Why does everybody keep offering solutions when I just want to complain about whiners?!?!
Oh good! 
Last year a friend of mine was in a horrific traffic accident. It’s something of a miracle that she didn’t die. She sort of shrugged it off as something she didn’t want to burden me with. But I wouldn’t let her. For one thing, I was genuinely curious about what she went through, and for another, I could tell that she really did want to talk to somebody about it. I got her to open up about every detail. One thing that really bugged her was that most of her friends didn’t want to hear about it, as it was more than they could handle. She got a sense of who her real friends are. For my own part, I was really flattered that she trusted me enough to be that vulnerable. I felt really privileged.
To say that she was selfishly whining is to really diminish the experience.
I don’t recall offering you any solutions. I was merely dismissing your complaints as whining.
I’m tired of your histrionic responses to my caviling. Let’s go get drunk, this conversation will get much better
If I weren’t 38 weeks pregnant, I already would be.
You don’t have a problem with listening; you just don’t wanna hear it. Gotcha.
It sounds like you’re putting a lot of your own personal experience with people who gripe too much into your posts here, when the OP is asking about a different problem; people who gripe(whether too much or not) and get mad if you offer solutions. Hell, I’d find it dreadfully tedious if somebody got drunk before venting their spleen about trivial shit instead of finding it amusing, but that’s for personal reasons that don’t apply to your experiences. And it doesn’t apply here, because that’s* not what the OP asked about.*
ISTM that offering sympathy should be the default. If you’re complaining about something because you’re looking for solutions, you’re not going to be offended if I offer sympathy, but if you’re just looking for sympathy and I offer only solutions then you will be. Also, sympathy-seekers may be more open to solution-givers’ solutions if they get their needed sympathy first.
Well, you have to get drunk too for it to work right.
To the solvers: How do you respond when someone tells you about something good that happened to them?
I do provide a sweeping exception to pregnant women. Feel free to complain, whine, mewl, whatever. I shan’t offer any solutions.
Wow, thanks for the positive feedback. I’m glad I was able help out.
I’m a solver by nature, but I think I’m getting (a little) better about just offering sympathy without trying to propose solutions. The situation that still confuses me is when someone vents to me about how badly an issue makes them feel and then they make a point of saying that their bad feelings largely are due to not them knowing how to solve the problem. It’s hard for me to just sit there and only offer sympathy when my brain is so hardwired to think of solutions.
It’s even harder for me to be a good listener when even my offers of sympathy are somehow “wrong”.
Them: I feel like the only one who is going through this problem!
Me: You’re not the only one, I go through it too sometimes. It wouldn’t be surprised if lots of people are in the same boat, it’s just hard to know.
Them: You don’t understand! I am seriously %*^# and no one else has it as bad as me, so you saying that you can relate is really dismissing my feelings!
Me: ???
Yeah, so I can see where the OP is coming from. But I’ve also experienced the flipside problem of not being allowed to vent and be heard. So here’s another dialogue:
Me: I feel ignored at work and as though I’m getting passed over for projects for invalid reasons. I constantly feel like I have to prove myself capable just to get grudging acknowledgment. This is making me feel so tired and sad.
My ex: Have you asked your co-worker to share some of his projects with you? Have you asked your boss to include you more? Are you sure that you can do those other projects? What actions have you taken?
Me: GET OUT OF MY FACE!
Okay, that’s not quite what I said to him, but it was close. His response to my venting struck me as inappropriate for the reason that Blaster Master pointed out: the problem was that I didn’t feel respected on the job, not that I didn’t have enough projects to do. With his line of questioning, he was implying (at least to my ears) that I wouldn’t be in the predicament I was in if I had simply begged my co-worker and boss for more work to do. Which means he’s not really thinking intelligently about what I’m telling him; he’s just focusing on superficial details and not being sympathetic to my position. And that was the last thing I needed to hear after opening up emotionally to him.
Wait a minute? You mean when my friend called the other day about being stuck in traffic I wasn’t supposed to give her a Google traffic update, a traffic cam picture of the jackknifed tractor trailer and a Amazon ad for a GPS unit with real-time traffic information?
I’ve been sitting here trying to think of how I’d react if I were in your shoes, and I’m honestly coming up blank. “Them” is obviously in a place of irrationality, so speaking rationally to them would do more harm than good. How about “Wow, that must suck, what’s that like?”
That’s what I would do. What kind of GPS is that? It sounds like a great way to avoid getting stuck in traffic and then complaining about it later.
I think that’s probably what I should have said. But me asking “What’s that like?” implies I can’t relate to their problem, even though I feel that I can relate. So I’m being dishonest by playing dumb in this way. Frustrating.
you with the face, people like that annoy the crap out of me. Sorry, I didn’t realize I was talking to the female version of Atlas, what with the weight of the world on your shoulders and all.
Good point. “What’s that like for you?” I can relate, but want to know your personal experience of it.
And it’s hard to tell sometimes how someone will react. I was on a blog the other day, and the Saddest Guy in the World was there, and no one has ever ever been in his position. The more people tried to talk sense into him, the more unique he got.
But a few weeks ago a rather sad woman was complaining, and we told her that everyone goes through what she was, and she was pretty uplifted to know that she wasn’t alone. It’s hard to predict.
To a complainer, the problem isn’t the point. The point is how they feel about the problem. The problem is usually past tense, but the feelings are present tense. Even if the problem is still present tense, fixing the problem doesn’t fix their feelings.
At least that is my take after confronting this issue from the solver side for nearly half a century.
You won’t necessarily know – at least, not right from the start. That’s why the most important thing to do is LISTEN rather than speak. More on that below.
Exactly right.
Now, some people do seek solutions. Others just want to know that somebody understands their problems. Either way, the first step is the same: LISTEN to what they have to say. Listen closely. Listen empathetically. Listen in a way that makes the other person feel that you’ve understood them. Don’t just “listen” so that you can jump in and share your wisdom.
This is extremely important, and it accomplishes multiple things. First, it makes the other person feel valued – and if they just want a sympathetic ear, then knowing that you’ve understood their plight can make them feel better. Second, it creates good will and empathy between the two of you. Thus, if you do wind up offering advice, it will be more thoroughly accepted.
Third, this means that you’re less likely to go off half-cocked if you do choose to offer a solution to their problem. Again, extremely important. You don’t know that your advice is sound unless you understand their situation pretty well.
On occasion, I talk about how I was once privy to a conversation wherein some fella was talking about how lonely he felt, and how he had so much difficulty with the opposite sex. Before long, another guy chimed in, saying, “I think you should take a break from dating.” What this guy didn’t know is that the lonely fella had not had a date in seven years! I don’t doubt that those words must have felt like salt on an open wound.
What went wrong? Quite simply, this second guy was eager to solve the first fella’s problems. As a result, he “listened” superficially, waiting for a chance to jump in, share his wisdom, and solve this fella’s problem. He didn’t take time to make the lonely boy feel understood, nor did he take time to ensure that he grasped the nature of this guy’s problem.
As the cliche goes, we have two ears and only one mouth. Listen first. Once you’ve established a measure of empathy, then you can ask if the hurting person is looking for a solution or just wants to vent. It’s really not that difficult.