Why I Was Late To Work Today: Your Real Excuses - Too Bizarre to Make Up

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
41

This very afternoon I was almost late to my next case because several bank robbers were on the loose and the police shut down the freeway.

Strangely, I was late to work a few years ago because a bank robber was killed in a shootout with a police officer not a block from my house and the police cordoned off the neighborhood.

And even before that, when I was a student living in Granada, Spain, my university was evacuated because a bank robber escaped police custody and hid out at the school.

:dubious: Maybe this belongs in the “weird coincidences” thread.

42

This happened to me ~3 times: I was late because my car was stolen or broken into and I had to go to the rental car company to get a car. Also, the time my '88 CRX was stolen was a day after my college club had dropped off a book drive donation at a shelter for abused women and the only proof I had was in a disposable camera that got stolen with the car. Also, when my CRX was broken into in '94, they took my pool cue that was sold to a drug dealer for $20. Oh, btw, my moped was stolen last December.

43

Another close encounter of the wildlife kind, from one of my crew last fall:

Dear missred,

Sonny Bubba was late today because he got sprayed by a skunk. I had to go to the store for more tomato juice for his bath.

Sonny Bubba’s wife

There was no problem believing him when he showed up; he still bore the aroma of his encounter with the black and white “kitty”.

44

Yes, yes they are. They’re persistent little critters, too. And they evolve far too easily.

I think that after 15 minutes or so, I’d have called a tow truck. If you can drive, you know that parking in front of a driveway and blocking it is Not Allowed, except in emergencies. And anyone who doesn’t know that has no business driving.

In retrospect, there are a couple of times when I should have just refused to go to work, like the times when the streets had over a foot of water in them. My jobs weren’t important enough to risk getting into an accident and possibly getting killed.

45

Could’ve been worse

46

Just from today:

Dear Boss:

I’m late signing on this morning because I was busy drafting the attached. Sorry about that.

Tumbleddown.

Attached: Dear Boss:

I quit.

Tumbleddown

47

First let me say I know the meeting was important.

So I had a flat tire.

Right, not exciting sorry. That wasn’t why I was late though. It’s July and 90 degrees, so I can just change it anyway.

Anyway, I had a flat tire. I took it off to change it and found out I had a flat spare. So i called AAA. That wasn’t why I was late though.

AAA showed up in fifteen minutes, inflated the spare, and then put it on the car. I got on the road plenty early.

So early, in fact, that as I was driving past the dealer I thought I’d stop by and get the tire fixed. They said they were not super busy, and were able to take me with no problems. They turned it around in fifteen minutes. It was getting a little close, but I was still going to be on time. Remember how they could not fix my AC? Well, this restored my faith in them.

So I pulled on to the highway with my windows down, tracking to be just on time. I settled behind a big truck and was immediately blinded by brake lights. I flipped on the radio and heard that a semi had flipped up ahead, and stopped traffic. So now you know why I am late. As for the other thing?

Did you know that pigs sweat? At least I think they do. They also poop. And smell like, well, pigs. The big truck in front of me was hauling swine. A giant aluminum box on a ninety degree day. And you know my AC is broken, so rolling up the windows was pretty much out of the question. I’m a big guy. I sweat. Like a pig. And smell is surprisingly sticky.

That was the longest hour of my life. I can still hear the squealing.

So the reason I smell like a stinky sweaty shitty pig is because I was trapped behind stinky sweaty shitty pigs. The reason I came in at all? So you could smell the pig shit. Because if I told you this over the phone the only thing you’d smell is bull shit. I’m going home now to take a shower.

48

About ten years ago now, my girlfriend (now my wife) discovered that she could milk her nipples. Obviously in her mind, it meant she was pregnant, which was so upsetting that she called in sick to work that day.

(No, she wasn’t pregnant.)

49

I was on a 500cc Norton, leaning into a turn, and hit a pile of shit; either from a St Bernard or some derelict. Never learned the species but it wasn’t cow or horse except in quantity. My front tire slid out from under me and I dumped it hard breaking the bike and several fingers. I never did convince the boss I wasn’t speeding or goofing around and he fired me the next week.

50
51

Monday, May 10, 2010

Ellen was late to work this morning because it was Beach Day at Littlest Cherry’s preschool, which had been forgotten, and she had to go home and locate a swim suit, sunglasses and beach towel for her darling to frolic around in for three hours.

Thank you for your patience in this matter.

52

I knew someone who gave “I shit my pants” as a fake reason for not showing up for work. He figured his boss would buy it, because no one would ever say anything that embarrassing if it weren’t true. Sure enough, it worked. :smack:

53

Dear Boss:

I’m sorry I was late today. As it turned out, some jackass with a truck and a trailer decided the best place to park in my apartment complex was not the big empty lines of spaces, but the immediately before the front row facing the apartments, parking in every single car in the row. Including mine.

I called the cops but they said to call the apartment owner since it’s private property.

I called the apartment manager and it took him like an hour of repeated calling to do anything. Finally, he sent out a repair guy for some reason.

The repair guy, unsurprisingly, couldn’t move the car, but after lengthy examination of the car noticed some really fishy things about the temporary vehicle registration on the car. The month had been changed with a pen. So, he called the cops.

The cop who showed up looked at the registration and ran some things. It turned out to be indeed falsified, but in addition, registered to a wanted criminal who was known to be in the area.

The cop called in a bunch more cops and a tow truck but wouldn’t let the tow truck move the car yet. One cop showed up with this bawling woman that, as it turned out, was the criminal’s mother. Another cop, who I actually know from when I worked at the police department, had arrived and started interrogating her, asking her questions like “Why did you lie to us?” and “We know he’s in the area, where is he?” She kept crying and crying.

Finally they got done interrogating her and I pulled the cop aside and asked if they could let the tow truck driver just move the truck forward a little so I could get out and get to work, even if they couldn’t tow it away right now. He said “For you, of course!”

After a few minutes, the truck was moved so I was able to leave the cadre of cops, the tow truck and driver, and the bawling mother behind forever and came in to work.

Sorry I’m late.

54

zomg, fluid druid. That’s crazy!!

55

Back in 2008, I was late to work due to traffic caused by John McCain’s Straight Talk Express being parked outside a downtown hotel, taking up TWO of the five lanes of traffic.

I kept saying “If I had been planning on voting for that asshole, I certainly wouldn’t be now.”

56

Not me, but someone at one of my jobs (actually happened, but not written down, of course). Obviously it was the kind of place that attracted this kind of employee.

Dear Ms. Normally-one-of-our-best-employees-at-this-low-level-job:
We understand how upsetting it is to you that Jerry Garcia just died. Please feel free take the rest of the day off so you can resume your duties when you have recovered.
– The management

57

Well, I’m self-employed, so a letter to my boss wasn’t necessary, but…

Dear Gary’s Customers:

Gary was late today because one of the cows got her head stuck in a metal gate trying to get into the pen where the bull is. Gary tried and tried to get her head out by grabbing her horns and twisting her head and pulling while she tap-danced on his feet with her pointy little hooves and howled, but he just couldn’t get her free. He ended up having to get a hacksaw and cut off one of the rails (the one under her chin) while she freaked out over the vibration (bone conduction amplifies hacksaw sounds). He finally got her loose and patched up the hole in the gate and came into work, and that’s why the store opened late.

58

That would be awesome. If they do continue to give me a hard time, I am going to go into total overkill mode; the Air Force could help with that! If it comes to it, I plan on essentially embarrassing the morons at the university by providing more evidence than could possibly be required. Though at this point, I think the letter from customer service will be acceptable.

I’m kind of hoping for them to give me a hard time, though!

59

It’s not so much a crazy excuse, so much as sheer, bare-faced cheek:

My former Manager: “Now I’ve moved house, my commute is only half an hour!”

A thirty minute commute is pretty damn good in London, so I might have been impressed. Were she not telling me this as she walked in the door exactly 30 minutes late for work.

She must have seen my face, because she proceded to clarify that the reason she was late was that her (adult) daughter was late getting ready for work and as they only had one set of keys they had to leave at the same time.

60

Yeah, I pinched myself a few times during that one. The oddest thing too is if you consider my location.

Imagine Des Moines for a second, okay? Then imagine a place that regards going to downtown Des Moines, or worse, the east side of Des Moines, as taking your life into your hands. A place so white-bread that it makes Des Moines appear to be a frightening ghetto in comparison. That’s where I live. I used to leave my laptop in open view on my passenger seat in this apartment complex, and sometimes even forgot to lock the door. That’s where Mr. Wanted decided to park his car.