cheating cases are on the more clear cut side of the continuum. Anti-pro’s is towards the other. How do you decide when you have grown so far apart that continuing is not worth it? How do you weigh unpleasantness vs. advantages of remaining married? I suggest kids and economics complicate the situation.
My situation: over the last year or 2 Mrs. D and I went through some rough times. To grossly simplify, I thought she was excessively critical of many things I did, and I resented that she essentially set down ultimatums that I quit or change certain behaviors. I also felt she did not acknowledge the positive aspects I brought to the relationship. To sum up, I had everything going for me, but was unhappy most of the time. When deciding whether to continue, and how to pursue whatever course of action, we had to consider our three kids age 9-12, and our current very comfortable lifestyle which is supported by my salary.
I am very glad we decided to work on things. We saw a counselor several times which gave us some insight and things to work on. And tho things have not been perfect, they are definitely much better, and I anticipate continued improvement.
So, all I can add is, a successful marriage takes a hell of a lot of work. And the time you have to get out is when your partner is unwilling to work at it. Believing we only get this one go around, I feel you don’t want to piss your life away in a relationship that makes you unhappy, even if that is the “easier” choice.
It’s really way more complex than this, but I made the decision with one major criterium:
I decided divorce was best the second I looked into my future and did not see the possibility of happiness because of certain differences and issues with my wife.
The moment I couldn’t see the changes that needed to take place in our relationship as even possible, I had no choice but to leave.
This does not say that, until that moment, even when close friends thought I was nuts to stay, I worked my ass off and tried as hard as I could to make things work. And literally the second before the epiphany which made me realize that there was nothing more than I could do, I was still working and trying and crying.
Even after you stop working and trying, you’ll probably cry some.
Yer pal,
Satan - Commissioner, The Teeming Minions
*I HAVE BEEN SMOKE-FREE FOR:
Five months, two weeks, four days, 12 hours, 59 minutes and 56 seconds.
6861 cigarettes not smoked, saving $857.70.
Extra life with Drain Bead: 3 weeks, 2 days, 19 hours, 45 minutes.
*“I’m a big Genesis fan.”-David B. (Amen, brother!) **
Father Time,
I personaly, am still far too deeply entwined in the same question to be able to give you any advice. I hope things work out for the best, whatever it is, and wanted you to know that there was someone out there who can empathise with your situation.
I’m sorry that you have to be asking the question.
I can’t imagine having a more difficult or heartbreaking decision to make. I hope that whatever solution you find is the one that leads to ultimate happiness for the both of you.
All my best.