Why do farts smell different every time, and differently for different people? And why do dog farts smell worse than people farts? And why are men’s farts worse than lady farts? I’m sure it has something to do with a person’s chemistry and what they ate, but I’m considering something more important. Could I engineer my farts to smell better. Expiring minds want to know. Jeff “Ekorn” JohnsonwHY
You are correct, somewhat. Every person’s chemistry is different, and yes, you can engineer your emissions in either direction. Eat an egg salad sandwich and a quart of homebrew and you can peel paint.
Why do our own farts smell less bad than others?
Please. . . for the good of the rest of society. . . get a job and some semblance of a life. .
Moderator Note
Toastmaster, insulting remarks like this are not permitted in GQ, or other forums outside the Pit. No warning issued, but in the future refrain from taking potshots at other posters.
Colibri
General Questions Moderator
There is no higher aim in life than the sincere quest for knowledge, even if it’s knowledge about how to customize one’s fart fragrance. Dismissing or mocking seekers after knowledge is not The Straight Dope Way.
Personally, I think raw onions make about the worst post-digestion odor bombs, probably due to the sulfur compounds, but others opine otherwise.
Refried beens, pickled hard boiled eggs and beer are lethal. Broccoli and othe roughage seems to be pretty tame.
I challenge any man to rival the smell of my dainty lady farts. Ask my brother, he will confirm the room emptying mightiness of my output. 
Not “even” - especially.
I prefer cooked, but it is important (in my view) to combine volume with potency, and I prefer the onion effects to be understated rather than overt. Thus, for me, my wife’s cabbage/sausage/bean/onion soup strikes the proper balance between noises that wake the echoes with the proper paint-peeling, eye-burning corrosiveness so dear to the masculine heart.
I generally blame it on the dog.
Regards,
Shodan
There’s already discussion on farts smelling better or worse (as generally understood) in a general sense.
I think the OP may be more interested in the specific odors present and to what extent they can be predicted or engineered. E.g. would it be possible for an average person to make their farts smell like, say, maple syrup via a carefully planned regime of dietary changes, drug intake, and lifestyle factors?
E.g.
“Ok, these pills have <certain chemical> in them that is a major constituent of the characteristic odor of maple syrup, but to get the full flavor you also need <some other chemical> in a 3:1 ratio. You can get that chemical from aardvark meat, let me see how much you should eat <tap tap tap on calculator>. Umm, start with a half an ounce of grilled aardvark meat for dinner every night and see if that does it. If your farts smell too much like strawberires, you’re overdoing it on the aardvark and should cut down. If your farts smell more like a mixture of vanilla and old gym socks, add more aardvark.”
I’ll agree that dogs have some weapons grade gas. Our Great Dane, Gunner, has weaponized farts that will make you gag. Much more potent than any human smell I’ve ever come across. The smell is so distinct that you can’t blame him for one of your own, because mine are just to week to pass off as his.
Could you call refried beens “has-beens”?
d&r
The Master Speaks. And he is, of course, a font of information.
[QUOTE=Whoever we think Cecil was in 1982]
The characteristic fragrance of the fart is produced not by any of the aforementioned gases but by “minute amounts of volatile chemicals formed by bacterial metabolism of residual protein and fat,” we read. Persons whose flatulence is especially notable in this regard may be suffering from dietary maladjustment — for example, people with lactase deficiency who drink a lot of milk. Other foods said to produce farts of unusual pungency include broccoli, onions, cauliflower, cabbage, radishes, and raw apples. Not to give anyone ideas, but those seem like the perfect salad ingredients for an eventful sorority lunch.
[/Quote]
I used to work with a guy who would intentionally fart in front of people. I don’t mind someone being a guy and doing it sometimes. But if he had to toot he’d purposely come into a room full of people and blast in front of everybody. He did this multiple times a day, every day. People hated him for it.
One night we were told that on our next shift we had to drive down to Ohio and pick up a man that was arrested down there on a warrant for attempted homicide.
That morning I ate 5 pears for breakfast, cauliflower for lunch, and a can of generic chili before going to work! I gassed that sonovabitch for 300 miles! And I told him what I did before shift and why I did it!
Cured him of his habit! He actually ended up have a better work relationship with people after he stopped that.
It has to do primarily with diet. Hence the classic definition of a gourmet as someone who can smell another’s fart and identify what they had for dinner last night.
And here I must add an uncharacteristically entertaining entry from an old edition of The Merck Manual:
After my first upper endoscopy, the docs warned me about belching. They did not warn me that some of the air pumped into my stomach would exit the other end, resulting in awful farting that scared my cat out of a sound sleep.