Why does every damn social meeting have to involve the whole fucking family?

The BBQ Pit
161

All I can offer is the example of my mom. She has not left the house alone except for going to church, work, or to visit family in the past two decades. All of her “friends” are the cousins she grew up with who she sees at most once a year. She’s a huge believer in the idea that blood family comes first last and everything, but as a result she stopped going out with friends when I was born, and now I’m in my 30s and she has no idea left how to make friends or find new hobbies.

The frustrating part is that her entire life is more or less focused on my kid (her first grandchild), which has led to some friction (I love her, but I see almost as much of her as I do my wife or co-workers, she visits so often).

162

I have the same exact problem…only gender-reversed and inversely proportional. That’s right; my wife goes out four, sometimes five times a week to socialize with her friends. And believe you me; she’s got a bunch of friends: Kitty, Nina, Ingrid, Bunny, Marylyn, Misty, Amber, Amber-Lynn, Lynne-Amber, Anal Annie (childhood nickname, I’m guessing), Peaches, Jose (our pool boy), and Maude. And, not that I can say with much authority, since I see them so rarely and for mere fleeting moments, but they all really strike me as being sweet and sincere young ladies…and lone gentleman (what’s up with that?). The possible exception being Maude, I get a bit of a tarted-up vibe from her for some reason, but I may be wrong, and it’s not relevant.

Anyway, I would love to go out with my wife and her friends some time, even just once in a while. I have no friends of my own; no time really, what with working late at the day job to bring home enough bacon, always being behind in my assigned household chores, massaging my wife’s tired feet when she arrives back home most mornings, and all the other things husbands are expected to do, or so I’ve been told.

But, nope, that’s not an option open for discussion. I stay home alone; she goes out to socialize with her friends—case closed! (Open that case back up and I’ll bring Mr. Sparky Stuninski out of my drawer to reason with you again, kapish? Yes, dear, I kapish, sorry I brought it up). To be sure, I’d probably not always enjoy the activities my wife tells me she and the gals…and guy (yeah, you’re thinking what I’m thinking, “gay”, right?) do while they’re out—church bake sales and crochet clubs aren’t exactly my cuppa tea. But still, being around a few adults, doing wholesome activities, would be kind of nice once in a while.

If anything, things have gotten worse of late; now I’m straddled with two young kids. I don’t think I’ll get out of this house ever again; socializing with adults is but a pipe dream now. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining. On the bright side, I do sincerely enjoy the company of my children, although they do appear to have fallen quite a distance from the tree (must have inherited some old recessive genes from their mother and I and our lilly-white gene pool. Our kids are golden-brown beauties, with a strange fondness for Mariachi music).

163

Get lost.

164

I’m thinking the shitstorm that will happen if he waits until he’s ready to walk might end up being the death of him, literally. Easing away one step at a time might make for more, but survivable, shitstorms.

165

Look. The thing is I grew up in a perfectly functional household where my parents always had external activities.

This was my normality. My Mum went golfing, or bowling, with her friends and my dad did the same.

On top of that, they had parties at our house where people - gulp - consumed alcohol, sometimes into the wee hours!

All I ever wanted was a relationship like this. Instead I got sucked into the abyss of a wife who is a control freak. What happened to independence and fun?

166

I think a lot of this is a reflection of the fact more people are moving far away from where they grew up to raise a family.

When I was growing up I don’t think any force on earth would have kept my maternal grandparents from getting to watch us occasionally. I didn’t think about it much as a kid, but I’m sure my parents greatly appreciated those nights when the grandparents would take us. Those were some of my best memories and my happiest memories of my grandparents, too. Especially when they would take us on day trips to the movies or things like that, it was always fun going out with my grandparents because they sort of put all of us kids on a pedestal and let us do what we wanted to do, it was all about us. I think that’s good for a kid to get occasionally, my parents weren’t like that at all.

They were traditional parents who didn’t make every second of every day about the kids, and they didn’t move mountains to make sure me and my brothers had 10 different planned activities to keep us busy every night, so it was a nice treat to sort of go to your grandparents who really were all about making everything about you (obviously because they weren’t with you 24/7.)

167

This sounds a lot like my childhood. My parents were not absentee parents, but they had things they did. There were Saturdays where my mom might be doing something with the women’s club all day, or some community activity. Dad watched us those days, and he would usually do something with us we didn’t normally get to do, like take us bowling or something. Those were rare occasions but they happened often enough I remember them. I think they were good because my mom was a happier person having things outside of her family to work on (she was a stay at home mom) and my dad worked so much that I think it was a great opportunity for us to bond with him one-on-one.

My dad would occasionally go to poker games or things like that (and hunting season he would be gone some.) Sometimes my grandparents would have us for a day and my parents would do whatever. There was tons of times, especially in summer, where we would sleep at other kid’s houses. I grew up in a house with several siblings and over the summer I can honestly say probably 1/2 of the nights some neighborhood kid slept over at our place, and probably one night a week in the summer all of us would be sleeping over at someone’s house. It was a very casual thing and in retrospect I can see where it afforded my parents time to do their own thing, too.

Even as young as 10 years old I really, really valued time where I could do my own thing. Be it riding my bike or reading or etc, and growing up in a very over full house time like that was hard to come by, so even as a kid I couldn’t imagine a scenario where I would want to be 100% exposed to my mom and dad every moment I wasn’t in school, that would be terrible.

It reminds me of this woman I used to work with, I used to hear her talk about her 14 year old son and his summer. In one week he would have tennis lessons, swim lessons, basketball day camp, baseball day camp, he was required to read a book of his choosing for one hour a day, he was required to study from next year’s math textbook from one hour a day, he had to take ACT pre-tests every week etc etc. Some people think that is proper involved parenting, I’m an old man but I can still remember my childhood. I’d have fucking gone postal if I had been regimented that way, I loved time off the apron strings, and would have resented parents who didn’t have their own lives but instead insisted on being around me all the time.

168

That’s all well and good if the grandparents are all alive and live nearby.

169

You could always brighten the lives of depressed elderly people by letting random childless elderly couples watch your kids.

But yeah, like I had said people tend to spread out now because of the reality of the 21st century job market. Very difficult to realistically expect to be prosperous in the same place you grew up without some luck.

The grandparents would also have to be people you’d want your kids around. Note I mentioned my maternal grandparents, my paternal grandparents lived nearby too but we spent very little time with them. They were not the types you wanted kids around, and my dad thought so, too. They were strictly holiday visit grandparents.

170

And like you, mine aren’t and never were. I envy people who could just “drop the kids at the grandparents.”

171

If my dad or my wife’s parents lived nearby, we’d be happy to dump the kids on them, but we’re sort of isolated from extended family here. I have a brother in the area, but three kids are a bit much to saddle him with, and he has a baby of his own.

172

Could you be anymore passive? You got “sucked” into it, that language really doesn’t put any responsibility on you at all, does it…

173

Well, thanks to all of this, I just told her that she’s a passive-aggressive bitch.

I don’t think it went over well.

174

I know you probably have some pent up anger, but I think a better way would be to do what someone else suggested, just tell the wife that you’re going to stop off with the guys after work for a few beers, etc.

Right now you’ve probably opened a powder keg, and you didn’t even get to do any thing fun for the drama! :stuck_out_tongue:

175

I suspect you will be wanting a beer or several with someone shortly…
Good luck.

176

My situation is not entirely dissimilar to that of Leaffan, with the sexes reversed. I made the huge mistake of venting to a friend about how controlling my husband is, forgetting that she is also a bit of a control freak. Now all she does is criticise him for his controlling ways and me for not doing anything about it. I wish I’d shut up and said nothing.

It’s a helluva lot easier for those outside the marrige to see solutions. Sometimes there just isn’t a solution and you just have to put up with it.

177

Trust me that there’s a limit to how much “close grandparents” are a good thing. My parents live 45 minutes away and are self-employed–the trick is getting them NOT to come visit. :frowning:

178

Well, maybe that will crack the stalemate. :slight_smile:

179

Thank you for pointing this out. I love my wife, and my kids are cute (and hilarious!). But do I drag them to friends’ houses if I’m invited? Hell, no.
My friends might just want ME there – given that THAT’S who they invited.

And my kids (and wife) might just have more fun with their friends than mine.

180

Leaffan:

I know you don’t know me from Adam, but my wife and I am driving from NYC to Toronto next week for a friend’s wedding. If you are anywhere on either route (either way around Lake Ontario), PM me, and I will stop and buy you a beer.