I think this is a great way to put it. Until this year, option A seemed very appealing to me and option B looked like a version of hell. I need me time! Freedom! No screaming! But gradually that changed, and now B looks awesome to me. I grew up in a wonderful family, and so did my husband, and I just know now that the rewards will outweigh the costs.
I think the truth is probably somewhere in the middle, as it almost always is. Yes, quite a few people regret having kids, and no, they probably won’t admit that to many people, and far from everyone regrets it (but a significant number do).
I recall a study (but have been unable to find it again :smack:) that measured happiness levels in couples. It found that couples without children tended to stay at a relatively steady happiness level, while couples with children experienced a sharp drop when the child was very young, then over the years, steadily climbing back up to reach previous happiness levels as the child grows.
That said, I believe that if you consciously choose your path, you’re more likely to be happy with it. If you drift into it without thought, you may be more inclined to regret it, or feel unsatisfied or trapped - and that goes for those with and those without children.
I’ll bow out now, since I couldn’t find a cite for that study and I don’t want kids, so I’m not what the OP is after - just wanted to add to the side discussion about regret. And I agree that the Landers study is useless for measuring parental regret, but useful for highlighting an issue that, socially, isn’t ever talked about.
Truthfully, I never even thought about NOT having kids. I knew being childless was an option, but it just wasn’t ever on my horizons. My boys were both oopsies as I waited for the “right” time, but it just wasn’t a concept in my head that I wouldn’t have them. (And this with me being almost rabidly pro-equality, family planning, and sorta “crunchy” as it’s said…) I fully expected to be a mother. I wasn’t sure about being a wife, or a career (little c) woman, but I was always going to have kids. Of course, I was only going to have TWO, and #3 is on her way. Maybe I’m making a replacement for someone that can’t have any.
It was something to do.
I’m not a parent, but I know that if you asked my brother that you might as well be asking him why does he want to breathe. Being a Dad is his vocation, the idea that makes him feel fulfilled. Our cousin climbed mountains, our brother fights banks over commisions, I solve organizational problems, and Middlebro is a Dad.
The years when his wife was terrified of having children for medical reasons but refused to consider adoption meant horrible anguish for him; the day she got back the “all clear” from the genetic test and said “ok, I’ll stop taking the pill tomorrow” was the happiest day of his life to date (he’s had at least four happier days now, they have two kids).
I never considered not having kids either. They are the absolute most important relationship you can have in my mind trumping all others several times over including spouses. I always wanted at least one daughter because there are too many boys in my family and I got two of them. Sounds good to me and I am done but I never regretted it for a second although the first was very hard when she was tiny. I certainly don’t think that people should have kids if they aren’t sure about it but the question doesn’t make much sense to me personally. I didn’t know every little detail going in but I did know generally what I was getting into and it was all intentional.
Actually, not quite. There’s negative and positive stresses. People thrive under the right kind of pressure, get sick under the wrong type. Which is the right type and which the wrong type varies by person.
The very same person can love the stress at some moments or in some ways and hate it in others.
Like public speaking. I hate it in some ways, but have to do it on occasion. Before it there is always a sense of dread; during and afterwards, a sense of euphoria and accomplishment.
With kids, there is likewise moments of dread and moments of euphoria and accomplishment. A life without them would clearly have a lot less stress - the lows - but also miss out on the highs. Whether the highs are worth the lows is of course an individual and subjective issue: a life without kids would, I submit, be “flatter”, with less euphoric highs and less terrible lows. I supect that the terrible lows are more likely to trigger depression in people suceptible to it than simply living a “flatter” life.
But to get back to the OP: one of my reasons for wanting kids was that I’ve always been the sort who wants to experience the widest possible variety of stuff, and not experiencing this major facet of the human experience would, to me, have felt like a deprivation. Of course, one the kid was actually on the scene, my own motives became less important - one of the effects of being a parent is the unusual (to me) experience of realizing that I was now a part of someone elses’ story, not simply the protagonist of my own …
Option B brought tears to my eyes - that’s exactly how I feel. We don’t have kids yet, but plan on starting a family next year, all being well - we want to find a house first. But for me, the waiting is so hard. This is going to sound weird, but I miss the kids we don’t have yet. Last Christmas (I love Christmas and always make a big deal of it) I could almost see them, running around, getting into everything, demanding to lick the spoon of whatever I was cooking. I got broody at the age of 20, I’m 31 in a few days time, and while I do think we’re doing the right thing by waiting till we’re settled and can provide them with a good home, every year I don’t have kids gets that bit harder.
Having said that, if for some reason we can’t have them, I think we’ll be ok. My husband is my best friend, and we enjoy each other’s company more than anyone elses. If for some reason it doesn’t happen for us, I can see us having a brace of dogs, travelling more, making the most of having each other. And part of me wonders if and when kids do come along, whether I won’t sometimes miss it just being the two of us.
My husband’s attitude to having kids is different - he’s accepted it’s going to happen (I told him, very early on in the relationship, that if he didn’t want kids he had to tell me now, because it would be a dealbreaker for me), and is confident he’ll enjoy being a parent when it does - but he doesn’t focus on it to the degree that I do. He’ll be a great dad, though, when (if! I don’t want to tempt fate!) it happens.
I guess I’ll never understand the ‘always wanted kids’ concept, but the comments here are very interesting.
I didn’t want kids at all and was distraught when I found out I was pregnant with my first child. I’ve now got two children and don’t have a single regret about either.
If you have kids, it’s very unlikely you’ll ever regret it. If you don’t have kids, it’s very likely you’ll bitterly regret it one day.
It’s hard to articulate, but it’s something that I always knew. More of a felt sense than a logical point.
Sorry, my follow-up question was already answered above.
Cite?
I hope I don’t regret answering this question, but it’s the truth.
First, some background. When I was growing up, my parents didn’t like me. I’m sure they loved me, but they did not like me. After my parents divorced when I was 9/10, the situation got dramatically worse. I reminded my mother of my father who she hated, and I became the scapegoat in our new, three person family. (Mom, sis and me.) To make things a little more difficult, my father disowned me when I was 13. I truly had a difficult time in those years.
So when I was 17, I felt that I needed someone who would love me. Seriously.
So I went about doing everything I could to get pregnant by my total loser boyfriend. He was such a loser that I knew he would leave me when I got preggers. Problem solved, right? I have someone to love me, and get rid of loser boy all at the same time.
The only stand-up thing that man ever did was insist on marrying me! My mom, knowing what a loser he was, felt it was a suitable punishment for me, and also insisted on the marriage! In the end, I caved in to the pressure and married him.
Long story short, (too late, I know :)) I had a baby at 18, one at 19 and was divorced at 20.
<insert Paul Harvey here> And now, the rest of the story…
As bad as my reasoning was, in the end, it was the best thing I could have done. I honestly believe that if I didn’t have my kids young, that I would have wound up either dead or in prison. That’s the direction my life was going.
Once I had my girls, I realized what an awesome responsibility I had taken on. I also realized at what a disadvantage I had started their lives at. And I decided to try to make it up to them by being the very best mom that I could be. (Of course, Dad took off about four weeks after daughter #2 was born. :smack:)
Being their mother really straightened my ass out. Quit doing drugs and drinking. Went back for my high school diploma, even got a year of college in. And in the process, I started to gain some self-respect, and even self-love, though that took years.
Wow. It’s hard to believe that my eldest just turned 25, and my youngest will be 24 in October. I’ve come a long way, baby! 
I don’t have any yet, but I want them some day because I believe the world deserves my offspring.
When my best friend (at the time) and I were 13 and her brothers were 15 and 18, her mother told her that she wished she never had kids…
Shortly after she packed up her things and left my friend’s dad and their family and continued her life as a single woman. Like nothing ever happened.
Needless to say, my friend is FUCKED UP now. One of her brothers is in jail, too.
:mad::mad::mad:
My mother told me more than once that if she’d had a choice she would have only had two kids. Take a look at my username. The thing is, she was just telling me as a fact, or sharing her thoughts. Somehow, she never made me feel like she regretted me. Maybe it’s because she usually followed it up with, “Of course, I wouldn’t give any of you up once I had you, but you don’t miss what you don’t have.” It just seems a little strange to me that she could tell me that, and it never made me feel bad.
Anyway, to respond to the OP - I don’t know why I wanted children, I just know that I always did. I had a vivid dream when I was in first grade about being a mother. I think that feeling must just be hard-wired into my brain. And no, I don’t regret the three I have. There are things I might have done differently, but there probably would be in other circumstances, too. Of course, the youngest just turned 20 and I think I’m ready to move on to the next step here. We’ll have to see what that is.
I figure I’m so damn awesome that a little me would be super awesome!
I actually want to adopt. I feel that I have so much love to give, joy to share… and patience to try… that I’d love to give a safe, caring home to a child that needs one.