Lately I’ve been wondering this, off at school I lost a few pounds(10-15), and I didn’t really mean to, but no one seems to hesitate to let me know I look skinny. I mean, it would be fine, but it’s not a compliment, more of a criticism.
On the other side of the coin, it’s not all right to inform someone that they’re packing on the pounds, at least AFAIK. I’ve noticed a few friends are starting to gain some major weight (they’re always eating) and I’d really like to let them know, without hurting their feelings. I’m just a little concerned about them and their health.
Anyway, can anyone think of a reason for the dichotomy?
I think it’s just the cultural standard in the Western world that “thin is in” while “fat is not where it’s at”. And because fat is perceived as a condition with little, if any, positive aspects to it, it’s almost a shame to have the extra pounds, whereas thin is a goal to be obtained, in a lot of cases.
The social embarrassment of extra pounds translates to fat being right up there with BO as something difficult to tell your best friend they have in abundance.
I’ve been told about it when I put on some weight, but then…I weighed 86 lbs and bulked up to 110. I’m working hard at finding a happy medium here…and no one has told me I’ve lost anything yet, either…
Yeah, I was going to say, if you’re skinny as a rail it’s a good thing to be encouraged to gain weight. When I’ve visited a few of our church shut-ins with one of our elderly deacons, we have a few cancer survivors who my partner always notices when they’ve gained weight,a nd encouraged it.
Besides the stigma of being fat, I think another reason people are reluctant to make remarks when others gain weight is because the solution to skinniness seems simple–eat more!–but the remedy for fatness is, for many people, unclear. When diets fail, then what?
I was obese for a decade and remember feeling at the time like there was nothing I could do about it. I lost all that weight years ago but clearly remember how helpless I felt during my “fat era.” If someone had pointed out how much weight I was gaining it would have been hurtful–I was painfully aware of it.
Sometimes people tell me I look like I’ve lost weight. It bugs me. I don’t diet, I don’t even own a scale, and I like to think the weight I’m usually at is just right for my height and build.
So when they say it, it makes me wonder if they thought I looked fat before. Because I certainly didn’t!
People make compliments when they think you have changed towards the “ideal”, whatever that may be.
So someone really skinny that gains weight will get compliments until they pass that ideal weight.
Likewise, someone overweight will get compliments as they lose weight until they are less than the ideal. Then people will express concern that they are losing too much weight.
When people lose weight, I like to compliment them on it because I know how hard it can be. I want to give them support so that they keep it up and maintain a healthy weight.
However, if someone gains weight, I don’t point that out to them. They probably know the health risks and I don’t want to make them feel bad which might lead to gaining more weight. I don’t think that pointing out that someone is fat will be the motivation they need to lose the weight. I’m not sure what to do so I don’t say anything about it. There have been many threads about being overweight and I don’t recall a post from an overweight person saying that someone telling them they were overweight was the right thing to do.
I don’t compliment on weight loss (or weight at all) unless someone seems to be fishing for it or I know for sure they’ve lost weight and they view it as a positive thing. You never know why a person lost weight, could be that they’re sick or have an eating disorder.
I do also agree that it kinda sucks when someone compliments for your weight-loss, because it does imply that there was something wrong with you before. It’s real easy for me to feel snarky about that: Person you hardly know: “Man, you’ve lost weight. You look great!”. You: “Yeah, chemo kind of makes you lose your appetite. But I look good!”
OTOH, because it’s normally accepted to compliment people when they’ve lost weight, although I don’t do it unless it’s fairly obvious it’s a good thing, I try not to get on my soapbox about it.
And I really don’t need anyone telling me I’m overweight. Most of us who are are pretty painfully aware of that.
When I was losing weight, a lot of people wouldn’t approach me directly to ask about it. Some people did ask my friends - they didn’t want to ask and find out that I was sick! When they were assured I was losing weight through healthy means, then the compliments came.
Now that it’s been a couple years since I lost the weight, the comments are less and less. In the new year, I start at a company where only one person ( a good friend) knew me when I was at my heaviest. It may be a different experience.
My great-aunt came down with cancer. She had an unhappy year and a half before she died. The only bright silver lining, to her, was that she got to transfer from her T.O.P.S. group (Take Off Pounds Sensibly, an early rival to Weight Watchers) to their K.O.P.S. group (Keep). There’s a photo of her, obviously sick thin, all dressed up in clothes that hang off her, victoriously accepting her medal for reaching her goal weight.
My nana thought that was sick as hell, and I agreed.
It’s cultural. A friend of mine is Chinese-American and a complete health nut. She tells me that it’s a common greeting in Chinese culture to say approvingly, “You gained weight!” Since in her case it’s not true at all, she was quite annoyed that people who have lived in the US for many years haven’t yet figured out that this is not a complimentary statement in American culture.
Similarly, I have an aunt who tells me I look great and must have lost weight every time she sees me. In both situations, it’s an empty sentiment, meant for flattery.
Sultana, sorry to hear about your great-aunt. That is quite tragic.
It’s an important reminder that sometimes it might be very inappropriate to comment on someone being thin, just as much as it is inappropriate to comment on someone being fat.