[QUOTE=Hello Again]
However, yes, I do think there is a qualitative difference between being emotionally harmed and beaten to death. And being beaten to death is worse.
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I’m going to disagree with you on this. You see, I was emotionally abused throughout my childhood and there were times I found myself wishing I had been beaten simply because, if there were some kind of physical evidence, some kind of bruise or scar, there’d be proof that something was wrong. Instead, I kept thinking it was all in my head and I was just a silly, stupid thing for thinking something was wrong. If you’re beaten to death, at least the pain stops and you don’t have to walk around knowing you’re a useless, worthless creature who doesn’t deserve to live.
I would think for a man in an abusive relationship, it would be even worse. As things are now, society is more likely to believe that a woman is abused by a man, rather than vice versa. A man who has legitimate complaints is, I think, more likely to have them dismissed. There are women out there who are nasty, manipulative, and just plain cruel. I can easily see such a woman saying, “One word of this, and I’ll claim you abused me and you’ll never see you’re kids again!” There’s also an expectation, at least in some circles, that a good man is one who stands by his wife and kids and doesn’t desert them. The men I know try to live up to that model and, if in an abusive relationship (none of them are, as far as I know) would hesitate to end it because that’s not what a man is supposed to do. An old friend of mine still has the odd fit of guilt for divorcing his “poor, crippled wife” (she’d had a stroke) even though she was the one who initiated the divorce and pushed it through.
We as a society and as the friends and parents can’t remain silent on this. We have to make it clear that it’s as unacceptable for a woman to abuse a man as it is for a man to abuse a woman or any combination thereof, throwing in children, dogs, cats, etc. We have to make it clear that this behaviour is not acceptable in a civilized society, and women are as capable of initiating violence and abuse as men are. We also need to change the perception that women are automatically the best parent, but that’s a subject for another thread, perhaps.
The other night, I watched Adam’s Rib, and old Tracy/Hepburn comedy. There were a couple of scenes in it which bothered me. In the movie, a woman is being tried for shooting at her husband and his mistress. First they have the wife on the scene being asked about her marriage. The defence attorney (Hepburn) asks if her husband beat her, scolded her, and stayed out all night. In the next scene the husband is on the stand being asked the same questions by the Assistant District Attorney (Tracy). He’s asked if she beat him, scolded him, and stayed out all night. He, in turn, answers “Yes” to the first two and “I wished she would” to the last one. This doesn’t seem to be anything radical or shocking, just the facts of an unpleasant marriage. We’ve got society to accept that a man beating his wife is unacceptable. Now we need to work on the second half of the equation.