You can often evaluate a matchmaker by their previous success rate. Also you can use more than one, after all why shouldn’t you search for a life partner as seriously as you would search for a job? On a more practical level, most people I know that have used matchmakers don’t get married on a blind date. The matchmaker is essentially a facilitator to help people met. For people who are shy or anxious in social situations, this can be a very good thing.
What is a matchmaker in your terminology?
There are internet dating sites, but they are mostly a waste of time for most people.
Well, jeez, now you have me wondering about the success rates of internet dating sites.
(A quick google suggests the answer may be ‘WAY better than I suspected’, but I’m not sure I count a skimming a couple of google results a definitive answer.)
I’ve been married for quite a while, so I haven’t explored online dating since the days of usenet. What scared me away was the fact that I usually saw anywhere from 5 to 10 ads from men for every one from a woman. That made me think that my odds were even worse than the chances of randomly meeting someone at a party (which is exactly what happened). Also, I get the impression that guys are more likely to come across as desperate. I know I did. That’s just my impression, though.
Can you find out a matchmaker’s success rate from anyone besides the matchmaker? I’m not opposed to it, but I can’t really afford anything extravagant at the moment.
I wouldn’t say I’m terribly shy or anxious, but it depends on the crowd and the setting. Whether I come across as shy, I couldn’t say. I often find the whole subject o just be utterly confusing. There’s what I think of myself, how I think I act, how I actually act, what other people perceive from me, what they say, what they really mean, etc. I’m not sure it’d help to pay a matchmaker for more information when I can’t make sense of the info I already have.
I’m still reading Modern Romance. I’m in the section on internet dating. Apparently it is a huge segment of how couples meet these days. And my profile needs a picture of me spelunking with a puppy.
As mentioned by others, mostly family - both parents, his other sister,
other extended family. Really, he seemed to feel this was pretty normal. What he found more annoying was random people who claimed his wanting to remain single for life was just plain impossible, and he was either lying outright or just kidding himself, and would one day snap out of it. We talked about this because 1) I never really saw what was so hard to accept about it and 2) it parallels to my family’s views on me being an atheist.
People seen to fall into two mindsets for the most part- outrage/anger that someone is different, or just a steadfast refusal to believe someone is different.
I’m not demisexual. I’ve had plenty of attraction to people I didn’t know well. I’ve just learned that it’s not a good idea for me to jump into bed with anyone I don’t feel close to.
Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk
To expand a little, I could never figure out where the good unmarried females were, latter I always seemed to be too busy. Now at 63 I am very glad that I never did meet someone, I can’t see any way anything like a mutually satisfactory relationship could have been sustained.
I am now retired and feel more busy then ever and like living alone to be just fine. Not unhappy with the way things have eventuated.
Zuer-coli
Perpetual bachelor checking in. I am 34 and I have never had a romantic relationship.
Self-sufficient - while not wealthy, I am gainfully employed and live on my own in modest comfort. Left my parents’ house at 21 and have never moved back in so I have never been an overgrown basement dweller.
Introvert, though hardly socially crippled or anything like that. I can hold a conversation on many topics and am reasonably of sound mind.
Reasonably attractive, certainly not ugly and IMHO more attractive than the “average,” whatever that is.
I have had many sexual relationships, most of which were extremely brief flings, so not a 34 year old virgin by any means. I have also had spells of celibacy and don’t care that much when it happens.
I am not outright opposed to a serious or even casual romantic relationship but I don’t aim for one like it’s a life goal or anything. I live my life on the assumption that I will remain single for the rest of it. I simply don’t see the point of being in a relationship just for the sake of it, or settling for someone I’m not completely in love with. I’ve been in love a few times, though any potential romances tend to be hindered by either non-reciprocation or the presence of an existing spouse who got there before me.
I simply enjoy my own company and don’t really care much for the bother of a relationship - compromise, dealing with in-laws, children, always having to think of someone else’s needs. Call me selfish but I like being able to choose where and how I want to live. I like going to the movies without having to care what the other person wants to see, or going on vacation wherever I want to and seeing everything I want to see, moving to a new place if I want to, etc. I can have my social needs met with friendships and my sexual needs met by random hook-ups. The rest of my needs I can supply quite well myself.
Any potential partners of mine need to be self-sufficient as well - they need to have their own interests, their own friends, I don’t want to be living in each other’s pockets all the time like some couples. In all likelihood, I would prefer we kept separate residences, or at least separate bedrooms. Sharing a life together is one thing but I would still want to have my own space.
A few years ago Sasha Cagen termed this position on life quirkyalone. We are a weird bunch. 
As a brief addendum, I sometimes do think the weekend thing could work - most weekends or, if they live some distance away, every few. I may even look into that in the new year.
Living in the city it could be good; a personal relationship, get around the country a bit, maybe she’d even have a garden and a dog and stuff.
it’s an elastic term, but generally in my community matchmakers are respected older community members (mostly women) who bring marriage minded individuals together to met and discuss their possibilities. Now most people don’t decide to marry someone based on one meeting unless they’ve known each other for some time before that.
How many or what percentage of couples that they have introduced who have actually resulted in successful marriages is generally the gold standard.
An interesting cross-cultural comparison: In Japan in 1970, only 1.7% of men and 3.3% of women had never married by age 50. Today, the figures are 23% and 14%. Current surveys are showing that 1/3 of Japanese people under 30 have never dated at all. Also:
Japan is going through an enormous cultural shift and the current generation of younger people is going to carry most of the baggage. they’re rejecting the traditional dynamic of the “salaryman” (who spends most of his time at work) and stay-at-home wife/mother yet it’s not clear where it’s going to go.
What’s puzzling about Japan is that, despite whatever work/school/culture dynamic there may be, you’d expect hormones to be hormones.
Apparently human desire or biological nature is much more malleable than would be thought.
Well, yes, I understand that part. If you’re talking about an informal matchmaker known among family and friends within a small community, you might know some couples that she (or he) has introduced. But in a larger setting, I’m not going to know if a professional matchmaker has a good track record or not. I’m not sure that’s the kind of thing I want to rely on Yelp for.
I don’t know what’s so surprising about the environment affecting one’s hormones and/or behavior. I know I am more likely to feel hungry (and thus snack) when I see food, hear people talking about food, and see people eating food. I’m also not likely to feel very hungry if I’m overworked, anxious, and depressed.
So no, I’d not expect “hormones to be hormones”. Biology doesn’t exist in a vacuum. Our hormones are sensitive to environmental cues.
There are also other ways of expressing one’s libidinal energy nowadays besides dating and getting married. So maybe the Japanese are plenty horny, but they prefer their sex dolls and fleshlights to people.
My main issue with matchmakers is that there are many factors about attraction that simply can’t be put into words. You can give a list of desired attributes or qualities about a potential mate to a matchmaker, and the matchmaker can find someone who indeed does, technically, tick all the boxes on that list, but the chemistry or attraction or “It Factor” just isn’t there. Feelings or butterflies in the stomach can’t be quantified down to a checkbox list.
While it’s true that environment does affect hormones a lot - and I am admittedly going by gender generalizations here - I had thought that a lot of men would still be horny even when stressed or busy. That many Japanese women weren’t interested in sex wasn’t surprising at all, but it was surprising that so many Japanese men weren’t into it either.
This I’ve got to read! I’m 56. I was married for a minute in the 80s. I’ve had a couple of serious boyfriends, but none lately. I tried the early internet dating sites. I seem to attract nut-jobs and control freaks. Pass, thank you. I sometimes look at people out together and wish I had someone. But I don’t. I haven’t for a very long time. I know a couple of men my age who are single. One of them, I could consider. But I don’t have any interest in spending ALL my time with someone. I have things to do and I’m not interested in someone who isn’t the same way.
I’ve often thought that a duplex with a connecting door would be idea. Sometimes the door is open. And sometimes, for a very good reason, that door is shut.