When people meet me in real life they tend to assume that I’m stupid. I realize it is because of how I look. I’m black, fat and have no fashion sense whatsoever, so of course I’m not too swift. After the initial meeting this perception changes, however. In fact it goes in the complete opposite direction and the same people who thought I was stupid suddenly take it into their heads that I’m just sooooo smart. “Ask Biggirl,” they’ll say, “she’s knows everything.” Family members call me to ask the most arcane questions, friends IM me for advice on, well, anything (What the fuck do I know about the school districts in New Jersey? How the hell can I tell if the sore is infected if I can’t see it?) because they are under the mistaken impression that I know everything. Which leads those people-- those same people who ask me questions all the time-- to call me rude, a self-righteous know-it-all and a wannabe oreo.
Well, I’m not smarter than everyone I know, but there are a few things I do that my friends and family don’t that make it seem as if I am. So listen up friends and family-- you too can be rude, self-righteous know-it-alls.
[ol][li]Tell The Truth– If asked your opinion on something, give your honest opinion. That way, when your sister goes to school with two different colored sneakers and the other kids laugh, you can say “I told you you looked like you woke up colorblind.” and not "Well, I thought it was kinda cute, but I didn’t think you’d go outside like that. []Don’t Pretend to Know Things You Don’t.– Learn these words: “I don’t know.” Use them when applicable. Nothing makes you look stupider than spouting off on things you know nothing about. I use those words all the time and you think I’m a genius.[]Ask questions.–A corollary to the above. When the credit card company tells you you have to pay 100$ to close your account, ask why. No, don’t ask me why because I Don’t Know (see how easy that is?), ask the credit card company. []Admit When You are Wrong– It’s true that you, my family members, are part of the Arrogant Clan. This makes it hard to admit you were just plain wrong when you claimed that there were no women racing funny cars. But when a woman comes in second during the very race you are watching, it makes you look like a complete moron to claim you only meant formula one racing. []Look It Up– No, I don’t know what the capital of Utah is off the top of my head, but I can look in any Atlas and find out. So can you.[/ol][/li]There you have it folks. Everything you need to be a rude, self-righteous know-it-all. If you get really good at it, people will throw in the adjective “mean” too.
Jeez. If your friends and family equate being smart with being an ‘oreo’, then they have problems that your 5 simple rules aren’t going to solve. Nothing is as sad as embracing ignorance.
I know all the words to Hotel California and I know the difference between a call and a put (I work for an accounting firm). According to some, that makes me a wannabe.
Well according to me, thinking that makes them idiots. Perhaps they are envious of your intelligence. I mean, from reading your posts here it’s obvious that you are a smart and witty woman, a thing which today is becoming increasingly difficult to find. A lot of people I know find it very off-putting and are, dare I say downright threatened when someone who is far more intelligent comes along. It reminds me somewhat of a famous female singer (not sure who, possibly Mariah Carey) was asked to sing often at graduations and plays while in grade school. She was humble about her talent and didn’t want to seem like a show-off, so she often declined. Her peers would claim she was “too good to sing for them”. And when she would accept and go on stage to sing, the very same classmates accused her of being a show-off and tore her to shreds. Point blank: if you have a talent that threatens people, they will often react in stupid ways. Especially if they are idiots.
Big girl- you could be my twin as I am fat black with no fashion sense and get called a know it all oreo all the time. I think we should form a support group:D really though, when my family or friends would call me a know it all and a oreo, I just logged it up in the old noodle, then we they asked me something( Name the layers of atmosphere in reverse alphabetical order, or something just as crazy) I would tell them that they could not possibly want me to tell them as I was a know it all. cleared up most of the problem.
Well, that’s what comes from not keepin’ it real. The next time you are discussing acccounting arcana, you can end your sentence with, “. . . and that’s how variable costing and absorption costing differ. Word!”
“Embracing ignorance” – hoo boy, you just described my mother’s entire side of the family. They laugh at their own ignorance. Thank Og I haven’t been roped into playing Trivial Pursuit with them at holiday gatherings lately (because there haven’t been any) – I suddenly become a “big brain” because I make educated, sensible guesses or (egads!) foolishly admit that “I read it somewhere.” “Somewhere,” of course, being somewhere besides the National Enquirer or a Harlequin romance. :rolleyes:
Ummm, I’ve met you, and I didn’t think you look stupid . . . And if you had been an Oreo, believe me, I would have eaten you. Right there in front of everyone.
This oreo thing is a lot more complicated than it used to be. Sure we got the original chocolate cookie and creamy filling one. But now we got chocolate cookie with chocolate filling, chocolate cookie with some kinda coffee filling, and last, but not least, we now have vanilla cookie and chocolate filling. So, the big question is, what kinda oreo are you Biggirl?
Come to think of it, I’m white, fat and have no fashion sense. I’m also reasonably intelligent. Now I’m just all confused.
Anyway, Biggirl you are a very intelligent, insightful and knowledgeable poster on this here message board. Anybody who doesn’t think so can bite big ol’, whatever flavor they choose, oreo butt.
People rave about my intelligence because I sound smart, but once they hang around me for a substantial period of time, they learn the truth.
And you don’t have to be a traditional oreo. I’m one of those peanut-butter-creme-filled chocolate sandwich cookies. Black on the outside and nutty on the inside. And sexy.
Last week at work we had a conversation about how often I’m mistaken for a lesbian. Today I came to work with my Maxim magazine (I think it’s funny and much better reading than traditional women’s magazines-- Cosmo and Women’s World are for shit, if you ask me) and had a bunch of guys gathered around my desk, looking at the scantily clad women and telling me that I was wrong, I really am a lesbian.
And then I read a post from Eve about how she would have eaten my in front of everybody and I get all fuzzy and warm inside. That’s it. I’m a lesbian who likes penises that are still attached to men.
