I’ll be the first to admit that I do keep a magazine in my bathroom, for that rare occasion when I feel the urge to go but it ends up taking a few minutes to come out. But that doesn’t happen often. Normally, I want to finish and get out of there as quickly as possible. Think about it. You’re sitting there with a big pile of excrement just inches from your skin, and an unwiped rear to boot. Why not wipe, pull up, flush, wash your hands, and get out of the room you just stank up? What is appealing about sitting there and mulling over the morning paper?
I can accept that maybe some people, especially older people, need longer to finish their business than others. But consider the following. A few months ago, I entered the men’s room at work, all set to take a #2. Upon entering the room, I saw that the middle stall in the line of three was occupied. I hate having to take a stall right next to someone, especially when the room is otherwise empty and you know you’re going to hear each other’s disgusting sounds, but I really had to go, so I entered one of the other two stalls. I was hoping the other guy would be finished and about to leave, since what I could feel coming on seemed bound to make a good deal of noise. I knew I was doomed, however, when I heard the sound of a turning page from the other stall. I had a reader on my hands. Knowing such a weirdo might be there indefinitely, I figured I had to do my business regardless of the awkwardness. Because I moved my bowels slowly in the effort to minimize the noise, it took several minutes before I felt finished. I proceeded to wipe, flush, exit the stall, wash my hands, and leave the room, and the guy was still there. All in all, I may have been in that men’s room for as long as ten minutes–AND THE ONLY SOUND I EVER HEARD FROM THE STALL NEXT DOOR WAS THE OCCASIONAL TURN OF A PAGE! I couldn’t believe it. Since the guy was just calmly reading the entire time I was there, I had to assume he had already finished his business by the time I entered the room. In other words, he was sitting on an unflushed toilet with his pants down, happily reading a book, while a stranger two feet away spent ten minutes emitting disgusting gastrointestinal noises and odors.
Can anyone tell me what is the rationale behind such bizaare behavior?
A) He was major league constipated.
B) He’s nervous about making #2 in public and was waiting for you to leave.
C) He has nothing better to do than read on a public toilet. God bless him and more power to him.
GI noises and odors, in the words of Chief Inspector Clouseau, are all part of life’s rich pageant. It may be healthier to learn to laugh at such inevitable little embarassments. Or maybe it’s better to be uptight about such things. What do I know?
D) he could have been rotating the toad and waiting for you to leave so he could comince again.
E) he had a bungee jumper on his hands and was trying to let it fall on its own
F) he was at a really important part of the book and had lost himself in it
dead0man…who put an “I” instead of the second “he” in the sentence. I’ve also have never been caught strokin the monkey in a public bathroom.
I keep two books in the bathroom, paperback collections of short stories for those times when thngs just aren’t moving along as fast as they might. My son, a very healthy 12 year old, takes forever in the bathroom to do his business and always has. I guess he could polish his shoes—he used to sing—but reading a book is a way to pass the time while he passes…never mind.
Okay, it seems that so far I’m alone in considering the behavior I described as weird. So let me request a judgement on the following surely weirder behavior I have observed: taking your coffee into the stall with you. I have, at times, entered the men’s room at work and observed one of the cups dispensed by the coffee vending machine sitting on the floor in an occupied stall. Surely that is gross?
Yes, gross. “Don’t shit where you eat,” and likewise, don’t bring your coffee where you shit.
For suggested lavatory literature, I recommend any of the series of Uncle John’s Bathroom Readers.* Fascinating information, interesting articles, and they have these cool little factoids in the bottom border of each page.
*also suitable for the living room, bedroom, study, etc.
Aren’t you the guy who said there was a lot more public pooping going on than is strictly necessary? That was a truly immortal line.
However, I too am annoyed by what you describe, being a lover of privacy. I have a theory on what’s going on: I assume the bathroom in question is at work? People are hiding out in the stall; they might not even have their pants down or the toilet lid up. I have personally known at least two guys who got away with several 30-minute newspaper breaks per day this way. Still, it’s not the place I’d choose to read my newspaper.
Anyway, as per reading in the bathroom – it is the One True Righteous and Proper Way to eliminate. After all, reading in the bathroom is the default excratory behavior of humankind. NOT reading in the head is just short of perversion. When potty training youngsters, there best be a copy of Cat in the Hat or Blues Clues nearby, lest the child’s lavatorial development be severely arrested.
Arcite could not be Luongo as Luongo would have used his powers of control, planned out the occasion and pooped hours beforehand.
Pooping, for better or worse, takes me longer than a minute or two. (It’s not unusual for me to think I was done, and then a minute or two later be headin’ back for the John.) So I gotta stay on there long enough to be sure. Well, reading beats staring at the frogs on the shower curtain.
Since no one seems to have agreed with you, Arcite, I’ll chime in. I do not understand the fascination many men have with emptying their bowels. Some of them make such a production out of it. Maybe I’m blessed with a good digestive system, but it takes no more effort and little more time than urinating for me. I’m convinced that there is a direct correlation between how much time people spend thinking about their bowels and how efficiently they function. Maybe it takes longer because you’re not concentrating on the task at hand because you’re focused on your book.
I have to disagree with you here. I never waste any out-of-bathroom time thinking about bowel function, and sometimes things take a while to happen. Without the distraction of a book, slowly progressing events can take forever, and you are tempted to rush things along and strain too much, and we all know how much fun that can be. A book takes your mind off the passing time, and lets muscles relax and do their job, pun intended.
If you are so lucky that every poop is quick, efficient and identical, then god bless. But I live a more interesting life, with a varied diet and schedule and stress level. Every day is different, and every trip to the potty is different, too. And I read library books in there, too. I’m convinced that there is a direct correlation between how much time people spend worrying about germs and how inefficiently they resist them.
Difficult bowels = interesting life? I think that most people would think I lead an interesting life, despite the fact that my bowel movements are regular. People get so defensive when you criticize their toilet habits!
I laughed at the easy poop must equal boring life comparison, too.
tee hee
Anyhoo, I’m a quick, uh, eliminator. I’m usually done in five minutes, if that. Even so, I still prefer to read whilst on the throne doing number two.
Hubby, on the other hand, spends fifteen to fourty minutes in there. In the master bathroom, there’s a shelf dedicated to his reading material. I’m still facinated that one can spend so much time in the bathroom performing a function with gravity on your side.
