[QUOTE=KneadToKnow]
Ever heard Dave Attell tell what he does before checking out of a hotel room?
[/QUOTE]
No I haven’t, and since I spend 150 nights a year in a hotel room, I’m almost afraid to ask, but I’ve got to. What does Dave Attell do before checking out?
As best I recall, he claims that he rubs the phone handset all over his genitals, then calls the room the next day and says, “Do you want to hear something that will make you never stop washing your face?”
[QUOTE=Vinyl Turnip]
Then there’s the “Visual Aids for Dummies”:
“John, I’m standing in front of [stretch of highway with cars passing normally, darkened courthouse, etc.], which you can see is quiet right now, but which only eighteen hours ago was the scene of…”
[/QUOTE]
Oh, I hate that, too! There’s absolutely no effing need to do “location reporting” when there’s nothing visually detectable going on at the “location!”
Of course there’s a need. They need to justify the half-million dollars they spent on their satellite truck. Every day that expensive mobile equipment sits in the parking lot is a day somebody in management pops another vein.
Here is what Channel 7 ‘news’ does every morning youtube link in Australia.
I have stopped casually mentioning that I hate these idiots on Channel 7 mornings because so many of my brain-dead co-workers love them.
You never know, you could always see an entertaining nugget like this one while watching the local news.
Hey, hey. I don’t want to step all over that other thread. WHich is all about local news.
If we’re going to bitch about the news lets keep it to the OP. And I really was talking about very specific things.
Hasn’t anybody else noticed what I was talking about?
[QUOTE=Gorgon Heap]
Hasn’t anybody else noticed what I was talking about?
[/QUOTE]
Absolutely!
[QUOTE=Bearflag70]
Only on the news does one refer to a fire as “the blaze”
[/QUOTE]
Or an earthquake as “the temblor” - or much worse, “the tremblor”.
Well, at least you were listening. 
Children’s Pillows: Death in White Satin!
Your Puppy: Beloved Family Pet or Breeding Ground of Killer Diseases?
Grandma: Beloved Family Member or Breeding Ground of Killer Diseases?
[QUOTE=Vinyl Turnip]
Then there’s the “Visual Aids for Dummies”:
“John, I’m standing in front of [stretch of highway with cars passing normally, darkened courthouse, etc.], which you can see is quiet right now, but which only eighteen hours ago was the scene of…”
[/QUOTE]
The one that really annoys me (which is quite similar to that):
News Anchor: More news on the Abducted Girl story: We’ve just received reports that a man has been arrested in connection with the case - police have refused to name him at present, but our sources suggest he may be a relative of the Abducted Girl - Police have also stated that there will be a press conference as soon as there is any further development. Let’s go over now, live, to our reporter, Rick Dickson, who is at the scene. Rick, what can you tell us?
**Reporter: **Yes, hello. Well, I can tell you that we understand a man has been arrested in connection with the case.
News Anchor: Is there any indication of his identity?
**Reporter: ** Not really - police have so far refused to name the man, although our sources suggest he may be a relative of the Abducted Girl.
News Anchor: Rick, can you describe what’s happening there now?
**Reporter: ** Well, nothing’s happening right now - although the police have stated that there will be a press conference at some point…
News Anchor: And when is that likely to be?
**Reporter: ** We don’t know for sure - only that they’ll call the conference as soon as there is any further development to report.
News Anchor: Is there anything else you can tell us?
**Reporter: ** Not at this time
News Anchor: Rick, thanks. And we’ll be going back to that story as soon as there’s any development to report about the arrest in connection with the Abducted Girl, of a man whom police have refused to name at present, but is believed to be a relative of the Abducted girl…
And then an hour later:
“We interrupt this broadcast to bring you this breaking news. Police have just confirmed that they have no announcement to make at this time, but that they will make an announcement as soon as they have something to announce. And now back to your program.”
[QUOTE=Cervaise]
And then an hour later:
“We interrupt this broadcast to bring you this breaking news. Police have just confirmed that they have no announcement to make at this time, but that they will make an announcement as soon as they have something to announce. And now back to your program.”
[/QUOTE]
You forgot this part:
I remember seeing a piece a few months ago where they had a helicopter over a courthouse where Britney Spears was supposed to appear. She didn’t show up, so they reported that while the helicopter circled and filmed the parking lot. As far as I could tell the story was essentially: Here’s a parking lot that Britney Spears is not in.
“We’re getting reports that there is a jet on approach that is having trouble with it’s landing gear. We now go to John McLegoManHair at the airport.”
“Thanks Julie. Yes, in about 20 minutes time, we expect the arrival of Flight 123…”
Wash, Rinse, Repeat for 20 minutes until the plane’s attempt to land is imminent
“Ok, the plane is about to touch down, it’s on approach and will be touching down shortly. Ok, it’s touching down. It’s touching down. It has touched down. The plane has touched down. The plane has landed and is slowing down now. The plane is slowing down. The plane has touched down and is slowing now, it is coming to a stop. The plane is coming to a stop. Ok, Julie, the plane has come to a stop, now. The plane has stopped, now. The plane is stopped”
In other words, the plane, despite fears of landing gear-related complications, has performed a completely routine landing and its occupants are obviously completely safe.
SO DON’T TALK ABOUT IT FOR ANOTHER 20 MINUTES. THERE IS NO STORY. IT’S OVER. Go to the weather already, sheesh.
[QUOTE=Bearflag70]
Only on the news does one refer to a fire as “the blaze”
[/QUOTE]
The smoke from said blaze could be seen for miles around.
How about this? A man/woman/child rescues a family/cute puppies/family and cute puppies from a blaze/flood/avalanche. The anchorperson always starts the story like this: “Joe Samaritan doesn’t consider himself a hero…” The rescuer is always just an ordinary person doing what’s right, just as someone would do for him if he needed rescuing.
On a side note, what did tornadoes sound like before trains were invented?
[QUOTE=tdn]
And in nearly every case, the actual news turns out to be no news at all.
[/QUOTE]
You mean like Good Morning America reporting on a startling study last year that shows that fat and calories aren’t just in what we eat, but potentially in what we drink too? :eek:
What did they do, interview some scientist who just stumbled out of a cold-war era bomb shelter to give us this eye-opening new study? For God’s sake, there’s information about fat and calories on the label of almost every damn thing you drink and has been for decades! Even water has a nutrition label to reassure you that it is calorie and fat (and everything else) free.
[QUOTE=elfkin477]
Even water has a nutrition label to reassure you that it is calorie and fat (and everything else) free.
[/QUOTE]
Well, except for that new-fangled designer water with the flavor and the vitamins that apparently has anywhere from 25-150 calories per bottle…might as well drink Coke.
Also annoying are when they brag about having an “exclusive” interview. That’s right, you won’t see on any other channel the interview with the window washer who fell off his platform and would have surely died if it wasn’t only five feet off the ground, plus the tips on how you can prevent deadly disasters if you ever want to wash your windows.
Equally amusing is when there’s a big sporting event, like the Super Bowl, and a channel that doesn’t have the rights to broadcast it will tell you how you won’t want to miss all the latest action AS IT HAPPENS by tuning in to their Super Bowl show.