I already wrote the story about the rebels breaking in and stealing the death star plans years and years ago. Unfortunately they never told MY story. I was digging through some old documents of mine and found it. But it’s in a format which I can’t fully recover. A lot of bits are missing and the document is just bits of what seems like random characters. So here’s what I have recovered. I’ll post the first entry, and if anyone likes it I can post the rest bit by bit. It’s called “Diary of a Mad Stormtrooper”, and (duh) is in the form of a diary written by the Evil Empire <tm> officer who was on guard duty when the rebels broke in and stole the Death Star <tm> plans…
[QUOTE=Diary of a Mad Stormtrooper, part 1]
You know, my aunt told me that a career with the Evil Empire( would be good. She would go on and on about how most of the Galaxy had been subverted already, how there was very little chance I would actually see battle and all that. And the shouting. I’d really like the shouting bit. Not the getting shouted at, but getting to shout at others.
“Travel the Galaxy, Jimmy!” she would say. “You’re never going to get anywhere on this little backwoods planet!”
Stupid shriveled old bitch. I hope her bursitis is getting worse. I hope her husband dies from her horrible cooking. It always gave me gas. I swear she is trying to kill him with that pathetic excuse she calls “food”.
So, Anyway I joined up, and things were going really well, I was working my way up through the ranks. You know, the Evil Empire( is made up of regular people just like any other large corporation. I mean, they do some things I disagree with, but that’s life, right? Well, things WERE going smoothly. There was some kind of accident involving the rebel scum, and a lot of opportunities for a hungry young officer came up.
It wasn’t MY fault the rebels stole the Death Star plans. I asked for someone to relieve me while I went to the bathroom. This damn Empire food gives me the runs. It’s prefabricated on some planet I’ve never even heard of before. Kind of reminds you of what real food is supposed to look like. Vaguely. So I just happened to be in the restroom at the exact moment the rebels chose to break in? But I can be very eloquent when I want to be, and I almost talked my way out of punishment. Then the commanding officer looked down and saw a little piece of toilet paper stuck to the bottom of my boot…
Here is part 2. BTW These are supposed to be random entries to his diary. I was going to put a “stardate” on each one but never got around to it…
[QUOTE=Diary of a Mad Stormtrooper, part 2]
To make a long story short, I have been demoted to Storm Trooper. I am to report to the uniform department for Storm Trooper armor, and I ship out at the end of the week. Oh well, how bad can it be?
This is terrible. My name has been erased from the computer system and replaced with a number. None of the creatures (I can’t bring myself to call them men) have actual names. Since the Storm Troopers are (almost) all clones, their costumes are all the same size. It chafes in places and is too big in others. I complained to my superior officer and he told me to fill out a form. I filled it out, but when the Inter Death Star Message Delivery System( courier showed up, he told me I had to use the Inter Death Star Forms Return Delivery System( instead. He refused to give me the number too, the little bastard, so I got another form to report him. After all, there is a poster right near my sleeping quarters that reads “YOU can help keep the empire running efficiently!”, and the couriers attitude just does not fit into a smooth, efficient Evil Empire(
Well, we have arrived on the Death Star. Wow this place is huge. It’s practically as big as a planet. Just miles upon miles, endless corridors of black metal, black floors, black ceilings, black doors. Gee, I wonder what the emperors favorite color is? I have been assigned to a room with a clone. I can never remember his number so I call him Eddie. He seems nice enough, although he’s a bit dense. He was complaining about his costume too. It seems that the armorer made a mistake when measuring the Boba Fett (the one all the ST were cloned from), and none of their costumes fit correctly. Eddie showed me how to wrap some cloth around the parts where it chafes. I can’t find the bathrooms here. I asked Eddie, and he just stared at me. I think the translator must have mangled the words or something. But I found this little round container on the back of my costume. I guess that is what it’s used for.
Yep. I wrote this 20 years ago during my corporate days, and lost it for a long time. Found it going through some of my old computer backup discs. The corporation I worked at (A major Pittsburgh bank) had a really bad cafeteria, and you could make a lot of comparisons between them and the Evil Empire… Since there’s a ‘canon’ movie out now covering the same subject I thought I’d post mine here. If I had to re-write it today I think I’d do some bits a little differently.
This is the last bit I could read. The rest of the document is just random symbols, apparently the old documents don’t come out too well in modern systems…
I know there was more of it, I remember creating an entry where my character went through his laser gun training routine, and discovered that because of the ill-fitting stormtrooper uniform, none of the stormtroopers were able to aim correctly. So they all routinely failed the laser gun training, but no changes were able to be made due to paperwork. There was also a bit about how everyone on the Death Star had to take down any “father-son” stuff they posted because it made Vader very upset…
At one point the narrator starts telling his roommate his life story, a little bit every day over a few weeks. Then he discovers that “Eddie” was a different clone almost every single day because they got killed constantly. But they all looked and sounded exactly the same, so he didn’t notice.
There was also a bit about how he finally got his paperwork issue resolved, and was able to go to the death star movie theaters and other entertainment facilities. Only they were all the same, showed the same movies, music, etc., because they were all clones and had the exact same likes and dislikes…
If I remember right I was trying to think of a way to get my character out of the Death Star before it blew up, then he would be the one responsible for getting the new Death Star 2 blown up in return of the Jedi.
Geeze, dude! The part about “hating the movie” is just a framing story. Hollywood often does this when they have unfinished ideas that they want to use. The unfinished story doesn’t fit in, so some method is used to shoe horn the new material in.
I mean, would you read a thread that was “here’s my Star Wars fan fiction I wrote thirty years ago”? I wouldn’t. But I read this one (and so did you).
I like your story. Reads like something I might have written back in the day, so maybe that biases me a bit.
It’s a bit of the same attitude as Troops, the Cops-like mockumentary about a day in the life of a stormtrooper platoon. If you’ve never seen it, it puts an entirely different spin on the events of ANH.
Well, the difference is that I might be slightly interested in discussing why the new Star Wars movie wasn’t very good, but I am absolutely uninterested in reading someone’s incomplete 30 year old fan fiction. So how well disposed towards the OP and inclined towards gentle literary criticism do you think I’m going to be? Or am I just going to skim a paragraph, say to myself “This is truly awful”, and write something unkind?