It’s always stuff like, “To the world’s greatest Father!” or “To the best Mother there ever was!” and so on.
I mean it’s as if the creators of these corny cards all seem to assume that everyone that makes a baby is so wonderful and terrific, when, in truth, there in fact is a large percentage that were/are crap as parents.
I’d like to see a broader spectrum of cards … with some saying stuff like, “Let’s not kid ourselves; as a mother you are a TOTAL disgrace. But I love you anyway!” … “A baboon would have been a better parent than you were to me. But what the heck; here’s a nice card for you anyway, dad.”
“When I was growing up, you always shared your beer. Cheers, Dad!”
“You know that $100 you give me every birthday so that you don’t have to actually choose a gift for me and prove you don’t know me at all? I use it to buy porn. Happy Father’s Day!!”
M is for the many times you smacked me O is for the other times you smacked me
**T ** is for the tons of times you smacked me H is for “Help! She won’t stop smacking me!” E is for “Eh, the beatings will stop when I move out.” R is for Reparenting my inner child.
Dad
You weren’t there much for me as a kid. I think I scared you a bit.
But you always sent the child support, and that helped Mom some.
While you were living in a huge house with your new wife,
and we didn’t have money to buy milk some weeks.
But then I got older, and you were slightly more interested in my life.
Not enough to, you know, call on my birthday or anything,
but you’re good to chat with once in a while.
And thanks for the cash recently, it’s come in handy.
Dear Mom-you were no great shakes as a parent, letting my sister have sex in her room and my brother have the entire swim team over for their every weekend pot parties, but you taught me to love reading, so that’s a good thing…
Dear Dad: You were never around and then played money games with Mom. Still, I look just like you. Lucky me. Have a great day!
The above is why I don’t send these kinds of cards.
How about the Mother-in-law ones? My dear, dear MIL was a horrible abusive drunk, and is now a dry drunk. What to say? Dear “Mom”–at least we now know that your nastiness was not the beer talking.
This big beautiful expensive card is for you, Mom.
[list=0][li]Because you expect it.[/li][li]Because you managed to make me believe [/li]that I’m responsible for your elusive happiness.
[li]Because I’d rather hear about how I wasted money on a card [/li]than hear you whine about your ungrateful children.
[/list]Happy Mother’s Day.
P.S. Maybe I’ll call so you can tell me again how I’m going to hell for not sharing your religious beliefs.
Seriously, it’s hard to find a decent card I don’t feel like a hypocrite giving to my mom. I mean, I’ve been to the therapy, I’ve let go of the grudges & forgiven her, I love her in spite of her flaws & problems, but to say those “you’re so wonderful, you’re loved soooo much,” etc., things, just sticks in my throat, metaphorically speaking. But I couldn’t stand to hurt her by ignoring her or sending her something nasty. Maybe I should just stick to cards that bring the funny.
Dad, I’m sorry this card isn’t very good but then again:
You don’t play golf
You aren’t incompetent when it comes to home repair
You don’t love sports
You don’t hunt or fish
You don’t give lots of fatherly advice
Start displaying at least one of these behaviors and next year’s card will be better.
This would be a hijack, since I had wonderful (although not perfect, who is?) parents and can/could (mom’s no longer with me on this earth but dad is) buy those cards without feeling like rolling my eyes…
The best card I ever got [sub]from MY point of view, anyway[/sub] for my dad is one that had this cute little green monster looking thing on the front. It said “Happy Father’s Day!” and on the inside it said “From Your Little Monster”
