I’m handsome. They pay me. Moderately.
OCD. Habit. Can’t stop. Easy to surf while at work.
For the capitalization and punctuation and every so often, giggles.
Just for you, I will make cookies after we move.
What kind would you like? 
I can take pictures and share, eating them all myself, or send you some. Or give some to the cats in your name. Your call 
It’s like a big giant 24-hour cocktail party where you can wander around and listen in on dozens of smart, witty conversations and join in on any one you want. Complete sentences and decent grammar are pleasant bonuses that make this place easy to read. I can learn and laugh and discover all at once. I’ve been here a long time, and truly, I’ve barely noticed any rule changes since they didn’t seem to require me to change any behavior. And now that I’ve met a select group of Dopers in person, I’m more connected than before.
I come for the braaaaaaaaaaaiiiiinnnns…and I stay for the pie.
Forty-Two!
I’m intensely escapist when it comes to doing unpleasant tasks, and web-surfing is something I can do at work besides work. Unfortunately, I can’t blast music and pretend I’m somewhere else (which is how I get through family gatherings). I come here because it’s the largest, busiest forum that my workplace filter hasn’t yet blocked. Otherwise, I’d be on SA (those tech jerks blocked it! wah).
That’s me! In fact, this may be the last post to this thread.
But for me, I learn lots of new things every time I come here. I also get new viewpoints on issues I thought I knew something about. Plus once in a blue moon, someone asks a question that I know the answer to and nobody has answered yet. I can cruise on such a moment for a week.
But mostly I come here for the good old American way, for the thrills, the adventure and the money. Mostly for the money.
Boredom. It can be a good excuse from busy work.
I was trying to come up with something clever in response to the OP but, upon failing, realized the standard for clever here is higher than for most boards, and that’s why I come here. 
…oh, and the complete sentence thing, yeah, that too. 
I play here because there are fewer jerks posting than I see elsewhere and because the community is large enough to be interesting and varied while small enough that it feels like a community. I like being around people who know more than I do about so many things and being able to be useful to others about those things that I happen to know more than many. I love good questions whether I know the answer, can figure out the answer, or am educated by someone who did one or the other. I love a good argument and this place gives me more of those than does real life. (Bad arguments there all the time!)
Sure there are some silly rules - the language controls in The Pit come to mind. But the place gets me thinking, makes me curious about that which I had not previously been curious about, and I like that.
Sorry, no cleverness from me.
And why hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hiiii
Send me silly notes?
But seriously, much smarter and funnier players here than anywhere else. Sometimes being in a big fat university setting all day long can diminish my hope for intelligent life out there. That’s where you guys come in. So, thanks.
Today I learned the reason why my SO comes here. It was a valuable lesson for me. One that I am very glad was talked out.
If I wanted to carry on conversations relating to most of the topics here with my friends, they would think I am more of a nerd than they do now.
The topics just aren’t found in the conversations that I have on an everyday basis, and usually aren’t appropriate for social gatherings.
But mostly, I am intensely curious and enjoy reading what others have to say on a wide spectrum of topics.
I think this board is a good fit for me.
To learn, to listen, and to laugh.
Gets comfy on the couch, pulls popcorn close, subscribes to thread …
this 
Si
I also come here for many of the reasons already mentioned. I read more than post. The only other time that I had participated in a forum in the past was in 1996… so I don’t really have much to compare SD to. The topics and many dopers are highly entertaining and I almost always learn something. Why just yesterday I learned something! A couple of weeks ago I had my boy read a thread about a doper with a kid getting ready to join a branch of the military - mine is thinking of heading in that direction also and there was a lot of useful info there.
I have noticed the “grammar Nazi” types and the rest of what Mewl Dear mentioned above, but I suppose that this is true for almost any similar forum, no?
Mainly, when I’m here, I tend to laugh out loud often and do a lot of eyebrow-scrunching.
I’m sorry. You have been misinformed. We only have healing waiters here, and then only if you tip well.
I thought it was feeling waders. Empathetic rubbers.