So. Mother’s Day yesterday and all. I ask my mother what she wants early in the week… and all she wants is for me to attend church with her. Which is all she ever wants.
Granted, it’d be an easy way to get off the financial hook if I wanted to (except I did buy her a present, as well)…
But I just don’t get why my presence under duress on a pew at the local AME makes her so gosh darn happy! It’s not just a matter of spending time together; we see quite a bit of each other and yesterday she had so many churchly duties to attend to that I sat alone for the entire service!
Is she that worried about my soul? Does the fact that I do not attend church completely blind her to the fact that I try to be kind to people, don’t steal, adulterize, or covet my neighbor’s ass, am a happy, optimistic person, and pay my taxes? Or does she notice all of these things, but figure they don’t really count if I don’t enter The House of the Lord at least once a week? And again… if I’m NOT happily joining in the worship while I’m there, how does my mere presence do anything to save my ass?
FTR, I am not an athiest, and don’t have a thing against church per se; I say if it floats your boat, more power to you! I even like the singing, and find the whole ceremonial aspect of a church service rather lovely. I just don’t subscribe to all of the teachings/messages in The Bible (as interpreted in your average sermon), and resent the whole (ofttimes self-righteous) implication that I’m somehow Lost in the Woods of Doom and Iniquity JUST because I don’t attend church regularly (this comes from more folks than just my mama).
All I ask is that people Live and Let Live. You go to church. Cool with me. How come it’s not cool with you that I don’t?
So yesterday, the minister (who enjoys embarrassing people like me, who only come to church about twice a year–I once stopped by to drop something off for my mother, who was helping with a church dinner, and he loudly threatened to lock me in) asks for all of the “guests” to stand up, introduce themselves, and say a few words. He gets a few takers (the usual “We’re Ann and Richard from Tulsa… so glad to be here… praise The Lord” kinda stuff)… Then he amends the request to “People who don’t usually come but are here because they have a mother here.”
OK, this group includes me, but I figure these people know me (and they do), so I remain quietly in my seat. Finally, the Rev moves on with the service… But a few minutes later he pauses, looks over at my mother (who is behind the pulpit) and asks, “Did your daughter stand up when I asked…?”
“NO,” she replies, giving me a devilish little “A-HA! Gotcha!” grin (she LOVES it when Preacher Man calls me out)…
So The Rev then singles me out (although he calls me by the name of my sister, who used to attend this church until she moved to Michigan), and demands that I stand up.
So I do.
“First of all,” I say in my best public-speaking voice, “I am not Pamela. Second of all, I want you all to know that I am ONLY here because of emotional blackmail on my mother’s part, and third of all, I’m thinking that if I embarrass my mother to a great enough extent, she will stop asking me to do this…”
I look around and give the congregation my most winning smile.
“So later on,” I continue, flipping my hair, “I’m going to be singing in the nude.”
Shocked silence. Then laughter.
“Um… no…” the minister said, blinking, “You are certainly not Pamela…”
After the service, one man approached and offered me a choir robe, another said that he’d always been under the mistaken impression that I was SHY… and another woman told me that I need to be spanked!
That was the most fun I’ve had in church in awhile.
But NOW if I go back, they might be expecting a little T&A! :eek:
