I mean, not sweeping up floors or driving a cab. How did this idiot get a job holding forth for two hours every night on MSNBC when it’s evident that he A) doesn’t know a fucking thing, and B) yammers on and on about all the nothing that he doesn’t know?
He’s the rudest sumbitch I’ve seen, and I’ve seen some. If he had God Almighty on his show, it would go something like this:
CM: "Welcome back to hardball, only on MSNBC, we have with us tonight, God, the creator of the universe, and generally one of the most important–is “people” the right word? anyway, a very big guy in the religion business. I’ve been a big fan of His, ever since I grew in Philadelphia, in the state of Pennsavania, Irish, the son of Irish immigrants, who believed in Him like most Pennsavanians do, hardworking, salt of the earth people I grew up with. Your Majesty, welcome to hardball.
G: Thank you, Chris, good to be–
CM: Let’s get down to it, the question is everyone is asking: What’s it all about?
G: Glad you asked me, Chris. Essentially, as I see it–
CM: although that may have sounded disrespectful, because that’s the same question in the movie “Alfie”-- or the song “Alfie”? Is it a song or a movie? A movie, I guess, starring that English guy, what’s his name? Do you know who I mean? What am I saying–you’re God, of course you know. Or do you do? Do you follow popular culture much, or do you have your hands busy with more important things? Can you really be present everywhere? I have a hard time being present in one place. HA!
G: Well, the main thing I’d want to say to people is–
CM: “What’s it all about, Alfie? Is it just for the moment we live–” Mitchell Crane, that’s the actor I was thinking of, or something like that, although they remade that movie, didn’t they, with that other skinny Englishman, what’s his name? No, don’t tell me, I have it right here–Jude Law, right? Boy, he’s good. Funny name, though, Jude Law, sounds like ‘Jewish Law,’ and that’s something you know something about, isn’t it, “Jewish Law,” of course, what am I saying? You wrote the book on Jewish law, didn’t you? Did you win the Pulitzer for that one?
G: I prefer to think of them as universal laws, which–
CM: But , sure, your Godliness, you chose the Jewish people? The expression, the chosen people? You heard that one, right? Is that true or false, that you chose the Jews? Strange choice, if you ask me, but what do I know? I’m just a kid from Pennsavania. You’re the one to ask. So I’m asking: did you choose the Jews? Better yet, cause that’s a little complicated, and I don’t really care what your answer is, let me ask this; are you pro-choice in general?
G: Abortion is a troubing issue, Chris–
CM: Don’t waffle, your Godship, I hate people who come down the middle on the tough issues, let’s put this to a straight-up yea-or-nay vote, no tabling or letting it die in committee, I used to work for Tip O’Neill, so I know all about the ways politicians can avoid giving straight answers–you remind me a little bit of Tip O’Neill, actually. Did anyone ever mention that to you? That you look like Tip O’Neill? Or sound like him, actually, more than look him? How is Tip, by the way? Did he get into Heaven? How does that work, anyway? Heaven and Hell, I mean.
I’d like to kick him in the balls. Hard.
