I wouldn’t want to go to the sort of party thrown by the kind of person who cares if someone like me actually shows up or not.
The way you phrase it seems like a distinction without a difference to me, but if you’re speaking to people that are awfully touchy then it might be important to care about your phrasing.
The people aren’t excessively touchy- it’s just that if I say " maybe,can I tell you later" , lots of people will say “OK” because they feel uncomfortable denying a request even if they really need to know now.
But let me know you’re not coming so I can stop worrying. 
I find it unbeliveable that someone couldn’t take the time to respond to a friend’s RSVP. I can’t imagine the nerve of someone arriving at a wedding/dinner party/cocktail party without RSVPing. Whether I’m cooking for 10-20 or catering a big event the RSVP is an essential part of planning. I mean, if you show up without RSVPing do you expect to be able to eat and drink on someone else’s ticket?
Ugh. I’m invited to about a dozen things A DAY by virtue of the fact I studied music at school. Everybody and their cousin is in a band, and invites all of their FB friends to their band’s show at Zaphod’s on Saturday night…:rolleyes:
However, I choose not to RSVP ANY of these. Facebook does NOT equal an invite. Call me, send me a text…e-mail me. I’m not going to have my arm twisted because you sent out a skeet shot for your birthday/bar mitzvah/bridal shower.
I use a doodle poll to get people RSVP for our softball team. I usually have to send out two or three reminders. It’s dependent on how much effort one has to put into RSVPing. Doodle will take all of 15 seconds, Facebook (plus sifting through all your other invites) is a good 2-3 minutes. Mailing RSVPs…well, there’s a postal strike going on right now, but if there wasn’t that’s a pain in the ass to write back and haul my ass back to the mailbox!
The one I don’t understand is “regrets only.” Isn’t it more important to know one IS coming? It also can be confused with the default “no,” above. Why does anyone think that a “no” requires a justification -a social white lie is enough. What gets me is people that don’t answer mail (any form.)
I heard of a business/society that planned a dinner and $5 tickets were required. If you showed up, you got the money back.
If you ask for no replies- you assume any non-replies are yeses. If someone doesn’t show you may have planned too much food, drink, party favors etc, which can be an annoyance, but won’t ruin a party.
However:
If you ask for yes replies- anyone who doesn’t reply are assumed regrets. If they end up showing up you are short food, drink, seating, favors etc. That is an awful situation as a host- to be caught short!
I’m with the crowd that does not RSVP. If I don’t RSVP, then I am not coming.
Everybody say this with me. There is no lack of information if you send out 100 invitations and get 50 RSVPs with 25 people saying they are coming. That means 25 people are coming. You can probably plan for 26-27 or something to make up for a few people that were raised by wild animals, but very few people worth inviting would show up somewhere without RSVPing.
And no, the “I don’t know if it got lost in the mail” is not a valid reason for everyone must respond. Something like 99.99% of mail is delivered to the correct address within a reasonable time. That is a strawman.
I always RSVP, whether or not I plan to go, for all of the very good reasons already mentioned. It’s common courtesy - it takes only a little time out of your day - it helps with planning - and it reduces stress for your host or hostess.
If I really wanted to attend an event but suspected I was going to have a scheduling conflict that would take priority, I might ask the host or hostess if I could let them know closer to the date, but I wouldn’t be pushy about it. If they were facing a hard deadline for planning, seating, food, etc., then I’d regretfully just decline, because I’m not so self-centered as to think they should hold a place for me under those circumstances.
I would never say “maybe” or fail to respond just to keep my options open. That’s rude.
In our boys’ schools, yes, you have to invite everyone in the class if you’re passing out invitations in that class during school hours. Don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings by excluding them, naturally. But if you’re extending an invitation outside of the confines of school - through the U.S. Mail, via email to the kid’s parents, etc. - you’re free to invite just as many or just as few of your kid’s classmates as you like.
I do something similar with our book club: “We’ll have reservations at [placename]. Please let me know by noon Weds. [two days earlier; we always meet on Fridays] whether or not you’re coming. I won’t assume - you’ve gotta let me know.” It’s more verbose than “RSVP,” but clearer. I have the other club members pretty well trained by now. We’ve been at this since 1998, after all.
This attitude is simply amazing to me. Your logic though well thought out doesn’t work for everyone. For my daughter’s birthday party, invitations were provided to the entire class year one. Two positive RSVPs, 18 kids showed up. Year two I decided to get smart and wrote “regrets only”, no one called and 8 kids showed up.
Apparently calling at all isn’t worth the hassle no matter what your plans are. This is a private school with people that “should” know better. Apparently RSVP means just show up…or not.
Foxy40, I think you had almost the same experience I did. I had a party for my 5 year old in May. We sent out 25 invitations, each one with my cell phone and e-mail address. I received 8 responses. 15 kids showed up. Luckily, there was plenty of food to cover everyone and more than enough goodie bags, but it ticked me off to no end that these kids’ parents couldn’t shoot me a two-minute e-mail to let me know that they were or were not planning to bring their kid.
I really don’t get why people think it’s acceptable not to respond, unless it’s Facebook. I send most of my invitations via e-mail whenever possible, and I’m constantly amazed at how many people don’t respond and just show up. It actually pisses me off quite a bit. Even though it’s not a written invitation, the e-mail still says in very plain English, “Let me know by X date whether or not you’ll be able to come. Thanks, and I hope to see you there!”
Is hitting the reply button and saying, “Hey, overly, I’ll see you on the Xth!” or, “Sorry, we can’t make it - hope you have fun!” really such a chore?
Most of the rationale that I’ve read for not RSVPing seem to boil down to “I shouldn’t have to and you know I’m not coming anyway by my nonresponse” despite plenty of hosts saying how frustrating and challenging it is when people don’t reply.
You can’t assume non-replies are no answers because if you’re wrong the host is put in an awkward position- refuse them at the door, plan for them to come (so you have to assume they are yeses) or be low on food/favors etc.
Good Christ, some people will go through some serious gyrations to justify being rude jackholes. If your friends aren’t worth a fucking phone call or e-mail, you deserve to be dropped from their guest lists.
Not to mention being grateful/appreciative of the simple OFFER of hospitality, whether you attend or not. You could save yourself all that work of talking to your friend by becoming a hermit. Problem solved forever.
I cannot imagine being so self-involved that I could not respond to an invitation with something along the lines of, “Wow, thanks for inviting me! It sounds like a lot of fun. I wish I could be there. Have fun without me!” Is it really so hard to take two minutes to be gracious?
Guess so.
Refusing to RSVP sends a clear message. That perhaps you are still mentally in that phase where your social engagements take place in dive bars, fraternity house basements, tailgates and 5th floor walkups occupied by 5 college buddies in their first job in the city who are a friend of a friend of your girlfriend’s. IOW, the sorts of parties where people just show up to get wasted, half of them are randoms and probably no one cares nor will remember if you were even there the next day (assuming they don’t find you passed out on the couch with “I like dick” written on your forehead in permenent marker ).
If it’s that important there are plenty of ways to get in touch to follow up, such as texting, calling, contacting on Facebook, or many other online methods. This isn’t the 19th century and one letter should not be considered the sum total of your communication
That said, it is rude to assume that you can just show up and get food or booze without making it clear you’re coming.
This thread really makes me glad most of my social encounters are of this type. The ones that don’t involve a bottle or 3 of Buckfast in a convenient park.
Let me see if I’ve got this right- one letter shouldn’t be the sum total of the host’s communication if he or she needs to actually know who’s coming. He or she can always follow up by texting, calling, contacting on Facebook , etc. The potential guest , however, doesn’t need to communicate at all- although he or she could also respond by texting, calling, contacting on Facebook , etc.
And that’s what I end up having to do- this time for over a dozen guests. I have to send the invite, include a reply card with a clear date, wait until after the due date, call, email and text to get the reply. Which of course is awkward because I’m basically reminding them they missed the deadline and essentially forcing an answer.
All they had to do was respond once.
And I am the one who is asking too much?
And I still don’t get the rationale behind not doing it other than “I don’t wanna and it’s dumb”.
Of course they should, I have said a few times I consider it rude not to. However, it’s not always clear from an invitation whether a response is needed, as opposed to desired, and if the person you are inviting is important enough to you that you want them at your event despite their slight rudeness, then a text that takes you a few seconds is probably better than fretting for weeks, buying either too much or not enough food, and potentially spoiling your event, at least from your point of view.
Someone earlier said they wouldn’t want friends who don’t RSVP. That’s fine - if it matters that much, then don’t invite them in future. But if you do want people at your event who don’t make the effort, you will have to make it. And, honestly, it;s not a great deal of effort.
In my experience, events where a reply is needed in advance are pretty rare, and the people organising such events are certain to ask multiple times. So, if I were to receive a single invitation with an RSVP, and no follow up, I might honestly forget about it. Doesn’t make it less rude, it’s just that, in my experience, that’s not how most people do it.
If your experience is different, fair enough. I imagine age, location, and for want of a better word class would probably affect it.