It’s not about taking pleasure in knowing that they feel badly for you. It’s being reminded that the reason they feel badly for you is that they care about you and want you to be happy. Knowing that I’m loved and cared for always makes me feel better.
It’s been referenced above the difference between a problem you want to vent about and a problem you want help to solve, but I’d like to spell it out further:
In this case, the problem is “I had my lunch stolen at work today.” That is not a problem that can be solved. The lunch is stolen, gone, cannot be brought back, they went hungry after anticipating their yummy tuna salad. No action taken in the future is going to change the fact that they got screwed today. This is a vent. Commiserate, don’t try to solve.
A related problem that CAN be solved, is “How can I keep my lunch from being stolen again?” If the venter seems like they’re also concerned about this problem, (“That’s the third time since November this has happened!”) then by all means, offer the cooler. But the key is, GIVE THEM TIME to vent first. Really. Let them vent, you might even leave them alone for a few minutes if they’re really mad, and then come back and say “Hey, I was thinking, I have a cooler you can borrow and keep your lunch at your desk if you like.” If you don’t let the pressure valve blow off steam before you try to close it, you run the risk of getting scalded.
Sometimes, if it seems they’re venting and not looking to solve an ongoing problem, you might still offer your advice if you just ASK first, “Can I offer some advice?” If they’re receptive, then offer it. If they say “No, I’m just venting,” then, keep it to yourself.
Yes, it’s very rude to interrupt someone who is selfishly directing their frustrations at an uninvolved party with helpful advice.
Well, I would absolutely do that first. I would say, “Oh, no! How awful! What kind of jerk would do such a thing? Has it happened before?” And make sure my friend knew that I sympathize with what a crappy thing has happened to her, because I would sympathize.
It’s not as if she left her wallet bulging with $100 bills out on her desk while she left her office for an hour – if it were stolen, it’s the thief’s crime, not hers, but it’s still a foolhardy thing to do. It’s not a foolhardy thing to put your tuna sandwich in a refrigerator. So I wouldn’t suggest she buy a cooler. I’d ask her questions to find out what is going on in her office, and if she wanted to talk/vent about it, I’d listen. If she didn’t, I’d just say I’m very sorry some jerk took her lunch.
Am I the only one who would be annoyed by someone pulling out a map when I complained about a lousy drive home from work? Unless I just got the job, I’m pretty sure I know how to get back and forth and have already considered/explored alternate routes.
So perhaps it’s the solution implying I’m stupid is what bothers me, rather than the lack of an empathetic response.
Really, never? I do all the time.
Being a good listener does not mean being a doormat. If the person endlessly prattles on about negative stuff, then absolutely change the subject or walk away.
But otherwise listen, validate, empathize, and move on to a happier topic – which might involve a solution.
“Honey, I got mugged on the way home. God, I’m still shaking. I’m freaking out. I can’t calm down.”
“I understand the nature of your concern. Statistically speaking, adults are at greatly increased risk of mugging when walking alone after 6 P.M. Let’s figure out how you can leave work earlier. Also, did you come down Chestnut past that parking garage? If you take the longer way around the block, it will be more crowded and better lit, so you’ll be less likely to be targeted in the future. I’m sure you didn’t do anything wrong, but acting very confident and assertive can also be an effective deterrent. Once you put these measures into effect you’re almost certain to be safe in this neighborhood. Now let’s cancel those credit cards and find you a new cellphone, and it’ll all be over. What… why are you crying, you selfish fuck?”
Normal people have feelings that exist separately from the thing that caused them. When they’re directing their frustrations at the “uninvolved party,” which is an interesting way to look at a marriage, they’re often talking about the feelings, and have already figured out the mechanics of the thing itself. People do that.
I wonder what those of you who claim not to buy into this phenomenon do at funerals. “You know, I’ve been reading a lot about necromancy.”
I’m a solver. And, I don’t like whiners. More guys than chicks tend to be solvers, as well. For that reason, I’m very glad I’m not into chicks.
You’re right. That is totally equivalent to “I hate people who chew gum loud!”
I’m dying to hear what kind of helpful advice you tried to offer for that one.
Nobody is saying it is.
Seriously. You were responding to a post about theft.
If your idea of another person venting is something that cartoonishly trivial, either you deal exclusively with awful people, or you have a cartoon view of the world.
I think he’s deliberately trying to misunderstand.
Not exclusively, but I encounter far more trivial complaints than those based on actual traumatic events. I’d hate to live your life if you encounter the opposite.
You do recall that the OP is about someone complaining about traffic, not an assault, right?
Yes I do. I also remember that it’s about a stolen sandwich.
Seriously, it’s OK to listen in any of those situations.
Wow. This may be one of the best posts I have ever read here on the topic of communication.
Most of the people who vent to me in person are either my spouse, close friends, or family, with occasional complaints from close coworkers. Presumably, I care about it when these people have a bad day, even if their complaints seem trivial to me. So, what does it cost me to give them some sympathy or just listen? It seems to make them feel better, and it doesn’t cost me anything but a little time.
Obviously, if you’re dealing with someone who complains incessantly about everything, it gets old, but listening to occasional venting, even if it is about an annoying coworker who was humming all day, doesn’t seem like that onerous a chore.
I have no objection to listening. I just don’t like people burdening me with their problems. I didn’t cause the traffic or steal your sandwich, and I wouldn’t let those things ruin the rest of my day, or burden others with my problem if they did. God invented alcohol for a reason. People who need to vent about their trivial personal problems ought to get drunk first and at least be entertaining when they do it.
Agreed, big thumbs up to Blaster Master as that post finally made it sink into my thick skull!