I believe the girl. It’s been my experience that when one says “You only see his good side…” that the person saying that is telling the truth.
Best wishes,
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The short answer is that they are in a drama triangle. It’s rare that the female in a relationship is predominantly abusive, but it does happen. What’s really important is that the two players cycle through the different roles constantly; he may be the victim in public, but that doesn’t mean that he’s not occasionally switching to abuser role, especially in private.
You’ve seen this dozens of times on this board - the “nice guy” who rescues a “innocent victim” girl from one “abusive asshole”, then the girl falls for another “abusive asshole” or goes back to the original one. Rescuer-victim-abuser. My ex-husband and ex-inlaws were trapped in this cycle. When I told my ex that I was ending the marriage, it was amazing watching him cycle through the roles multiple times trying to draw me back into the drama. And I’ve known several other people very well who were constantly trying to get you to buy into their victim-ness.
This doesn’t mean that a person who is in an abusive relationship deserves the abuse, or is incapable of being in a healthy relationship, or is even necessarily in a drama triangle trap. But be aware that those who are in a drama triangle are all trapped, no matter which role they tend to take. The one playing the victim role is not necessarily the least powerful person in the triangle.
“Help! I’m trapped in a drama triangle and can’t stop beating my girlfriend. She may be in the ‘victim’ role, but she is the most powerful person in this triangle”
Yeah, that was my reaction. I understand that sometimes people put themselves into certain situations but I have a hard time thinking of the victim as the most powerful one.
I realize that it is counter-intuitive. And honestly, I can’t speak to how physical violence works in a drama triangle - the one’s I’ve witnessed were strictly emotionally abusive.
But people who were raised in this kind of system know which buttons to push, and how to draw other people into the transaction. From another site:
Passive-aggressive behavior and “poor pitiful me” behavior are other ways that people taking this role exert control.
Because Women have the Pussy!
I agree with your point when it comes to dom and sub, but I don’t consider a dom to be a bitch or a sub to be nice guy. Dom should not in general be mean to people they are not in a relationship with. And it is possible to be nice without being a doormat, and a healthy sub is at least somewhat assertive outside the relationship.
Others have mentioned why a nice guy might put up with a bitch, but I don’t see any reasons for why they would have gotten together in the first place. I would have assumed that the bitch was the one who propositioned the nice guy, but that’s not always the case. I’ve seen nice guys and girls who specifically go for meaner partners, and it almost always boils down to the meaner partner being harder to get.
And, yes, if you act like an asshole or a bitch, I am much less likely to believe your evaluation of someone else’s character. One of the defining characteristics of the bitch is thinking they are better than everyone else, and finding all the little flaws to confirm that. Why would I trust someone to who apparently has different standards of proper behavior than my own? Why wouldn’t I trust my own observations more?
I absolutly love that terminology, “**roaring **bitches”
The “nice guy” or “nice girl” can also appreciate the “roaring bitch” because the bitch will act as the rescuer. If you hate confrontation, it’s nice to have someone on your side who loves confrontation, because you can point them at some outside problem and unleash them. The downside is, the confrontation-hater has to put up with internal confrontation.
Short answer, they are the only person who’ll put up with the bitch.
She says ‘in private he is really mean’, well so what. She’s a bitch all the time. She probably drives him crazy so that he finally bursts.
And my experience (as a nice guy who has been with some mean people) is that bitchy people think you are being mean when you actually require them to behave like a human.
What Zebra said.
I can be a bit of a bitch to my SO in public. Occasionally I’ll be moody when we go out, based on something that happened at home, or I’ll tease or hit him in a way that seems like berating if you don’t know him (or me) very well. He’ just awful to me in private, or under his breath, but likes to pretend I’m the horrible one when we’re in front of family or friends. Luckily none of this is even close to actual abuse, but again, if you don’t get our sense of humor or dynamic you might assume he’s got himself a raw deal (except of course for my breathtaking good looks). Not enough details in the OP to know if this is similar. Something tells me that if either partner in that scenario were actually abusive, they’d be reluctant to discuss it.
So, so, so true.
I didn’t understand shijinn’s post to be about the sexual dom/subs, but about people who are dom/sub elsewhere. There’s people who want to tell everybody what to do (“things would work so much better if I was boss!”), there’s people who want to be told what to do (“ugh, being boss is so tiresome, btdt and my tshirt was all sweaty five minutes after putting it on”), most of us fall somewhere in between.
So, two people who always want to get their way: nuclear war the first time they disagree.
Two people who always want to be led: would die from starvation before they could work up the energy to come up with a menu.