RSVP isn’t to the English language what Dom Perrignon is to wine. Good manners and social skills isn’t a past time for elitists.
True enough, but thats not my point. If the boneheads you are sending invitations to don’'t get it and you keep sending and they keep not getting it might be in your own self interest to make things clearer.
I know if I sent out RSVPs more than couple of times and folks were not responding in a proper manner I’d make things a little more straightforward.
Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
For the record, the only time i get adamant about RSVPs and become an RSVP nazi is when I plan a murder mystery dinner party. There are a couple of reasons: assigning of characters, prepping of food and clues, and also making sure the murderer arrives! (No one knows who the murderer is ahead of time - so making sure everyone arrives is key).
I once had someone cancel the night before the party and was having fits trying to figure out a way to cover his part. Now I’m careful to emphasize the commitment someone is making when they say yes.
And the problems and the complaints come from that “almost always.” Is this the party where no RSVP means you aren’t coming, or you forgot to respond, or your invitation didn’t make it to you, or that you’re going to show up at the last minute? If one person does this, it’s an irritation. If half the people I invite do this, I’ll stop inviting people and having parties because it will just be too big a pain in the ass to never reliably know who’s going to show up.
Great attitude towards someone who thinks enough of you to invite you to something. You’re making my policy of not socializing with people who don’t reliably RSVP look more sensible all the time.
Did you miss my post where I said this is exactly what I do? It doesn’t seem to matter.
That sounds better to me. Answering “maybe, can I tell you later” sounds like a more workable solution than responding no to invitations on the off-chance that something may or may not be happening on that date.
It’s unlikely in practice that I wouldn’t respond. If you’re someone I actually want to spend time with, I would. Of course, if you’re someone I actually want to spend time with, you’ll call, text, or contact me by one of the many online methods available if I do forget to reply.
But an unsolicited invite with RSVP on it puts no burden on me to respond. The burden comes from the friendship, not the RSVP.
Your policy will no doubt guarantee you friends that suit you. That’s meant sincerely, not snarkily, but I can’t think how to rewrite it so it doesn’t sound bad, sorry.
Not RSVPing to a kids’ party invitation, as in the OP, is pretty bloody awkward. For kids’ parties you usually have to specify how many people there will be, and the cost is not only different but can mean that you choose one party option over another. And who wants to risk their kid remembering the fifth birthday party that nobody came to? Those events are actually significant for little kids. For my mildly autistic daughter having these great parties helped her be accepted.
Her birthday’s at the start of the summer holidays, so lots of people can easily say no with a completely understandable reason, but they never did.
When she was about 7, I switched to day trips instead of parties, because it worked better for her birthdate.
Not responding but then turning up with your kid was lovely - more kids, good, more friends for her to have fun with - but also one year it meant, after three responses, I went to the seaside - and I mean swimming in the sea as part of the trip - on my own on two tubes and a train with eleven 9-year-olds all in party mood. If I’d known they were all coming, I’d have arranged for an extra adult.
I don’t say “maybe ,can I tell you later”. If it’s a close friend or relative, at some point before the day responses are due I will say “I wish I could make it, but I’m not sure which day my daughter is graduating” Host or hostess is then free to say " Let me know after you find out the date". He or she is also free to say “We’ll miss you” . There’s a subtle , but important difference there. If I say “maybe, can I tell you later”, I am asking for something, and possibly putting the host or hostess in the difficult position of saying " No, I really need to know by the response date." If I decline with an explanation, there is no request to deny.
If the invitation came from some guy in my husband’s bowling league , I just decline before the responses are due.
We now interrupt this thread…
From Laverne & Shirley
…And now back to your regularly scheduled thread
I just love it when people dismiss common courtesy as “old-fashioned” or “antiquated.” Ignoring an invitation of hospitality is just plain rude. It says [generic] you don’t give a shit about the inviter. So does waiting to see if something better comes along. If you can’t or don’t want to attend, just put on your grown-up undies and say, “Sorry, but I won’t be able to come.” It can be done politely, with no skin off anybody’s nose. We have 47 different ways to communicate in 2011. It takes 60 seconds to dash off an e-mail. If you have time to play WoW, you have time to RSVP. Jesus.
To those who think not RSVPing is not rude: Besides the above, what about people who don’t respond and then show up anyway? It does happen. Just because YOU think that’s how “everyone does it” does not make it so.
If a person invited you to something in person, would you just stare into space and say nothing?
Good Lord, people who don’t RSVP really chap my ass. I throw an annual Christmas party, and yes, this year I have had it. The guest list is getting pruned.
add me to the list that only responds if I’m coming.
RSVP is pretty rare these days. I’ve only gotten maybe a dozen in my life.
Most invitations are come if you want.
It’s odd that I expected more from the people on the dope than your average Tom, Dick and Harry.
Maybe some lurkers <waves> will at least RSVP (either way) from now on. (Don’t forget to teach your kids!)
And those types of invitations are not asking you to RSVP. It’s the ones that say “Please RSVP” or the equivalent that people ignore that is the problem.
I just threw my daughter’s bat mitzvah with over 100 invitations. Each came with a stamped and addressed envelope with a card that said “accepts” and “regrets” with a little line to indicate how many would be coming (as many of the invitations were for whole families). I still had a fair amount of folks who never replied that I had to track down so I could submit my final head count. Talk about awkward- all they had to do if they didn’t want to come was check “regrets”. Instead I had to send emails and make phone calls and it was time consuming for me and a little embarrassing for both parties. But since I was paying per head, buying party favors for the kids and needed to arrange tables, I needed to know.
Except when it doesn’t; e.g. in Dr. Drake’s example of an email sent to 35,000 people where it really means “spaces are limited” or something like that.
P.S. I just realised that AuntiePam said everything I wanted to say, but better.
P.P.S. I like the question marks!
Well, in those cases, they shouldn’t use RSVP - the emails I get usually say something like “reply to XXX to reserve a place”. But they really aren’t invitations either , and it shouldn’t be that difficult to differentiate between an announcement of an event which requires a reservation and a wedding, bar mitzvah or barbeque being hosted by or held for someone you actually know.
If it’s an invitation for someone I actually know, why aren’t they calling me up directly in the first place (if there’s a small number of invitees) or including a response card (if there’s a large number of invitees for something like a wedding)?
I agree that mass emails shouldn’t use the term “RSVP”, of course.
It’s especially amusing since BigT’s always lecturing people about the “correct way to behave socially”.
Well, I think I don’t think it’s an option to NOT hit the brakes if someone steps out in front of you, at least not if you want to go to jail for manslaughter. 
Depends on the invitation - I might call you today to invite you to a barbeque tomorrow night, or maybe even one next week. You can probably tell me on the phone if you can make it, and you probably know my address. And if I’m having invitations printed, I’ll certainly have response cards printed and send them with a stamped , addressed envelope. There are any number of invitations in between- for example, my uncle’s retirement party. About 75 people were invited, it wasn’t formal enough to use printed invitations with response cards and it was held at a restaurant. Anyone attending would need to know not only the date and time but the place and since the invitations were sent about a month in advance, a fair amount of people would have to check with an SO before replying. My cousins could have made all those phone calls, and all the people who received the calls could have written down the details and then called when they knew if they could attend. I don’t think that’s easier on the invitee than getting a written invitation and responding by phone or mail.
While I don’t send out invitations, I started to change my email offers, and noticed others doing likewise:
Do you want this book/item, please respond till date (in two weeks), if I don’t hear from you till then, I will offer it to someone else/ throw it away/…
In other words, people have to actively confirm, if they don’t answer until deadline, it’s counted as “no”. As long as you explain this in the invite, I think this gets around the problem of people not wanting to say “no” because of social conventions.
The other issue is planning ahead - I’m sometimes a bit astonished that some people plan 6 months ahead.
Businesses here have started with a small fee, too, when doing an event, because of the problem of 100 people saying “yes”, but only 20 showing up, and vice versa. So now IKEA or basic, when doing a special evening, charge a fee of 5 or 10 Euros (often repaid with coupons when you show up) to make people dedicated to their reservation. Yes, that would be difficult to do in private events, but it shows that generally habits have changed, people react much more spontaneously.
Um…yeah…that might actually be you.