Why do the best people have the worst self esteem?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

Which one, the ones I threw back at you? I thought you were still recovering in the burn unit, ready to take those cyanide pills that UncleBill mailed you… :smiley:

Personally, I don’t see what distance has to do with it. Meeting face to face is just another step in the evolution of a relationship. If it’s someone that you’ve been honest with, showing them the real you via e-mail, phone, whatever, and they are anxious to meet you… they already know the real you that the initial shyness/awkwardness/fear might cover up. They’ll know that no matter what little quirks you have in the face to face, the PERSON is still the same.

Even if it turns out that we only remain good friends for the rest of our lives, I still think I’m the luckier one. But thank you.

22

Turns out, I’m resistant to cyanide. I made a big deal about how I was going to off myself, invited a bunch of friends to come by and witness it, chugged those pills like Tic-Tacs, and ended up looking like a complete dumbass when I didn’t keel over dead. Almost died of embarrassment, though.

23

So does that mean the date for the race is still on??? :smiley:

24

This is bitter experience on my part talking, but if a person says that you deserve better than them, listen to what they’re saying.

Most of us go through the same hardships, humiliations, and heartbreaks that have us feeling like there’s something wrong with us, that we must be unlovable or unworthy - because otherwise, those terrible things would have happened. The difference is, our common sense spoke up before we really started believing it.

This is my personal experience. My last boyfriend said the same to me on several occasions. I spent the better part of a year and a half assuring him that he really did deserve to be with me, that he was a fine guy, and that I wasn’t going anywhere. It got to the point where I spent more time building him up than I did taking care of myself.

He never believed me, because he was totally convinced that he was undeserving of me (or really, any other good thing in his life). He started doing things to prove that he didn’t deserve me. Not conciously, you understand, but it was all there underneath. He lost three jobs in a row, spent hundreds of dollars that should have gone to our bills on trifles, left me to pay the rent on my own, and eventually cheated on me.

He’s an extreme example, but I’ve seen it happen with others - including a woman I considered a best friend. You can’t make him believe, TruePisces. You can’t make anyone believe something like that. They have to do it on their own. Until he makes that decision, you may just be better off on the sidelines.

But then, I was burnt to a crisp in circumstances like what you decide. YMMV.

25

Well, gee, if you’re going to make threats like that, I’ll have to give arsenic a try. Or maybe strychnine. Heck, howzabout both! With a bleach chaser, to boot.

26

sigh The things I do for a date… Ok, since I caused the severe mental and physical damage, you make the choice on what we do.

(Does anyone else see some kind of screwed up irony in the fact that I’m flirting in this particular thread? :stuck_out_tongue:

27

If it’s sports you’re interested in, we could try BASKETBALL. I grew up in Kentucky, where it’s not just a sport, it’s a religion. The mere mention of Christian Laettner (AKA Spawn of the Devil) makes me wince.

28

Honestly, I’m not a great guy, so I have reason not to have self-esteem. Everyone talk to says that I’m basically a stupid, ignorant, hyper, horny, ugly, unfunny and seethingly sarcastic guy. That’s a great anti-resume, don’t you think? To quote dilbert (wally, actually) “I’d say I’m kind of a renaissance loser”.

29

Erg, I can’t even type.

Everyone I talk to says…

And Wally should be capitalized.

30

I think this is part of it, but not completely true. I was put down an awful lot as a kid, and have low self-esteem as a result. IRL, I am as kind as possible. I go out of my way to make people feel good. I try to notice what I like about a friend on any day and make a specific comment, to make them feel good. Having been mistreated, I know how wonderful it can feel to have someone appreciate you, so I try to give that to others. And it makes me feel good as well. I’m generally the laughing, happy, nice person in any given situation, and making others laugh or smile gives me happiness.

So I do realize that it’s pretty great of me to do that. Not being un-humble or anything, but I can tell that being so kind makes my friends feel wonderful, and since it bounces back to me, I do it. I just hate to think that anyone, even the bitchiest of bitches, feels bad about themselves.

That being said, it can also be very lonely. People tend to take me at face value and not realize that I have issues. I can’t tell you how many relationships I’ve had - well, I can, 3 - that ended because I finally found the courage to show my true self and the guy couldn’t handle it. I’m better at being alone these days just because no one really understands me. (This is clearly the subject of much badly written poetry.) For instance, I have a friend who is going through some rough shit with her overprotective parents. She said to me the other day, “See Sarah, when you feel bad about your life, just think of how bad mine is in comparison.” I was floored. Granted, she has no idea how fucked up my childhood was, but it was beyond me that she didn’t see, somewhere in my thoughts or words or deeds, the amount of horrible stuff I’ve dealt with.

One more thing to consider - having been abused myself, I would say that I’m pretty similar to the guy you are talking about. Any time I say something good about myself, I feel the need to preface it with an explanation that I know I’m not perfect, or wonderful, or beautiful, or whatever. I’m so accustomed to always being shot down any time I was proud of myself and being called good-for-nothing and worthless that I’m terrified of it happening again, so I jump in and say it before someone else does. It sucks, but maybe that’s what this guy is dealing with. The best you can do is give him unconditional friendship and love and hopefully he’ll come around. I’m still waiting for someone to give me that.

31

Oooh, and Dilbert should be capitalized, too!

32

I was going to point that out (the Dilber thing), but I didn’t want to have 3 posts in a row, it looks dumb. Now I feel even worse. I’m going to read over this a couple times.

33

Lemme tellya, I generally don’t get into the Grammar and Spelling Police routine, and I hate it when people get all uppity with me about my grammar and spelling. But, at that particular moment, it seemed like a funny thing to say. Couldn’t resist. I am a baaad monkey.

34

Amen to that, Beth. And sometimes “seeing” someone blinds you to who they really are, too.

Scotti

35

Yeah. I always felt better when someone complimented some specific thing I did, or a particular trait that I have. Makes me feel good if the person is interested enough to look at what I do or who I am, rather than the boring blanket “You are cool.”
Tripler
So I popped up from lurking. So what?

36

I’ve got to agree with Nacho4Sara about it being lonely. Especially when you’re the Holder Of Other People’s Problems, because this means that you’re not allowed to have any of your own. I suppose it’s ironic that the girls I like tend to be the ones that I can talk to freely (not necessarily about my problems, just not always about THEIR problems, IYKWIM), but they don’t want to go out with me, and the girls who like me are the ones who like telling me their problems. And some of them have Problems.

Sarah, I’ve learned to run far away from people with your friend’s attitude. They tend to be clients more than friends, and it becomes a totally one-sided friendship. Not worth it at all. One keeps ringing me everyday, and a month ago I went away for a week and told him that he wouldn’t be able to contact me. “I need you to talk to. What am I going to do? How can you do this to me?” And I said “Sorry, but I need a break. You’ll be fine, you’ve got your doctors and your counsellors and all of them. you’ll be fine. you don’t need me.” I went away and when I got back I learnt that the day after I left he had burnt his house down, possibly in a suicide attempt (he has a history of them, and once told me that he wanted to cover himself in petrol and light a match) although it was ruled by the police as ‘accidental’, even though it started in his room and was fueled by alcohol.

It’s nice to be wanted, but this is extreme… Apparently, I exist purely for his benefit. He’s starting to get a bit better though, so soon I’ll be able to tell him to back down a bit. The only reason I’m still talking to him is because I’ve known him for about 15 years. Normally when I meet someone like this I break contact asap after I realise what they are like. My chosen vocation (see sig) means that I’ll be probably interacting with people like this all through my professional life, so I’ve got to keep it out of my personal life, which means learning to be an arsehole when I need to be. I’m not very good at it though…

37

Basketball would be doable, I suppose. It’s not NASCAR (but what is, really??!) and it’s not something I follow, but I know the rules of the game, and I’ve never been to an NBA game. I’m usually up for new things, so why not?

Sarah, I realize that it’s probably NOT what you mean, but I’d most definitely be willing to give that to you as a friend. Every post of yours I’ve read (and from what lurker told me about meeting you at DopeFest) you seem like a friend worth giving that to.

As far as the guy I’m talking about goes… that’s what I’m trying to do. There are just times when it can get a little frustrating because I can’t understand how he can MISS it. I guess what frustrates me the most is that so much of the time he seems so hopeless about having a relationship… and not just with me, but with anyone. I don’t know if I should fight for the possibility of the relationship or just pretend my feelings no longer exist and stay there as a friend for him. I don’t know which would do more damage in the long run. I KNOW which could make us both happier if it worked out. :slight_smile:

38

I know, Snoops :). The thing that really ticked me off was that I missed a T on Dilbert.

Oh yeah, when I get back from school, I’ll tell ya’ll the number of negative (true) and postive (99% false) comments from people.

39

No offence, Speaker, but that comment seems to me to be designed to elicit a negation (ie, someone to come in and say “Oh, you don’t mean that, you’re such a nice person”).
I’d like to ask you to look at that statement and see what it really says.

To me it says that you have found security in suffering. You imagine yourself in bad situations and put a negative spin on anything good that comes along. It’s an easy thing to do and a tough habit to break, and those sort of comments only serve to re-enforce the negative image that you have of yourself. At the same time they serve to evoke a reaction in people around you. Some will negate it and try to build your self esteem, others will ignore it. Others will ignore you.

When I was in this frame of mind between '95 and '98 I liked to surround myself with group no. 1. They made me feel good about feeling bad. Now I prefer groups no. 2 and 3 because they don’t let me get away with it as much and when I’m down I’m forced to act and talk like I like myself, and that brings me back to the point when I do.

I realise that you will probably either love me or hate me for saying this, because to accept it you have to be at a certain frame of mind. I don’t know if you’re there yet, but I hope that one or two of these words registers and gives you pause for thought.

I like you though, you remind me of me. :slight_smile:

40

Ah, yes, low self-esteem.

I’ve been described (by others, not just myself) as this kind of guy. (In fact, I’ve been named an honorary female amongst my group of friends). Some have tried to describe cause-and-effect relationships, but I think it’s deeper than that. I personally believe that this sort of self-esteem problem is inherent in the type of guy who is nice, sensitive, willing to have female friends who aren’t girlfriends, intelligent, etc., etc.

This is partially cultural. That type of guy is–well, a sissy. Let’s face it. All of the “Guys” out there would call this man a sissy. ('Course, the type of guys we’re talking about also get involved in what they do, and so could well have a black belt in karate. Nonetheless, they’re going to be called ‘sissy.’) I’ve certainly been called such–or similar epithets–many times.

For some reason, the same correlation seems to exist in women. (I’m not sure why we’ve been so keen on describing males and not females). My GF is like this as well–part of the reason the two of us are together. In fact, in general my group of friends is low in the self-esteem department. I don’t believe this is a bad thing–but it can seem a problem to those around you.

TruePisces, in your BF’s case, perhaps he simply needs counseling and/or medication. I know I stopped saying things like that so often about two weeks after I started taking Prozac for dysthymic disorder.

I just realized I’m rambling and don’t sound anywhere near as esoteric/intelligent as Zenster did. Listen to him. :slight_smile:

LL